The New England Classic
Leahy Announces Complete Deforestation Of Newton Woods To Prevent Lame Parties

Ax observed the tree’s inability to photosynthesize following second hand Mango Crave exposure, along with root rot from pure cringe. “You don’t need to be a scientist to know that hearing Doses and Mimosas every weekend isn’t good for ecological sustainability.”    

Read more
Uh Oh! Your Punta Hookup Just Asked You To Senior Prom At Newton North

Barrased continued, “I asked him where he was living, as one does when they meet a fellow Eagle, and when he said ‘I live in Newton,’ I just assumed he had the worst housing pick time known to man!”

Read more
Bert and Ernie Down the Hall Look Suspiciously Like Puppets

“Whenever I dap either of them up, they can never really get the hang of it. It’s like someone else is controlling their limbs.” Commented Oscar de Grouch (MCAS ’25) “Their hands are pretty small too, I thought it was just because they’re kinda short kings, but now I think otherwise.”

Read more
LTE: Roaring Twenties? I Started Smoking Cigarettes
What a life. We’re moving out of the pandemic, I’m a freshman in college, and it’s the 2020s. If the 1920s are any indication of how the next decade should go, we’re about to have the most insane ten years of our lives. But how will we know that... Read more
Newton Student Misses Carpool

“‘So sad. I simply could not imagine being dropped off for college by a yellow school bus. It’s just so embarrassing,’ said John Fitzgerald (CSON ‘24), who was later seen struggling to open the sliding door of his mom’s minivan.”

Read more