The New England Classic
CSOM Announces New “Pay-For-Grade” Initiative
THE BEAN COUNTER — Small men in suits with shoulders that extend just a little too far for the men to fill out mill about, lounging. Another sect of students is adorned in Vineyard Vines, docksiders, and an array of business casual shorts in all manner of pastels. They... Read more
Computer Science Department Hires Actual Python To Teach Classes
Amid a chronic shortage of professors in the computer science department at BC, CS majors finally have a reason to rejoice: the department now has an actual living python as a faculty member to teach introductory classes on Python! No one is quite sure about where the python came... Read more
Developing: UIS Set to Dictate Whether Students Go to Heaven or Hell

Next semester, students will have the opportunity to register for a class that will determine whether they will live forever in blessed communion with The Lord or find themselves chained to the infernal river in the dominion of Satan.

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Five Things To Talk About Now That The Election Is Over, And They’re All The Rat Line
1) The Rat Line I mean, Jesus Christ. The Rat used to MEAN SOMETHING, for pete’s sake. Remind your friends and loved ones how miserable a metaphor the Rat has become for our whole new way of life. The Rat is, as it has always been, the center of... Read more
Op-Ed: A Perfectly Normal Day
Happy Thursday, October 15, Boston College! Boy, isn’t today normal? The first thing I did after getting out of bed was brush my teeth with a little Colgate®️ Optic White toothpaste. Then, I took my morning shower and changed into a casual outfit. To finish off my morning routine,... Read more
New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️
STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more
Records Reveal Boston College Has Paid $0 In Income Tax For 150 Years
LINDEN LANE — Owing to an anonymous source, The Classic has obtained Boston College’s tax records dating back to the early 1870s, giving the clearest picture of the University’s finances to date and revealing centuries of chronic tax evasion and seemingly complete impunity from the United States’ tax code.... Read more
Top Ten Campus Spots To Cover Your Little Head And Submit To The Infinite Sadness
Wondering where you can just let the waterworks flow at Boston College? Are you a first-year student who has yet to burst into tears in public? Are you a returning Eagle in need of a new sob spot? Does the crushing weight of your inherited, generational misery weigh upon... Read more
LTE: I Am The Tiny Door Into Eagles, And There Is No Escape
I should have been an emergency fire exit in Higgins, or a reflection room door on Newton campus. A sane man would have put me anywhere else. Instead, I am the Super Tiny Door Into Eagles.  The tastiest licks in all of BC lie behind my hinges: soup with... Read more
O’Neill Answer Wall Diagnosed With Alzheimer’s
ST. ELIZABETH’S HOSPITAL — Following months of intensive consultations, representatives of the Thomas P. O’Neill estate announced on Monday that the famed O’Neill Library Answer Wall, which has been candidly answering anonymous questions since 2017, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. “We were deeply saddened when we received the... Read more