Slimers Stuns at Green Careers Night

GASSON 100 — As the school year comes to an end, tensions are high amongst the juniors who still haven’t landed an internship, and even worse, the seniors who have yet to figure out their post-grad plans. In these trying times, it may seem like there is no one around to save these helpless students from the dreadful feeling of being washed-up BC alumni in a mere two months.

Enter the Boston College Career Center, the university’s premiere establishment for, well, not much. In an attempt to give students interested in “nonprofit work” a little hope to hold onto, this past Wednesday the Career Center hosted “Green Careers Night” for all BC undergraduates.

Green Careers Night allowed students to connect with employers working in a range of “Green” careers: sustainability, the environment, vegan cooking, renewable energy, plant propagation, Depop entrepreneurship, and Goodwill Bin Hunting, retweeting Greta Thunberg, and consulting–perhaps the fakest one of them all. Equipped with resumes, chat-GPTed cover letters, suits, and even fresh haircuts for some, upperclassmen flooded the floors of Gasson 100 ready to end up on top in the bloodbath that was Green Careers Night. 

Networking is difficult. For students desperately vying for jobs so they can avoid moving back to their childhood bedrooms, networking can be barbaric. At Wednesday’s Green Careers Night, all was fair in love and war until one eager for employment Eagle showed up to the event to put the entire environmental studies program to shame.

In a shock to all, Slimer, the Mean Green Ghost from Ghostbusters, slithered into Gasson 100 to stun the Green employers and alumni. Lacking professionality or credentials to prove that he was a college student, Slimer still managed to woo employers with his thick, slippery green skin.

Upon his arrival, students instantly scrambled in fear of the ultimate Green worker. “I was so intimidated,” claimed one hopeful, Klaus Trader (CSOM ‘24). “I need a job really bad, so I ran back to my dorm to cover myself in Nickelodeon slime. I was so close to landing that interview with Exxon.” Other students were seen lying to employers about being descendants of the Grinch and their advocacy work in trying to bring back the Jungle Green Crayola Crayon. One student, Stow Ner (MCAS ‘24), even began bragging about how he “greens out with the boys” every night.

At press time, the Classic saw Slimer walking hand and hand with a Raytheon representative, ultimately proving himself to have landed on top of all those interested in Green careers. “Better luck next year, EcoPledge!” shouted Slimer as he slinked away into the night.

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