The New England Classic
Spooky! These Guys Dressed As Ghosts Keep Saying Some Really Racist Shit
PULASKI, TN — Mac Xavier (MCAS ‘19) ventured to Southern Tennessee over the Halloween weekend to visit his longtime friend from high school, Dave Dukington. Many were reportedly dressed for the occasion, and some of the people who were dressed up as sheet ghosts kept saying “some really racist... Read more
Confused Addazio Evacuates Chestnut Hill Due To Incoming Hurricanes, May Miss Miami Game
ALUMNI STADIUM — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss the team’s Friday night matchup against the University of Miami after Addazio reportedly evacuated Chestnut Hill late Thursday evening, due to what he described as “serious concerns over incoming hurricanes.” While the only hurricanes making their way... Read more
BCPD Prepares for the Impending Arrival of Florida Man
MALONEY HALL — With the approach of tonight’s matchup against the Miami Hurricanes, most of the Boston College community is ready to wind down the week by enjoying some good ol’ college football. However, the Boston College Police Department (BCPD) has been put on high alert as it prepares... Read more
BC’s Pipe-Smoking Students Demand More Sumptuous Leather Armchairs
GASSON COMMON — Punctuating their statement with long, pensive draws from their briars, a group of pipe-smoking students presented demands to the University administration on Thursday, citing the need for more sumptuous leather armchairs. The tweed-clad students stood behind a mahogany podium amid wisps of silver-blue smoke and decried... Read more
Tailgating Parents Totally Unaware That Lilly Is Blacked Out
MOD LOT — Staggering around her roommate’s friend’s tailgate, Lilly Carter (MCAS ’22) reported that game days were her favorite because “none of these parents can even tell I’m shithoused!” An avid football fan, Carter woke up at 8:30 AM to start ripping shots of vodka and sipping spiked... Read more
Trick Or Retreat! Kairos Group Goes To Salem To Burn Witches
SALEM, Mass. — The popular Kairos retreat wrapped up another successful spiritual expedition in Salem this past weekend. In addition to the standard prayer and reflection sessions, the participants of Kairos 179 reportedly furthered their understanding of God’s role in their lives by setting fire to at least seven,... Read more
Yes, Student With Barstool Flag Is Voting In Midterms Too
CLAVER HALL — In a stunning move Saturday evening, Bryce Myers (CSOM ’22) announced his intentions to vote in the upcoming midterm elections. Myers, who receives his political news from the Snapchat Discover section and has a large “Saturdays Are For The Boys” flag hanging on the wall of... Read more
Candidate For Sainthood? Student Asks “What Floor?” In Elevator
90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — Known for her involvement in community service clubs such as 4Boston and Pulse, sophomore Ashini Anand has established a charitable reputation around campus. This past Friday, she elevated her behavior to near-sainthood when she asked classmate Valentina D’Agostino (MCAS ‘21) “What floor?” upon... Read more
Changing Leaves, Brighton Robberies Mark Beginning Of Fall
BRIGHTON, MA — According to a recent BCPD report, the seasonal influx of robberies in the off-campus community is once again in full swing. Along with the crisp air, colorful foliage, and blue skies that mark the fall season in Boston, the familiar ring of police sirens and broken... Read more
Rude! I’ve Left My Door Unlocked Every Night And The Tickler Still Hasn’t Tickled Me
I have heard many “horror” stories about BC students waking up in the middle of the night to find a strange man at the foot of their bed. He is a serial home invader; however, he never steals. He just tickles the feet of his prey. Now, I’m not... Read more