The New England Classic
Jim Christian Relieved To Be Jim Atheist Again

Though many would have been distressed over the prospect of a job search during the pandemic, Atheist was grateful for the chance to return to his born surname.

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Spooky: BC Bookstore Sale Offering 20% Off Your Life Expectancy

I felt a phantasm of my mother’s being beckoning me, like a tether to this corporeal realm, and as she called me back from the darkness, she whispered, ‘Get your father and I “BC Mom and Dad” fleece jackets, sweetie.

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Student Overhears Father Leahy in Confession: “Fuck Them Kids”
ST. IGNATIUS — Reports surfaced that the walls in the confessionals are dangerously thin. Current student Jack Barrey (CSOM ’21) said he was waiting in line to confess his sins from two Marathon Mondays ago when he heard something unsettling coming from the confessional.  “I sat there in disbelief,... Read more
Campus Ministry Begins Individually Plastic-Wrapping Communion Wafers
McELROY COMMONS — The Office of Campus Ministry announced Tuesday morning that effective immediately all eucharistic wafers will be individually wrapped in saran wrap. The statement was communicated to the Boston College community in an email which also included the phrase “care for the whole person” 17 times. “Due... Read more
Fuck It: We Ranked All The Books Of The Bible That We Could Remember Offhand
JOHN Okay, we all know THIS is the best Bible. It has Jesus, Jesus’ little pals, and even two fish! We will award John $25 to Home Depot. DEUTERONOMY Uh-Oh! Dirty Bible! We remember this Bible because it is little more than a filthy carnival of the uncouth, and... Read more
BC Cancels Campus Subscription to WSJ, Replaces With W, S.J.
ST. MARY’S HALL — Boston College Libraries, under the direction of administrators, quietly cancelled campus subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal (WSJ) last week, replacing them with subscriptions to a new Jesuit periodical, W, S.J. The cancellation, which was announced via Post-it Note on the O’Neill Answer Wall on... Read more
Priest Confused As To Why Students Are Giving Out Weird Gloves Outside Of Mac
MCELROY HALL — This past Friday, as he was strolling down Commonwealth Avenue, Fr. Rob Trogen, S.J. reportedly encountered two students giving out “weird gloves” outside of the McElroy Dining Hall. According to onlookers, Fr. Trogen appeared confused by the students’ helpful-yet-mischievous demeanor. “Why don’t these gloves have any... Read more
Setting the World Aflame? This Abroad Student Just Set a Bar on Fire
PARMA, ITALY — A Boston College student studying abroad at the University of Parma is being held in police custody after setting an entire bar on fire. Police reports indicate that the student, Candace Whiteshire (CSOM ‘20), smoked an entire pack of cigarettes before accidentally dropping a still-burning dart... Read more
Trick Or Retreat! Kairos Group Goes To Salem To Burn Witches
SALEM, Mass. — The popular Kairos retreat wrapped up another successful spiritual expedition in Salem this past weekend. In addition to the standard prayer and reflection sessions, the participants of Kairos 179 reportedly furthered their understanding of God’s role in their lives by setting fire to at least seven,... Read more
Candidate For Sainthood? Student Asks “What Floor?” In Elevator
90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — Known for her involvement in community service clubs such as 4Boston and Pulse, sophomore Ashini Anand has established a charitable reputation around campus. This past Friday, she elevated her behavior to near-sainthood when she asked classmate Valentina D’Agostino (MCAS ‘21) “What floor?” upon... Read more