Now being several months into the school year, students across campus are finally settling into standard routines in their daily lives, including blowing entire meal plans on F’Reals in the span of a week and chilling with the “cool RAs.” Ben Novak, self-proclaimed “Cool Ra,” fears that his coolness may be getting him into a tricky situation with his residents on the first floor of Fitzpatrick.
“I went into this whole RA gig thinking that I was going to be really chill and lax with these guys, but now I’m starting to have some second thoughts,” said the junior from North Carolina. “I mean, at first, I would just look the other way when I saw a couple of the Fitz 1 rascals with beers in their little hands. That was fine. I didn’t say anything. One keg in a forced triple? Fine, don’t let it happen again, you crazy kids. I was even cool with finding strippers and cocaine in Fitz 104.”
“But I think I might’ve gone too far. Now I’m afraid they’ll only think of me as a chill, fratty guy instead of an authoritative figure that serves as a role model and someone to keep them safe.” Fitz 1 has already sent seven residents to Saint E’s so far, with no signs of slowing down.
“Ben’s a really cool RA, all of us here really love him,” said freshman Chad Flowers. “Every time we see him we all gather around him, lift him up on our shoulders, and chant ‘COOL R-A! COOL R-A!’ He totally loves it. What a fucking bro!”
Novak makes a point of leaving his door wide open, and enjoys popping out of his room yelling “Trap door spider!” and bear-hugging any residents who happen to be walking by. “It’s just a fun, little game for the guys,” said Novak, who exclusively eats yogurt for breakfast. It’s not all fun and games on Fitz 1 anymore, with the RD reportedly instructing Novak to separate work and play.
“I just want to tone it down a little while still showing the gang that I know how to have fun and that I was once a freshman too, but like, ages ago,” said Novak with a light chuckle.
However, Novak’s request for Fitz 1 to “just try to tone it down a little, or don’t” hasn’t yielded particularly strong results thus far. In fact, emergency trips to Saint Elizabeth’s have actually gone up since Novak’s announcement.
“It’s quite a little predicament I’ve found myself in here,” Novak said, chuckling from underneath his hand-sewn quilt. “Because I’m like a cool, fun uncle to these kids, and I can’t let them down – not now, not ever. But at the same time, my job is on the line here. But if I can’t do things my way around here, I don’t want to do them at all.”
Novak was last seen sleeping in his pre-owned 2003 Honda Accord parked on CoRo.