Freshman Beginning To Suspect Orientation Leader Doesn’t Actually Want To Be Friends
Freshmen October 13, 2017
STOKES SOUTH — Freshman Anna Blumberg realized that her orientation leader, Aaron Parsons (MCAS ‘19), may not actually want to be friends after Parsons showed up more than twenty minutes late for their coffee date Thursday. “I’m so glad my OL finally found time to meet up with me,” said Blumberg... Read more
OPINION: Senior Five Lists Are A Shallow And Immature Concept, And Why The FUCK Am I Not On One Yet?
OpinionSexStudent Life October 12, 2017
Before I begin, let me be clear about one thing: I have NO problem with the concept of premarital sex. In fact, I myself would LOVE to partake in it someday. But making a list of the top five people you want to have sexual relations with before graduation and... Read more
CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College’s Board of Trustees made the controversial decision to double down on their investments in fossil fuels during a conference call earlier this week. This announcement has called into question the university’s commitment to environmental sustainability, as well as the dermatologic health of a prominent... Read more
MCELROY COMMONS — After a 7 AM session of sunrise yoga and a few lengthy spins around the Labyrinth, Perspectives major Leonard Stroll (MCAS ’20) was sighted crossing the street in front of Mac at a turtle’s pace, lollygagging about and generally doing what eyewitnesses described as “absolutely nothing.”... Read more
Reservoir Geese Appalled By Couple Making Out On Bench
Student Life October 9, 2017
CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — In a surprise public statement released on Monday, the head goose of the Reservoir Waterfowl Flock expressed his dismay at the lewd actions that regularly occur on reservoir benches. According to the spokesbird, the most recent incident took place on Saturday night, shortly after a... Read more
Bean Counter Closes, “We’ve Counted All The Beans”
Student Life October 8, 2017
FULTON HALL — Boston College’s favorite on-campus coffee joint, the Bean Counter, closed Thursday after the final bean was counted. Manager Tara Macchiato reported that the final count came out to 14,574 total beans, which many agree is a sizable amount. “We’ve officially counted all the beans,” said Macchiato.... Read more
Addazio Lost In Corn Maze, May Miss VTech Game
Addazio October 6, 2017
DANVERS, MA — As the Boston College football team enters its fourth hour of advanced search and rescue procedures at the Connor’s Farm corn maze, head coach Steve Addazio has all but been presumed permanently lost, and is expected to miss the upcoming night game against Virginia Tech. While... Read more
Help! My Conversation Partner Only Wants To Talk About How Much He Loves “The King Of Queens!”
Student Life October 5, 2017
“Most scenes take place in the Heffernans’ home, but other common locations include Doug and Carrie’s workplaces.” These were the first words I ever heard from Tim, and they changed my life forever. “Find your Conversation Partner!” they told us. How young we were then, how naive. Basking... Read more
Underground Frat Charged With Distribution To Miners
Student Life October 4, 2017
STRATHMORE ROAD — Boston College officials issued a citation to the campus’s notorious “underground” fraternity on Saturday following the shocking discovery that they had been providing alcohol to miners. According to an official statement from BCPD, officers became suspicious when they noticed a group of individuals dressed in salmon shorts walking... Read more
“Achoo!” Reports Entire Student Body
FeaturedStudent Life October 3, 2017
CHESTNUT HILL — The first fall of crumpled tissues blankets the campus. Droplets of influenza and ragweed are a-floatin’ through the crisp winter air. It’s sneezy season here on the Heights and the noses be drippin’! “Sorry, I’ve had, like, a really bad cough lately,” your red-eyed, inexplicably leaking roommate... Read more