The New England Classic


SchoolWTF April 17, 2019

FULTON HALL — A report been done has say that CSOM bad. This report done by CSOM (bad) and confirmding this is the school’s spokesguy who speaks at school and says, “CSOM bad.” Students in and teachers at Boston’s College are agree with CSOM bad. MCAS guy Steven Stevens,... Read more
Student Causes Concern After Putting Well-being Before Academics
STAYER HALL — Junior Joanna Yost returned to Boston College last Sunday after a relaxing weekend at home, and found herself in the middle of judgmental and passive-aggressive comments from her peers. They were reportedly “dumbfounded” when she revealed that she had spent her time home unwinding and decompressing... Read more
Embarrassed Psych Major Didn’t Do Palm Reading For Today

“Franklin declined to give The Classic any comment. Efforts to reach out to her third eye were unsuccessful as well.”

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Pre-Med Student Password Protects Her Quizlets
O’NEILL LIBRARY — This past Friday, freshman pre-med student Jessica Connors announced her recent decision to put passwords on her quizlets. Connors was most recently seen taking up an entire table with her books and her molecular modeling kit in preparation for her upcoming chemistry exam. Connors, who reportedly... Read more
Campus Racists Attend “Acquitted Eagles Day”

Historically, Boston College has refrained from using “weighted” words such as “racist,” “hate-crime,” and “responsible,” but Sunday’s summit faced that language head-on, aiming to exonerate its attendees of any reason to associate the phrases with themselves.

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Desperate Sophomore Places Work Order For GPA
O’NEILL 5 — On Sunday evening, sophomore Quinn Lucas was found convulsing in the fetal position on the fourth floor of O’Neill Library. Next to him were two accounting textbooks, a stack of diagrams on the earth’s layers, and the work-order interface open on his laptop. “The maintenance crew... Read more
English Major Demoted To English Captain
STOKES SOUTH — This past Friday, the Boston College Academic Review Board found Brigham O’Brennan (MCAS ‘21) guilty of gross academic misconduct after a week-long investigation. Rather than place him on academic probation, the Board demoted the sophomore from English major to English captain. As an English captain, O’Brennan’s... Read more
How to Break Up With Your Significant Other Before Add/Drop Ends

Whether you’re a freshman looking to secure the perfect professors for your first major classes, a senior looking for an “easy-A” elective, or Katie finally deciding to dump that douchebag Garrett, add/drop is crucial to making the rest of the semester go smoothly.

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Study Shows Gasson 2 To 3 Inches Shorter In Colder Months
HIGGINS HALL — According to the results of a new study released by the Biology department late last week, Gasson Hall is two to three inches shorter during colder months. “After analyzing years of data collected by a dedicated team of research scientists, our hard work has finally paid... Read more
Student Has Sinking Suspicion No One Really Cares How Her Summer Was
LOWER LIVE — Munching on a full plate of questionable eggs and home fries, junior Samantha O’Gallison reportedly began to wonder whether or not all of her classmates actually cared how her summer was. Sources close to O’Gallison believe she fears the vast majority of people who have asked... Read more