The New England Classic
Embarrassed Psych Major Didn’t Do Palm Reading For Today

“Franklin declined to give The Classic any comment. Efforts to reach out to her third eye were unsuccessful as well.”

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Pre-Med Student Password Protects Her Quizlets
O’NEILL LIBRARY — This past Friday, freshman pre-med student Jessica Connors announced her recent decision to put passwords on her quizlets. Connors was most recently seen taking up an entire table with her books and her molecular modeling kit in preparation for her upcoming chemistry exam. Connors, who reportedly... Read more
Campus Racists Attend “Acquitted Eagles Day”

Historically, Boston College has refrained from using “weighted” words such as “racist,” “hate-crime,” and “responsible,” but Sunday’s summit faced that language head-on, aiming to exonerate its attendees of any reason to associate the phrases with themselves.

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Desperate Sophomore Places Work Order For GPA
O’NEILL 5 — On Sunday evening, sophomore Quinn Lucas was found convulsing in the fetal position on the fourth floor of O’Neill Library. Next to him were two accounting textbooks, a stack of diagrams on the earth’s layers, and the work-order interface open on his laptop. “The maintenance crew... Read more
English Major Demoted To English Captain
STOKES SOUTH — This past Friday, the Boston College Academic Review Board found Brigham O’Brennan (MCAS ‘21) guilty of gross academic misconduct after a week-long investigation. Rather than place him on academic probation, the Board demoted the sophomore from English major to English captain. As an English captain, O’Brennan’s... Read more
How to Break Up With Your Significant Other Before Add/Drop Ends

Whether you’re a freshman looking to secure the perfect professors for your first major classes, a senior looking for an “easy-A” elective, or Katie finally deciding to dump that douchebag Garrett, add/drop is crucial to making the rest of the semester go smoothly.

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Study Shows Gasson 2 To 3 Inches Shorter In Colder Months
HIGGINS HALL — According to the results of a new study released by the Biology department late last week, Gasson Hall is two to three inches shorter during colder months. “After analyzing years of data collected by a dedicated team of research scientists, our hard work has finally paid... Read more
Student Has Sinking Suspicion No One Really Cares How Her Summer Was
LOWER LIVE — Munching on a full plate of questionable eggs and home fries, junior Samantha O’Gallison reportedly began to wonder whether or not all of her classmates actually cared how her summer was. Sources close to O’Gallison believe she fears the vast majority of people who have asked... Read more
Freshman Perspectives Class Rescued From Plato’s Cave
CHESTNUT HILL — Late Thursday evening, Boston College officials announced that members of Professor Stephen Brown’s Perspectives class were finally rescued from Plato’s Cave, where they had been trapped since the middle of fall semester. The then-freshmen became stuck in the cave in early November 2017, when the class began... Read more
Sophomore Wonders: ‘How Loud Do I Need To Sigh In O’Neill For People To Know I’m Pre-Med?’
O’NEILL LIBRARY — After a particularly exhausting day of classes and labs (which are like classes but longer and even more difficult), pre-med student Charlotte Richards (MCAS ’20) retired to the fourth floor of O’Neill hoping for nothing but a little sympathy. Though everyone in her vicinity seemed to be... Read more