The New England Classic
SPOOKY: Turtleneck Hides Vampire Bite

The outbreak began a few weeks ago with the beginning of the new lunar cycle, according to supernatural scholars. “We are very concerned by these latest developments,” said Fr. Donald Callahan. “While the number of infected students is still relatively low, that is more of a sign of the lack of virgins on campus, which is equally troubling.”

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Run! Philosophy Student Wants To Tell You What He’s Learned
STOKES NORTH — Freshman Franny Bacon (MCAS ’25) was found virtuously engaging in Socratic discourse with literally anyone who passed him yesterday afternoon. After a few weeks in Perspectives I, Bacon reports feeling “enlightened” and possessing a newfound sense of “metaphysical contemplation.” “It’s hard to believe that I’ve never... Read more
Class of 1952 Retakes Superfan Photo, Guy Had His Eyes Closed
ALUMNI STADIUM — Old timers gathered and reminisced Sunday when the Boston College Class of 1952 assembled to retake their Superfan photo after realizing that Jerry “Skippy-Do” McGinty had his eyes closed in the first one. When the do-over was snapped, Ol’ Skippy-Do himself was front and center, eyes... Read more
Freshman Unknowingly Brings Mom to “Freud 101”

“I obviously don’t have the hots for my mom. That would be so gross. I mean, she’s a beautiful lady. I’m not gonna deny it. And she does look really nice in those Banana Republic slacks she wore today, but that’s just me being observational.”

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Professor Asks “Just The Ugly Kids” To Mask Up In Class

Students expressed widespread indignation Monday when Prof. Patrick Lanzoni requested “just the ugly kids” in his Globalization I class wear masks. The announcement came after Lanzoni lamented seeing “atrocious acne” and “a severe lack of smokeshows” for 2 weeks.

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Lynch To Add ‘CoComelon’ Studies To List Of Majors
CAMPION HALL — Students in the Lynch School of Education were shocked to see a giant anthropomorphized watermelon blocking the entrance to Campion Hall as classes resumed this week.  With the fall semester now underway, the LSOE administration has announced the addition of “CoComelon Studies” to its list of... Read more
Class of 2019 To Receive Second Commencement

“I just feel like our time at BC came to an end so quickly, and there were so many more things I wanted to do my senior year,” said Josh Layden (MCAS ’19). “I mean, I was just so busy all year having a blast at Mod parties, going to MA’s, hanging out in sizable groups of nine or more, and enjoying all the perks that come with senior year. This second commencement is a great opportunity for all of us to get back on campus together, and make the most of the weekend.”

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Kid Uses Word “Naïveté” In Paper, Still Gets a B
CAMPION HALL — The normally mundane process of handing back graded papers in an upper-level philosophy class took a dramatic turn on Thursday when Alex Eacon (MCAS ’22) received his third consecutive B on a paper — in spite of the fact that he had incorporated the word “naïveté”... Read more
Dr. Douglas Comeau Can’t Get Enough Of My Sweet, Sweet Nostrils (I Got Called Twice This Week)
CONNELL RECREATION CENTER — Sunday at midnight. That glorious, soaking wet time when a large portion of Boston College students get their highly-anticipated weekly COVID test email. This week went by like any other: I logged onto Zoom for “class”, spread my usual pathogens, and spent at least an... Read more
Bookstore Sends Official Statement On 1919 Anglo-Irish War, Also A 25% Off Coupon On A Hat
BOSTON COLLEGE BOOKSTORE — This week, the Boston College Bookstore broke a longstanding precedent of apolitical neutrality when they released an official statement on the clash between Irish Republicans and the British Government, which ended nearly 100 years ago, in their routine email blast to the student body. The... Read more