The New England Classic
Windexgate: Schiller’s Sinister Secrets Spilled

We finally started to see what was in front of our eyes the whole time. It was all smoke and mirrors. Classroom after classroom, that blue yet delectable liquid.

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The Google 2-Step Rapture Is Here: No One Is Safe
WHEREVER THEY KEEP THE BC TECH PEOPLE— Students and faculty alike have been frantically saving their gmail passwords and kissing their loved ones goodbye in preparation for the most anticipated event of the month: The Google 2-Step Rapture. As made abundantly clear by BC Technology Services, the rapture is... Read more
Jeff Hafley Changes BC Football Slogan To “Everyone’s A Winner”

The players seem to have a positive outlook on next year’s season. According to a survey distributed by The Classic, the team describes the upcoming rebrand as “cool, I guess,” “what does rebrand mean,” and “as long as i get the scooter idc.”

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BC Snubbed from First CFP Rankings Despite Statement Wins Against Colgate, UMass

“These kids worked so hard to get where we are this season,” said Hafley, “Frankly, any team that dropped 50 points on that Colgate defense is undeniably one of the best 25 teams in the nation.”

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Stokes Set: How Bryce Vine Lost His Way
UNKNOWN LOCATION—It’s finally here. The day of Stokes Set, the first since the 2019-2020 academic year. Our esteemed CAB has sorted through and selected only the best, most qualified artist to perform to the masses of Eagles—the guy they hired for Plexapalooza before it got canceled. Bryce Vine will... Read more
Weirdo Gets Power Trip From Pressing Walsh Elevator Buttons
Walsh Hall— Last Friday night, during the peak hours of elevator usage in Walsh Hall, many students reported that a sick, sick man was standing in the elevator asking people what floor they were getting off on. At first it seemed the man was just being polite, but when... Read more
Neiiighhh! (Written by a Horse)
The following article was translated with assistance from the Boston College Libraries. Hell yeah, dude. Another day as a horse. I thought today I’d just do my normal routine (wake up, eat hay, clop), but the kind people at The New England Classic reached out and asked if I’d... Read more
10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be At The Boston Logan International Airport
Live on CoRo all four years. I’d rather make the commute from exile every damn day than have to walk the marathon from the parking garage to the check-in desk even once.  Talk to Molly’s owner for longer than .2 seconds. I’d give that man my instagram handle- hell,... Read more
Creators of Club Club Lacrosse Announce Model Model UN
VANDERSLICE HALL — After months of speculation, the group of BC juniors responsible for the Club Club Lacrosse team announced Monday the formation of “Model Model UN”. The founders hope that just like Club Club Lacrosse, Model Model UN will be a great outlet for kids whose identity was... Read more
Uh Oh: This Textbook Was Previously Owned By An Idiot

“At this point, I just hope the shit-for-brains responsible gets the help that they so clearly need.” 

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