BC Alcohol Compliance Officer Ranked First in Jobs That Will Definitely Get You Laid
PLAYBOY MANSION — Look out, ladies and gents! B*ner alert! Per U.S. News and World Report, BC Alcohol Compliance Officer has just been ranked numero uno in “Jobs That Will Definitely Get You Laid.” That means that the guy who poured out your drink in front of you at a tailgate definitely has so, so, so much s*x.
U.S. News posted the rankings this past week with The New England Classic Staff Writer and Monster Truck Driver coming in positions two and three, respectively. Both of those positions pull more sexual partners than all other jobs with the exception of Alcohol Compliance Officer. Men and women from the Greater Boston area are clamoring at the chance to wear yellow safety vests and patrol tailgates for open beer cans and other contraband.
When a person thinks about the most courageous jobs in the world, they think about soldiers, firefighters… and of course The New England Classic Staff Writers. Sadly, they’re mistaken. It takes balls to wear that vest that totally does not look dorky at all. Their job is absolutely necessary and definitely not a buzzkill. Their work has left students around campus hot and bothered.
Troy Jan, an Officer from Waltham, told the Classic, “I’m swimming in it. I had to delete Instagram because of all the DM notifications. It’s a blessing and a curse. My wife and kids left me because of all the attention.” The sacrifices these men and women make are unbelievable. The Classic honors their service.