The New England Classic
Student Who Moved Home Just Now Realizing His Parents Got Divorced
WESTCHESTER COUNTY, N.Y. — Two full weeks after returning home for the semester, junior  Dan Nulment (CSOM ’22) has just now begun to realize that his parents may have ended their marriage at some point in the past three months.  “When my mom told me that Dad was ‘quarantining... Read more
Getting Festive: CAB Announces They Have Hidden A Bomb

“If the bomb is found and deactivated successfully, the student responsible will win a free personal training session at the Plex, along with a $20 Flat Breads gift card. If the device is not found, the scale of destruction could be incomprehensible. “

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Alarming: Hundreds of Students Would Rather Be In New Jersey

“At press time, hundreds of New Jerseryan students were queued up at the Newton Center Shell station, waiting for someone else to pump their gas.”

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BC Dining Unveils Thanksgiving Menu — “It’s Just Rice.”

Much like this year’s forbidden Thanksgiving gatherings nationwide, dinner on The Heights will be bland, tough to swallow, and overwhelmingly white. 

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Five Things to Convert Your Friend’s Room Into After They Leave for Break

The number one request of all Boston College students from 2005-2019 has been more meat lockers available to undergrads.

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Six Polite Ways To Get Your Roommates To Stop Listening To Christmas Music Before Thanksgiving

“Have your roommates already started listening to Christmas music? If you answered ‘yes’ or ‘possibly’ or ‘I CANNOT THINK STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO READ THIS BECAUSE THAT CATCHY SNOWMISER/HEATMISER SONG FROM The Year Without a Santa Claus IS ALREADY STUCK IN MY HEAD,’ we have you covered with six polite ways to get your roommates to stop playing Christmas music so early.”

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Spooky: Roommate Seriously Considering Sexy RBG Costume
WALSH HALL — Recent reports from multiple Walsh residents have confirmed that local roommate and VSCO girl Sarah Sleshinger was seriously considering a “sexy RBG” costume for this Halloween. The costume, consisting of only the little white collar-thing and a gavel in the shape of a penis, was purchased... Read more
Bapst Library Unveiled As A Spirit Halloween Store Following Renovation
LINDEN LANE — After months of ongoing construction, scaffolding was finally removed from the façade of the Bapst Library early this week, revealing that the library is now home to a Spirit Halloween store. The store’s arrival marked the official kickoff to Spooky Season for residents on the Heights.... Read more
“Don’t Travel During Columbus Day Weekend” Say Lochhead, Comeau From Helm Of The “Pinta”

“Executive Vice President Michael Lochhead and Director of University Health Services Dr. Douglas Comeau were spotted by a source close to The Classic Early Monday morning, steering a replica version of Christopher Columbus’s Pinto on some sort of homage reenactment in the Caribbean Sea.”

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Op-Ed: Valentine’s Day Is Over And So Is Premarital Sex
February 14th, what a magical night. I bet you had a ton of fun having sex, huh? Bet you really enjoyed yourself. Think it’s so fun to disrespect the Lord? Yeah? Well guess what folks! Fuck time is OVER! That’s right, it’s time to hold hands and share one... Read more