The New England Classic
WTF
OIP Announces New External Program With Galactic Federation

“Not once in four millennia have we encountered a species whose diet consists entirely of carbohydrates and fermented grains, and yet is capable of such emotional overstimulation.”

Read more
The Stress Of The Season: My Dentist Took Like 9 Ritalins And Removed All Of My Teeth

Dr. Lee did not seem particularly remorseful. In fact, she seemed kind of impressed with her own work.

Read more
Computer Science Department Hires Actual Python To Teach Classes
Amid a chronic shortage of professors in the computer science department at BC, CS majors finally have a reason to rejoice: the department now has an actual living python as a faculty member to teach introductory classes on Python! No one is quite sure about where the python came... Read more
Red Bandana Game Canceled Amid Covid Concerns; BC Schedules Two 9/11s For 2021

“To create a more equitable situation, as well as make up for lost revenue, BC will simply schedule two 9/11s for the 2021/22 football season.

Read more
Anti-Matter “Dark Leahy” Emerges From Project Lucidity, Loudly Denounces Racism

“I AM LLIB YHAEL, ARBITER OF JUSTICE,” screamed the otherworldly abomination. “MY GUNS DISPERSE JUDGEMENT, MY SWORD CLEAVES IGNORANCE IN TWAIN!”

Read more
Welles Crowther 5K To Be Held Over Wii Fit

The run’s organizers are also taking aggressive steps to prevent runners from simply shaking the Wiimote up and down. All participants are required to install Proctorio, the test-proctoring software, onto the Wii that they will be using, which will track their movements using the Wii’s sensor bar.

Read more
“Don’t Travel During Columbus Day Weekend” Say Lochhead, Comeau From Helm Of The “Pinta”

“Executive Vice President Michael Lochhead and Director of University Health Services Dr. Douglas Comeau were spotted by a source close to The Classic Early Monday morning, steering a replica version of Christopher Columbus’s Pinto on some sort of homage reenactment in the Caribbean Sea.”

Read more
Records Reveal Boston College Has Paid $0 In Income Tax For 150 Years
LINDEN LANE — Owing to an anonymous source, The Classic has obtained Boston College’s tax records dating back to the early 1870s, giving the clearest picture of the University’s finances to date and revealing centuries of chronic tax evasion and seemingly complete impunity from the United States’ tax code.... Read more
7% Tuition Increase Used to Give CSOM Students Special Snacks

“With enough preparation, they should be able eat like grown-ups by the time they make it to the break room at Goldman Sachs.”

Read more
What The Fuck: Molly On Campus Without Mask

The Classic tried to reach Molly’s owner’s wife for comment, but we were unable to make contact.

Read more