The New England Classic
Setting the World Aflame? This Abroad Student Just Set a Bar on Fire
PARMA, ITALY — A Boston College student studying abroad at the University of Parma is being held in police custody after setting an entire bar on fire. Police reports indicate that the student, Candace Whiteshire (CSOM ‘20), smoked an entire pack of cigarettes before accidentally dropping a still-burning dart... Read more
Trick Or Retreat! Kairos Group Goes To Salem To Burn Witches
SALEM, Mass. — The popular Kairos retreat wrapped up another successful spiritual expedition in Salem this past weekend. In addition to the standard prayer and reflection sessions, the participants of Kairos 179 reportedly furthered their understanding of God’s role in their lives by setting fire to at least seven,... Read more
Candidate For Sainthood? Student Asks “What Floor?” In Elevator
90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — Known for her involvement in community service clubs such as 4Boston and Pulse, sophomore Ashini Anand has established a charitable reputation around campus. This past Friday, she elevated her behavior to near-sainthood when she asked classmate Valentina D’Agostino (MCAS ‘21) “What floor?” upon... Read more
Vatican Reminds BC Dining That Snack Attack Was Original Holy Trinity
VATICAN CITY — In a nearly 200-page encyclical titled “Execarbilis,” Pope Francis on Friday called for Boston College to reinstate the Late Night dining policies it abandoned for the 2018-2019 academic year. “Just as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost form a Holy Trinity, so hallowed is the union... Read more
Catholic Church Relieved To Not Be Only Institution With History Of Male Sexual Misconduct
VATICAN CITY — In a surprise press conference last week, Pope Francis weighed in on the growing series of sexual assault and harassment scandals that have been breaking with alarming regularity for the past few months. Speaking from deep within the Apostolic Palace, the Pope commended the brave women... Read more
BREAKING: Beer, Wine Sales Expanded To St. Ignatius Sunday Mass
ST. IGNATIUS CHURCH — On Friday morning, the Parish of St. Ignatius of Loyola announced that it would begin expanding its communion offerings to all parish masses starting with the 10:00 AM service this Sunday, December 3. This decision appears to have been inspired by the recent actions of... Read more
Spooky! Student Refuses To Buy Into Jesuit Traditions, Has No Reflection
WILLIAMS HALL — Thursday morning, sophomore Eric Johnson made a shocking discovery after he walked into the bathroom of his College Road quad. “I was just going about my usual morning routine—smashing the snooze button on my alarm clock until my roommate throws a pillow at me, and then... Read more
Newly Ordained Fr. Kevin Spends All Of Mass Playing “Flappy Bird” On Phone
CONTE FORUM — During Boston College’s annual Mass of the Holy Spirit, newly ordained, and self-proclaimed “hip, young Jesuit” Fr. Kevin, S.J., spent the entirety of the service playing “Flappy Bird” on his iPhone 6. The traditional “opening ceremony” for the academic year dates back to the Middle Ages, when Jesuits commemorated the... Read more
“God Best Experienced In This Hot Tub,” Reports Vacationing Jesuit
TURKS AND CAICOS ISLANDS — After ordering several fruity drinks and stripping down from his robes, Fr. Tommy O’Harrison, SJ, who treated himself to a vacation over Boston College’s spring break, reportedly came to the divine realization on Sunday afternoon that God was best experienced in the exact jacuzzi at The Palms... Read more
“Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink”: Lower Unveils BDSM-Themed Valentine’s Menu
KINKERAN COMMONS — Going against hundreds of years of rigid Church doctrine, Boston College Dining Services cooked up some controversy on Tuesday morning by announcing a special menu for Valentine’s Day. Catering to the most heathenous members of the BC community, the aptly named “Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink” program will... Read more