The New England Classic
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Athlete Scoots Home For The Holidays Due To Surge In Flight Prices

However, after a stroke of inspiration while scooting to his finance class, Speedster has decided to do what no other Boston College Athlete has done: scoot on home for the holidays. “Yeah I mean this bad boy can get me to Playa Bowls and back, why can’t I scoot to Florida?”

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Pro-Life Club Replaces Table Representatives With Brick Wall

The student body seemed to welcome the new addition to campus. One passerby, Secks Halver (MCAS ’24), shared her thoughts. “It’s amazing! It really is just like talking to the club members. I can’t wait to sit down every week and just duke it out with the wall. It’s gonna be cathartic.”

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Test Tube Baby? This Guy’s Parents Conceived In Chem Lab

“I don’t really think he understands that two people raw-dogging it on a lab bench is not the same as an embryo grown in a lab.”

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A Man For Others: This Guy Warms Every Chair Before His Class

“I see that kid in there at 8:00 AM, 7:30 even. Every week. He sits in each chair in that classroom, gets ‘em good and warm. Even talks to them sometimes. Before he moves on to the next one, he gives one tender little kiss.”

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Hafley Wants You To Give Morehead … A Chance

“The guys need Morehead. He’s a natural leader and will definitely come in handy. I think he’ll really loosen them up and get the juices flowing. There’s natural chemistry there. He may be the secret ingredient to finally arouse our boys.”

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SPOOKY: Chocolate Bar To Hire Ghosts as Seasonal Employees
STOKES SOUTH — Due to a recent shortage in staffing, Stokes Hall’s beloved Chocolate Bar has been forced to shut down once again. Luckily for cacao- and caffeine-deprived students, BC Dining has announced a plan to dip into the largely unemployed ghost population present at Boston College. When asked about... Read more
Satan Visited Campus Today, And Yup, It Was Awesome

“Yep. It was awesome,“ said Tugger Moatroder (MCAS ’23).

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Sophomore Goes on Retreat for Three Months to Six Years

“Many students have reported rigorous fingerprinting procedures and are supposedly required to have a session with a Boston-based criminal defense attorney.”

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Jerry York Really Just 1300 Peppermint Patties In A Human Suit

Some staff members have been arguing that being made of chocolate makes you unqualified to coach a premier Division I hockey program, yet the players seem to be attracted to his unique method.

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BC Postpones Divestment To Give World Time To Forget Harvard Did It First

Father Leahy supposedly told the senior staff assembled that he would “not let it look like we’re copying those Ivy League fucks,” his frock crumbling with disdain as if it were flustered as well. 

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