The New England Classic
British Student Walks Up Left Side Of Million Dollar Stairs
GABELLI PLAZA — British student Elizabeth Queen (MCAS ’22) caused mayhem on the Million Dollar Stairs on Wednesday when she used the left side of the stairs to ascend the incline. “Blokes do everything so different on this side of the pond,” said Queen. “So it’s parky out and... Read more
Ben Shapiro Purchases O’Neill And Bapst, Now Owns The Libs
O’NEILL LIBRARY — Conservative author and commentator Ben Shapiro announced last Friday that he has finalized the purchase of both Bapst Library and O’Neill Library, in an effort to “truly own the libs, once and for all.” Boston College officially verified the acquisition in an email to students and... Read more
Not Again: Eagle Escort Actually The Cash Cab
CAMPANELLA WAY — Three freshmen watched their night go from bad to worse on Saturday as their travel plans took an unexpected turn for the trivial. Piling into what they believed to be an Eagle Escort van, the members of the trio had no idea that they had just... Read more
BC Cancels Campus Subscription to WSJ, Replaces With W, S.J.
ST. MARY’S HALL — Boston College Libraries, under the direction of administrators, quietly cancelled campus subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal (WSJ) last week, replacing them with subscriptions to a new Jesuit periodical, W, S.J. The cancellation, which was announced via Post-it Note on the O’Neill Answer Wall on... Read more
Student Asks Class Facebook Group If Anyone Wants Anything From CVS
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Local samaritan Katie Rollhouse (LSOE ’21) posted an offer on the Official Boston College Class of 2021 Facebook group to pick up any items people might need from CVS. Since being published, the post has received a staggering number of “wow” and “angry” reacts — along... Read more
Student Causes Concern After Putting Well-being Before Academics
STAYER HALL — Junior Joanna Yost returned to Boston College last Sunday after a relaxing weekend at home, and found herself in the middle of judgmental and passive-aggressive comments from her peers. They were reportedly “dumbfounded” when she revealed that she had spent her time home unwinding and decompressing... Read more
Run For Your Life: The Heightsmen Are Singing 50s Doo-Wop Again
Can you hear the rumble? The rumble from beyond the hill? The slow, growing rumble of the Heightsmen, bumbling, tumbling and stumbling into town? Be still, for they can smell your fear… Boston College’s ONLY all-male a capella group is singing 50’s Doo-Wop on campus once again. It all... Read more
Twenty-Five Percent Of Freshman Class Comes Down With CoRo Virus
After previously denying its existence, Dr. Tom Nary of University Health Services has confirmed a significant outbreak of CoRo Virus, affecting one in four rising sophomores. CoRo Virus is a rare disease, with symptoms including loneliness, depression, and irrational anger at the luck the gods bestowed on you. How... Read more
Underground Cockfighting Ring Now Accepts Eagle Bucks
CARNEY BASEMENT — A clandestine chicken-fighting operation in Carney 003 has become the latest Newton business to accept Eagle Bucks, allowing students to easily bet vending machine money on the vicious bloodsport.    Designating university-backed currency as legal tender at illegal animal-fighting rings has been questioned by many at... Read more
Sadistic Fuck Working Out Without Headphones
WILLIAM J. FLYNN RECREATION COMPLEX — On Wednesday, Warren Fuggit (CSOM ‘20) was seen working out without wearing headphones, much to the horror of the entire student body. His roommates were reportedly “appalled” after witnessing Fuggit leave their 8-man without wearing any form of portable electroacoustic transducer. “I can’t... Read more