The New England Classic
Golden Jesuit: Father Leahy Trades Collar for C*nd*ms

“Once a man of God, now a God of love. This prim and proper priest who has spent the majority of his life being a figurehead at Boston College is ready to trade that position for a more pleasurable one”

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BC Builds Outdoor Venue For Stoning Sinners And Heretics

“I’ve seen this campus descend into moral depravity and sin over my career and it’s time we enhanced the judicial processes outlined in the Student Code of Conduct,” said Fr. Leahy. “We need to go back to the good old days when people doing bad things didn’t go through a long systematic trial, and we just stoned them to death. This outdoor venue is exactly for that.”

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8-Man Gives Up Slurs For Lent

“We just thought, you know, this was the year to really take our faith seriously,” said Big Ette (CSOM ’25). “So, yeah, we’re Catholic and proud and we aren’t saying ANY slurs except the f-slur out of devotion to our faith.”

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Leahy’s Successor Revealed To Be Evil Face On The Back of His Head

“It is I, William P. Leahy, and I am now announcing my successor to you few snooping reporters. My successor is none other than…” he paused to raise the already scalding levels of suspense. “Me!”

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Kyle Backs Out Of Stokes Set And Is Replaced By Father John Misty, Angering BC Jesuits

With song titles like “Fun Times in Babylon,” “God’s Favorite Customer,” and “Holy Shit,” it is easy to see how Administration was fooled, though a quick Google search would have shown that Misty has a history of openly criticizing Christianity. Fr. Leahy added, “When I looked him up on the computer, I started crying.”

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Pontius Pilate: Slay Or Nay?
JERUSALEM– Well, it’s that time of the year again. Many students have fled campus in hordes, ready to celebrate Holy Week in their hometowns of Just Outside New York, Near Chicago, and Western Mass. And as Easter approaches, that means it’s time for the New England Classic’s annual analysis... Read more
I’m Jewish …You’ve Got Schmutz On Your Face

“I don’t know the significance of the stuff. Everyone has the right to practice what they want, but golly, I just want to lick my thumb and shine them up just like my Bubbe used to do.”

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BC Postpones Divestment To Give World Time To Forget Harvard Did It First

Father Leahy supposedly told the senior staff assembled that he would “not let it look like we’re copying those Ivy League fucks,” his frock crumbling with disdain as if it were flustered as well. 

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Fr. Leahy To Offer Exorcisms To The Sick

“I didn’t end up having the virus, but just like the Four Loko, that shit cleaned me out. Lots of stuff resurfaced—turns out Jesus and I have a couple of things in common, like mad daddy issues.”

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Jim Christian Relieved To Be Jim Atheist Again

Though many would have been distressed over the prospect of a job search during the pandemic, Atheist was grateful for the chance to return to his born surname.

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