The New England Classic
Unlike The Circle Bouncer, Mom Won’t Let You Drink EVEN If You Slip Her A $20

How could this be? You’re 18 (literally an adult), and you are in college. No way your uptight parents aren’t going to let you get sloppy drunk on the best holiday of the year. 

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Overzealous RA Confiscates Resident’s Alcohol Functional Group

“Hugh is brazen and obviously wreckless,” said Ranie. “He didn’t even care enough to try and hide the alcohol.”

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LTE: My Parents Don’t Know How To Socialize Either

My mom keeps refusing to eat Greg’s dad’s food because she feels bad, but she’s actually just making it awkward as fuck. As I watch my parents, I ask myself, why must I feel ashamed of my parents’ uncanny dispositions?

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RUH ROH! Underclassmen Chased Out Of Circle By Paw Patrol.

Using the power of teamwork and friendship, the Paw Patrol handled the situation with ease. Chase, the police dog, went in first to round up and chase out the underclassmen.

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“4 Years Flew By” Says Senior Who Blacks Out 3x A Week
UNCONSCIOUSNESS — With the school year coming to a close, the BC Class of 2024 has been reminiscing about their college experience. As they think about all the nights in Bapst, all the TikToks they watched instead of studying in Bapst, all the shameful walk homes from Bapst, they... Read more
LTE: All Good Deeds Are Inherently Selfish

At the end of the day are we not just serving ourselves? I over serve myself in alcohol and you over serve yourself in the reception of gratitude and acknowledgement, are we both not drunk?

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BREAKING: Part Two of THE PATH Revealed

Sure, you might have seen the first page of #THEPATH, which includes things like the Eagles having to win out the league and Virginia having to beat Louisville in the games this weekend, but little did readers know that there was an entire second side of #THEPATH.

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BC Alcohol Compliance Officer Ranked First in Jobs That Will Definitely Get You Laid

U.S. News posted the rankings this past week with The New England Classic Staff Writer and Monster Truck Driver coming in positions two and three, respectively. Both of those positions pull more sexual partners than all other jobs with the exception of Alcohol Compliance Officer.

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Cool Dad Transported From Tailgate (For Routine Colonoscopy)

“It all happened so fast,” recalls Bruce McManus Jr. (CSOM ’23), who was witness to the episode. “One moment, I was crushing brews and tossing the pigskin with my old man. Next thing I knew, he’s getting examined for swollen/irritated tissues, polyps, or cancer in his large intestine!”

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Ultimate Frisbee Teams Throw Pizzas Across Comm. Ave, Receive Crazy Dough’s Sponsorship

After getting the green light from the owner of Dough’s, Roni knew that she needed to get as many hands on deck as possible. She sent a text to Veggie Dude (CSOM ’22), captain of the Men’s Club Ultimate Frisbee team, to ask if his team could offer a few handlers. He was initially skeptical but eventually got on board. “I didn’t want to say yes at first because I knew I’d have a few beers in me, but then I remembered I play almost every club game drunk.”

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