The New England Classic
REPORT: Fun Roommate Not In Room
LOWER CAMPUS — Walsh Hall resident William Welch (MCAS ’21) fell victim to the old switcheroo on Wednesday when he entered his common room to find that his fun roommate was not in the room. “Oh man, I thought Adam would be in here,” Welch said. “I sorta wish... Read more
OP-ED: Whoever Read My OIP Application, I Hope You Study Abroad In Hell

“I wish you the best of luck, as you painstakingly request a copy of your transcript and forward it to Midas, the foul judiciary of Pluto’s wicked court.”

Read more
Newton Plague Survivors Debate Whether It’s Safe To Leave Their Bunker
NEWTON CAMPUS — In the basement of Keyes South, seven plague survivors have barricaded themselves in the basement study lounge for the past nine days. In an interview conducted via hushed FaceTime call, one of the students, Sophie Kelly (CSOM ’22), admitted that she and her companion are getting... Read more
Priest Confused As To Why Students Are Giving Out Weird Gloves Outside Of Mac
MCELROY HALL — This past Friday, as he was strolling down Commonwealth Avenue, Fr. Rob Trogen, S.J. reportedly encountered two students giving out “weird gloves” outside of the McElroy Dining Hall. According to onlookers, Fr. Trogen appeared confused by the students’ helpful-yet-mischievous demeanor. “Why don’t these gloves have any... Read more
Student Body To Decide Who Gets To Add ‘UGBC President’ To Their Resume
CHESTNUT HILL — Tension on campus has been palpable this week as the student body prepares for yet another heated UGBC election. After an intense series of debates, knocking on doors, and making Facebook profile picture frames, Thursday’s election will determine just which candidate will have the distinct honor... Read more
Campus Racists Attend “Acquitted Eagles Day”

Historically, Boston College has refrained from using “weighted” words such as “racist,” “hate-crime,” and “responsible,” but Sunday’s summit faced that language head-on, aiming to exonerate its attendees of any reason to associate the phrases with themselves.

Read more
Desperate Sophomore Places Work Order For GPA
O’NEILL 5 — On Sunday evening, sophomore Quinn Lucas was found convulsing in the fetal position on the fourth floor of O’Neill Library. Next to him were two accounting textbooks, a stack of diagrams on the earth’s layers, and the work-order interface open on his laptop. “The maintenance crew... Read more
MA’s To Re-open For Three Weeks, No Funding For Bathroom Wall
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — A deal struck among the owners of Boston College’s favorite dive bar will allow Mary Ann’s to reopen its doors, but only for three weeks. Mary Ann’s, also known as MA’s (also ALSO known as Mary Ann’s Family Style Italian Restaurant), shuttered its doors last month... Read more
English Major Demoted To English Captain
STOKES SOUTH — This past Friday, the Boston College Academic Review Board found Brigham O’Brennan (MCAS ‘21) guilty of gross academic misconduct after a week-long investigation. Rather than place him on academic probation, the Board demoted the sophomore from English major to English captain. As an English captain, O’Brennan’s... Read more
Our Takeaways From The State Of The Union Address

The State of the Union is a very formal occasion, and its guests must dress as such. Per a policy originating in the 1920 Treaty of Versailles, sweatpants are not, under any circumstances, permissible, and only certain types of jeans are allowed (depending on how well they are accessorized/bedazzled).

Read more