Leahy Announces Complete Deforestation Of Newton Woods To Prevent Lame Parties
LeahyNewton April 4, 2024 The New England Classic
BC LAW PARKING LOT–After a series of lit, crazy, movie parties in the Newton Woods, University President, William Leahy, has announced a forceful and unforgiving plan to shut down the gatherings.
In conjunction with the BC Facilities Management team, Leahy plans to deforest the entire woods within the week.
“It’s hard to communicate the breadth and urgency of this crisis,” said Leahy in a recent press conference. “These parties last 30 minutes, with a max of like 17 kids,” grimacing, he labeled the situation “sooo cringe and embarrassing.”
While the deforestation plan boasts strong public support, some critics have raised concerns about the inevitable negative environmental impact that would result. In a post to Fizz, an anonymous activist protested, “What about the squirrels and shit tho?”
However, in an unexpected move, several BC Environmental organizations have come to Leahy’s defense. Namely, Boston College’s very own Environmental Studies Department, Eco-Pledge, and Climate Action BC have given the deforestation plan a stamp of approval.
“There is a rarely addressed issue in this debate: what the trees actually want,” director of BC Environmental Studies, Notia Reál, explained to the Classic in an exclusive interview. “Second-hand embarrassment is a fate worse than deforestation.”
BC Faculty Researcher, Lore Ax, supported Reál’s stance, citing compounding evidence of ecological torture in the woods. Ax observed the tree’s inability to photosynthesize following second hand Mango Crave exposure, along with root rot from pure cringe. “You don’t need to be a scientist to know that hearing Doses and Mimosas every weekend isn’t good for ecological sustainability.”
Newton Students like Achul Kidd (CSOM ‘27), who (on record) compared the wooden gatherings to the 2012 film Project X, now denies attending the functions. “Yeah… those kids are just sooooo desperate” he continued, “who would even go to one of those.” Kidd promptly concluded the interview after being asked about his September posts to the BC 2027 SnapChat story chugging Natty Lights in the woods.
Other freshmen are more truthful about their disappointment. Aderp Boyh, who believed in the venue’s potential for finding himself “a Newton shawty.” Boyh shared with the Classic “yeah, the climate change and tree thing is bad but what about finding a girl to cherish and respect for the rest of my life?” Aderp Boyh asked for the Classic to include that he’s “6’2”; however, the Classic fact-checkers have determined he is, in fact, 5 ‘9.
The bulldozing will begin within the week, and Leahy hopes the newly available land can be utilized for more vague parking areas. “These new parking lots will be fit with zero signage” and will serve to continue “the longstanding BC tradition of parking and praying you don’t get a ticket.”
