The New England Classic
Junior Canonized After Rising From The Dead At Pregame
FOSTER STREET – Pope Francis announced Monday that Mike McMackey (CSOM ‘21) will be officially canonized as a Catholic saint. The Boston College junior performed his third miracle this weekend when he resurrected himself from the dead in the basement of 295 Foster Street.  The 20-year-old grandson of four... Read more
Columbus Attempts To Discover The Mods, Finds Walsh Instead
Christopher Columbus (University of Bologna ‘92) made a critical error this past Monday when he attempted to go to the Mods for a party but ended up at Walsh Hall instead. Columbus reportedly received word of multiple parties happening at the Mods and decided to head west in search... Read more
Total Plug: Dad Gives Sophomore Sip Of Beer During Game
ALUMNI FIELD — Underage sophomore Harry “Heavyweight” Holmes had his entire weekend made when his cool father agreed to share a sip of his beer with him at the game on Saturday.  After tailgating in the Robsham parking lot, where eyewitnesses claim they saw Heavyweight sneaking some drinks behind... Read more
Not Again: Eagle Escort Actually The Cash Cab
CAMPANELLA WAY — Three freshmen watched their night go from bad to worse on Saturday as their travel plans took an unexpected turn for the trivial. Piling into what they believed to be an Eagle Escort van, the members of the trio had no idea that they had just... Read more
Well-Intentioned Douchebag Kinda Wishes He Went On Appa Instead Of Drinking For 7 Days
RUBENSTEIN HALL — Returning to campus Sunday afternoon, senior Joe McCaffery reflected on his week-long spring break vacation to Punta Cana. His vacation included drinking by the pool, lounging on the beach while drinking, and staring into his drink after losing money at the casino. Though he “straight up... Read more
Aspiring Sommelier Pairs Mango Juul Pod With Lime Rubi

“I have lots more pairings coming soon,” Rider said. “I just copped some tobacco pods, I think they’ll go really well with unflavored Rubi. I’ll probably expand into dab pen stuff soon, that market is growing so fast, you know?”

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RA Candidate Found Stuck In Window After Fleeing Sophomore Party
90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — Saturday night, 54% of Luke Oglethorpe (MCAS ‘21) was found hanging out of a window of 90 after resident assistants knocked on the door of the party he was attending. Oglethorpe recently submitted his application to be a freshman RA and did not... Read more
Off-Campus Juniors Saved $183 In Heating Bill By Hosting Sweaty Parties
FOSTER STREET — After paying their most recent heating bill, the residents of 288 Foster St. have saved $183 this past December. Although Boston has been experiencing a winter with temperatures at record-breaking lows, the juniors maintained a comfortable, humid temperature in their home by hosting extremely sweaty parties... Read more
Aging Sophomore Can’t Drink Like She Used To
90 SAINT THOMAS MORE RD. — In a groggy haze, Sarah Flaunder (MCAS ‘21) came to the harrowing realization last Saturday that she can’t handle as much alcohol as she could  “back in her youth.” Between gulps of Gatorade, the 19-year-old reported that she had an “uncomfortable mix” of... Read more