The New England Classic
January 6 Pardonees Excited to Fill BU Student Section

The New England Classic is here to dispel the rumor that BU is infested with quintuple COVID-boosted, Judith Butler-loving liberals like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. In fact, Boston University is a well-known right-wing safe haven in higher education.

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Trump To Rename Stokes Lawn “Lawn of America”

However, when cruising across the lawn, Trump was appalled with the fact that Boston College, a school with so many of his supporters, would name such a pillar of campus after the wretched pursuit of liberal arts.

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TikTok Ban Edges America: We’ll See What’s to Come

“Insiders say that the TikTok CEO and American government were influenced by new sensation: ‘edging.'”

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Holy Kaiju! Democrats Unveil Mecha Luther King Jr. Ahead Of Trump Inauguration

While it is unclear what kind of deal will be brokered between the US Government and King Ghidorah, conspiracy theories have gripped the nation about the impending Kaiju battle.

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“It’s Like A Third Leg”—Telltale Signs Of Leahy’s Snow Angel

“Gasson Quad was not untouched: in the middle lay a fresh snow angel, complete with wings, a priest collar, and a tree-trunk sized sleeve jutting from its crotch. “

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“Cultured” Students Return From Abroad: Campus Pickpocketing At A High

For those who stayed on campus in the Fall semester, get ready to lose your sanity hearing your acquaintance gab about their “eye-opening experiences”, along with maybe losing your wallet in your backpack when around them.

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Unlike The Circle Bouncer, Mom Won’t Let You Drink EVEN If You Slip Her A $20

How could this be? You’re 18 (literally an adult), and you are in college. No way your uptight parents aren’t going to let you get sloppy drunk on the best holiday of the year. 

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Freshman Who Read “Allegory Of The Cave” Insistent That He Is Too Old For Kids Table

He truly understands now that sometimes punching your friends in the balls as a joke is unjust, even if they deserve it.

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Student Who Applied To Collage Confused Why No Classes Use Paper Mache

“Over the last 4 years, I’ve been telling my friends and family that I go Boston Collage”, Less said “They think I’ve dedicated 4 years to intensive experiential learning via multimedia digital and canvas storytelling. My parents are so proud of me, what the hell am I gonna tell them now? They spent almost $350,000 and all I have to show them is a bunch of essays and bluebooks filled with gibberish and buzzwords.”

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UNC vs. BC: Is This Elder Abuse?

Countless messages in the class of 2025 group me indicate that an “unc” ticket is the hottest one on the market.

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