The New England Classic
Desperate Sophomore Places Work Order For GPA
O’NEILL 5 — On Sunday evening, sophomore Quinn Lucas was found convulsing in the fetal position on the fourth floor of O’Neill Library. Next to him were two accounting textbooks, a stack of diagrams on the earth’s layers, and the work-order interface open on his laptop. “The maintenance crew... Read more
MA’s To Re-open For Three Weeks, No Funding For Bathroom Wall
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — A deal struck among the owners of Boston College’s favorite dive bar will allow Mary Ann’s to reopen its doors, but only for three weeks. Mary Ann’s, also known as MA’s (also ALSO known as Mary Ann’s Family Style Italian Restaurant), shuttered its doors last month... Read more
English Major Demoted To English Captain
STOKES SOUTH — This past Friday, the Boston College Academic Review Board found Brigham O’Brennan (MCAS ‘21) guilty of gross academic misconduct after a week-long investigation. Rather than place him on academic probation, the Board demoted the sophomore from English major to English captain. As an English captain, O’Brennan’s... Read more
Our Takeaways From The State Of The Union Address

The State of the Union is a very formal occasion, and its guests must dress as such. Per a policy originating in the 1920 Treaty of Versailles, sweatpants are not, under any circumstances, permissible, and only certain types of jeans are allowed (depending on how well they are accessorized/bedazzled).

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BC Megadonor Excited For Rec Center To Be Called “New Plex”
MARGOT CONNELL RECREATION CENTER™ — Boston College trustee associate Margot C. Connell (Hon. ’09) announced on Wednesday that she is looking forward to students using and enjoying the “New Plex” when it opens later this year. This nickname, already growing in popularity among the student body, is believed to... Read more
Aspiring Sommelier Pairs Mango Juul Pod With Lime Rubi

“I have lots more pairings coming soon,” Rider said. “I just copped some tobacco pods, I think they’ll go really well with unflavored Rubi. I’ll probably expand into dab pen stuff soon, that market is growing so fast, you know?”

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QUIZ: Is She Into You, Or Just Trying To Get 500+ LinkedIn Connections?
Love appears in the most unexpected places, but how can you know when it’s really real? That cute girl from your finance class just connected with you on LinkedIn, and you think it could be L-O-V-E. But you have to know for sure. Take this quiz to definitively find... Read more
Embarrassing! Tom Brady Accidentally Kisses His Wife Instead Of His Kids
ATLANTA — In one of the most egregiously humiliating gaffes of the 21st century, Tom Brady kissed Giselle Bündchen, wife of almost 10 years, instead of his 12-year old son Jack on Sunday afternoon in the lead up to Super Bowl LIII. The Patriots quarterback reportedly kisses his son... Read more
Conte Forum Outsources Extra Space During Basketball Games To Chemistry Department
CONTE FORUM — Citing an extreme lack of ticket sales, the Boston College men’s basketball team has decided to outsource the extra space in Conte Forum during home games. The move aims to provide the university with a solution to the classroom deficit caused by the imminent closing of... Read more
Weird: My Roommate Gets An Allowance From His Parents, But Still Wants Me To Pay Him Back For Stealing His Ketamine
Sources close to my roommate, Alex Milford (CSOM ’21), have reported that his parents, Jane (CSOM ’93) and Lawrence Milford (MCAS ’94) give him a monthly allowance. This information brings into question Milford’s recent assertion that he needed me to pay him back for the ketamine I stole from... Read more