The New England Classic
I’m Jewish …You’ve Got Schmutz On Your Face

“I don’t know the significance of the stuff. Everyone has the right to practice what they want, but golly, I just want to lick my thumb and shine them up just like my Bubbe used to do.”

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Strategic Genius: Boyfriend Utilizes Body Double to Deke Valentine’s Day Responsibilities

“Since he doesn’t have anything better to do, he’ll be the one forced to sit through Valentine’s Day dinner at the Dorchester Applebee’s while I’m watching Jerry York struggle to make it through one more year.”

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Professor Hosts Office Hours In Home On November 25th
CHESTNUT HILL ​​— Late last night, all freshmen enrolled in the famous first-year seminar entitled Courage to Know (UNCS 2201) received a Canvas notification from their professor, Cue T. Pie. The announcement stated that despite the reprieve from classes Wednesday-Friday, Professor Pie would be holding office hours in her... Read more
“We’re Totally Grabbing Lunch Over Break,” Say High School Friends Who Will Definitely Not Be Grabbing Lunch Over Break
NEEDHAM, MA  — As BC students flock home for Thanksgiving, the impending doom of being forced to reunite with highschool acquaintances has led many to adopt tactics of negotiation and diplomacy.  Anita Brake (MCAS ‘25), excitedly posted an obligatory “Goodbye Chestnut Hill, hello Needham” boomerang on her story to commemorate... Read more
Athlete Scoots Home For The Holidays Due To Surge In Flight Prices

However, after a stroke of inspiration while scooting to his finance class, Speedster has decided to do what no other Boston College Athlete has done: scoot on home for the holidays. “Yeah I mean this bad boy can get me to Playa Bowls and back, why can’t I scoot to Florida?”

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SPOOKY: Chocolate Bar To Hire Ghosts as Seasonal Employees
STOKES SOUTH — Due to a recent shortage in staffing, Stokes Hall’s beloved Chocolate Bar has been forced to shut down once again. Luckily for cacao- and caffeine-deprived students, BC Dining has announced a plan to dip into the largely unemployed ghost population present at Boston College. When asked about... Read more
SPOOKY! Casper Grew Up, and He’s Anti-Vaxx

Mr. Ghost began his presentation by calling the Pfizer vaccine “Commy Kool-Aid”, and global lockdowns “nothing more than an attempt to keep old guys like me off the streets.”

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Student Who Moved Home Just Now Realizing His Parents Got Divorced
WESTCHESTER COUNTY, N.Y. — Two full weeks after returning home for the semester, junior  Dan Nulment (CSOM ’22) has just now begun to realize that his parents may have ended their marriage at some point in the past three months.  “When my mom told me that Dad was ‘quarantining... Read more
Getting Festive: CAB Announces They Have Hidden A Bomb

“If the bomb is found and deactivated successfully, the student responsible will win a free personal training session at the Plex, along with a $20 Flat Breads gift card. If the device is not found, the scale of destruction could be incomprehensible. “

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Alarming: Hundreds of Students Would Rather Be In New Jersey

“At press time, hundreds of New Jerseryan students were queued up at the Newton Center Shell station, waiting for someone else to pump their gas.”

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