Guy Who Has Had Sex Twice In Three Years Doesn’t Want To Be Exclusive
SexStudent Life November 5, 2017
CORCORAN COMMONS — Ariana Sommariva (CSON ‘20) was spotted tearing up over a Lower Live omelette Sunday morning, likely in response to the emotional trauma caused by casual romantic partner John Gilmore (CSOM ‘19). When asked about her condition, Sommariva explained that despite their several romantic dates to El... Read more
CHESTNUT HILL — In the aftermath of an outcry surrounding the inaction and absence of Boston College’s fearless leader, Father William P. Leahy S.J., a university investigation has concluded that Father Leahy is officially missing. Students have long been lamenting the absence of the renowned Jesuit from frolics on... Read more
AGAWAM, MA — Citing scheduling conflicts, Boston College football head coach Steve Addazio announced that he will not be present at tonight’s game against Florida State University. Addazio admitted he “made a boo-boo” and forgot there was a game this weekend, but excitedly revealed that he has been hired... Read more
Personal, National Tragedies Great For Ticket Sales, Reports BC Athletics Marketing Team
Big IssuesSports October 27, 2017
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — The marketing division of Boston College Athletics released a new report Friday, outlining a recently discovered phenomenon: deeply emotional tragedies can easily be co-opted into fun gameday themes in order to drastically increase ticket sales. This strategy has been proven successful only when used on... Read more
WILLIAMS HALL — Thursday morning, sophomore Eric Johnson made a shocking discovery after he walked into the bathroom of his College Road quad. “I was just going about my usual morning routine—smashing the snooze button on my alarm clock until my roommate throws a pillow at me, and then... Read more
BC Bubble Boy Contracts Flesh Eating Bacteria On The Green Line
BostonFreshmenStudent Life October 24, 2017
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — One Boston College sophomore remains in critical condition today after contracting a deadly strain of bacteria on the B Line this past weekend. The student, identified only as “Ben,” was reportedly just “trying to see what’s off campus” and “break the BC bubble” when... Read more
CHARLES RIVER — Upon unloading their boats for the 2017 Head of the Charles Regatta early Sunday morning, the Boston College men’s crew team discovered that all of their oars had been replaced with large pieces of uncooked spaghetti. Unable to locate the pro-pasta prankster, the team was forced... Read more
SnapMap Update Tells You If You’ve Got Time For A Yank
SexStudent Life October 20, 2017
PALO ALTO, CA — Popular photo-sharing app Snapchat rolled out an update today allowing its “SnapMap” feature to tell you if it’s safe to jerk off before your roommate gets home. Evan Spiegel, founder and CEO of Snapchat, says the new update “completely revolutionizes modern GPS-tracking software,” adding that... Read more
Overeager Freshman Uses Ambulance Transport As Valuable Pre-Med Networking Opportunity
FreshmenStudent Life October 19, 2017
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — Freshman pre-medical student Calvin Morris (MCAS ‘21), both working hard and partying harder, successfully expanded his professional network last weekend from the back of a Fallon Ambulance located outside of Keyes North. Morris, drifting in and out of consciousness, gained valuable insights from the... Read more
Spooky! Four Students Found “Literally Dead” In The Comments
Spooky October 25, 2017