The New England Classic
Sadistic Fuck Working Out Without Headphones
WILLIAM J. FLYNN RECREATION COMPLEX — On Wednesday, Warren Fuggit (CSOM ‘20) was seen working out without wearing headphones, much to the horror of the entire student body. His roommates were reportedly “appalled” after witnessing Fuggit leave their 8-man without wearing any form of portable electroacoustic transducer. “I can’t... Read more
Embarrassed Psych Major Didn’t Do Palm Reading For Today

“Franklin declined to give The Classic any comment. Efforts to reach out to her third eye were unsuccessful as well.”

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How To Tell Your Ninth Friend, “It’s Not You, It’s All Eight Of Us”
It’s that time of year again: housing season! The time of year when the “Hardey Honeys” group chat turns into “Walsh Ladies.” Every spring, the housing gods of Boston College require that you take your friends and arrange them into perfectly packaged eight-person groups. This can mean difficult discussions... Read more
Best Birthday Present Ever? Agora Is Making You Change Your Password!
Holy shit, it’s your birthday! You’re another year older, and BC knows the most thrilling way for you to celebrate. A nice dinner with your friends and family? Humbug! A card from grandma? Phooey! These gifts are nothing compared to the gift Agora is giving you this year –... Read more
8-Man Expecting Way Too Much From Single String of Lights

“It was, like, so dark in there. I accidentally mixed my vodka with milk.”

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Well-Intentioned Douchebag Kinda Wishes He Went On Appa Instead Of Drinking For 7 Days
RUBENSTEIN HALL — Returning to campus Sunday afternoon, senior Joe McCaffery reflected on his week-long spring break vacation to Punta Cana. His vacation included drinking by the pool, lounging on the beach while drinking, and staring into his drink after losing money at the casino. Though he “straight up... Read more
Students Gear Up To Do Exact Same Thing With Exact Same People In Different Country
NOT BOSTON COLLEGE — While hustling and bustling around campus and cramming in last-minute studying for midterms, hundreds of Boston College students collectively expressed their excitement to spend their impending spring break doing the exact same things with the exact same people, but in a different country. Students have... Read more
Pigs Running Loose In Walsh After Student Sets Pigs Loose In Walsh
WALSH HALL — It was reported around 9:45 PM on Tuesday that at least three pigs were running through the halls of the fifth floor of Walsh Hall. It was unclear where the pigs had come from or why they were there. The Boston College Police Department (BCPD) was... Read more
REPORT: Thomas More Apartments Is Called That Because It Has More Thomases Than Any Other Building On Campus

“It was never our intention to invoke a sense of Catholicism in any way, shape, or form,” one administrator admitted in a later memo.

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OL Found Frozen After Six Months Without Icebreaker
CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College Police Department officers were called to Rubenstein D44 Saturday after receiving reports that resident Cliff Calley (MCAS ‘19) was found frozen solid. According to the BCPD report, Calley’s roommates were about halfway through Big Booty Mix Volume 11, when they noticed he had disappeared.... Read more