The New England Classic
“It’s Like A Third Leg”—Telltale Signs Of Leahy’s Snow Angel

“Gasson Quad was not untouched: in the middle lay a fresh snow angel, complete with wings, a priest collar, and a tree-trunk sized sleeve jutting from its crotch. “

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“Cultured” Students Return From Abroad: Campus Pickpocketing At A High

For those who stayed on campus in the Fall semester, get ready to lose your sanity hearing your acquaintance gab about their “eye-opening experiences”, along with maybe losing your wallet in your backpack when around them.

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Unlike The Circle Bouncer, Mom Won’t Let You Drink EVEN If You Slip Her A $20

How could this be? You’re 18 (literally an adult), and you are in college. No way your uptight parents aren’t going to let you get sloppy drunk on the best holiday of the year. 

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Freshman Who Read “Allegory Of The Cave” Insistent That He Is Too Old For Kids Table

He truly understands now that sometimes punching your friends in the balls as a joke is unjust, even if they deserve it.

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Student Who Applied To Collage Confused Why No Classes Use Paper Mache

“Over the last 4 years, I’ve been telling my friends and family that I go Boston Collage”, Less said “They think I’ve dedicated 4 years to intensive experiential learning via multimedia digital and canvas storytelling. My parents are so proud of me, what the hell am I gonna tell them now? They spent almost $350,000 and all I have to show them is a bunch of essays and bluebooks filled with gibberish and buzzwords.”

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UNC vs. BC: Is This Elder Abuse?

Countless messages in the class of 2025 group me indicate that an “unc” ticket is the hottest one on the market.

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Uh-oh! Turns Out We’re Playing A FAKE School In Hockey Tonight

When Purter called the school’s athletics office to confirm tonight’s lines, he was met with an answering machine looking for inquiries into the disappearance of D.B. Cooper.

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UFC Fight Night – Paul VS Leahy

Leahy’s strict regimen consists of a healthy mix of  intense water aerobic dance, low intensity steady state cardio on the PhysioMax Commercial Total Body Exerciser Upper Body Ergometer and Recumbent BikeTM, and 10 sets of yoga ball “goofing off” until failure to finish it up. 

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An Overdue Celebration: Happy Men’s Week from The New England Classic!

Drink some beer. Cheat on your girlfriend. Call your mom a bitch. Eat some raw meat. Shoot a gun. Ball out. Go fucking crazy. This week is for us. Let’s bring back manly men.

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Letter To Thy Editor: Yes I Support Satan, Have You Seen Hell’s Economy?

Some support the omniscient and most holy God’s infallible plan for existence. However, they fail to consider the impact on tithes. Why is it that a hard-working king who took the risk to employ hundreds of serfs on his father’s land should be tithed more?

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