Here at Boston College, freshmen housing random assigned by computers can have serious implications on your social life! Let us breakdown what your housing placement means:
Congratulations! If you are part of the 60% of the freshmen class that was selected to live on Boston College’s actual campus and not some law school, satellite bullshit that involves a bus and a shitty iPhone app. Those who live on Upper often refer to each other as “God’s chosen people,” and the rest of the school treats them as such. Do not be surprised when numerous upperclassmen shower you with golden presents and fine-smelling perfumes at all hours of the day. It is also not uncommon for all students of Upper Campus to meet outside on the grass on the first day of spring and hold hands and sing The Beatles’ “Here Comes The Sun” in unison. Numerous students reported seeing the ghost of John Lennon appear in the middle of the circle last year.
The 40% of the freshmen class who are placed on Newton “hath committed many sins against The Lord,” according to Fr. Bill Leahy. Traditionally, racists, people with record players, and slut-shaming fuckboys are placed on Newton for their transgressions against Our Lord and Savior Most High. Newtonites often gather in the woods outside of their dorms and light bonfires while worshipping Satan, for he is strong and powerful and the True Savior of the world. Oh, yes. This blood tastes so sweet and delicious. Thank you, Satan, for this blood. You are good. Anyway, where were we? Newton isn’t without its perks: Because it shares a campus with Boston College Law School, freshmen can see the bleak future that awaits them in the real world: dead-eyed twenty-somethings buried in their own sadness and student loans.
Given to people who love masturbating. Everyone with a single hacked into the ResLife roommate questionnaire and asked themselves the question “How much do you love masturbating?” and answered with “So much, more than my own family.”
Doubles are home to a pretty traditional college experience. But, here’s a little-known BC fact the tour guides don’t want you to know: 72% of freshmen year roommates get married – usually in Hawaii.
There’s a rumor that students who were admitted on the waiting list are given forced triples. However, the truth is that Boston College’s president, Fr. Bill “The Traveling Circus” Leahy, hand-selects each freshmen that is placed in a forced triple. If Fr. Leahy doesn’t like someone’s name or hometown, he or she is immediately placed in forced triple. Most Bretts and Samanthas get forced triples.
Natural triples are beautiful, spacious, and rare. Freshmen in natural triples have the distinct pleasure of getting along with one roommate very well and absolutely hating the other one. This happens every single time.
True fact #1: Quads are given to freshmen males only. Freshmen females were given quads until 2007, when Katie, Sarah, Jessica, and Lily lived in a quad and things got ugly. Jessica’s family had a tailgating spot in the Edmonds lot, but Katie’s family had a tailgating spot on Shea. Katie made a lot more friends than Jessica, and Jessica got jealous and stole Katie’s Lululemon leggings from the dryer and put them in Sarah’s drawer. Katie punched Sarah in the face, and Sarah punched Jessica straight on her nose, which broke upon impact. Luckily, Lily’s dad was a plastic surgeon and fixed Jessica’s nose right up. Lily and Jessica became besties, and Sarah and Katie still hated each other. But then Lily got with Jessica’s man in Mod 35A, so Jessica put a bottle of tequila and some dry weed on Lily’s bed and invited the RA in the room. All four of the girls transferred from Boston College after just one semester.
True fact #2: No one has ever had sex in a quad.
Don’t act surprised when seniors come back to Medieros and challenge you to an honors drinking game that involves quoting Hobbes from memory, writing a fifteen-page paper on the Socratic method, and debating whether Aristotle’s or Plato’s ass looked better in a toga.
Girls may be initially bummed that they received the all-girls dorm, but they will be happy to learn that Kostka is actually the only sorority house on campus! Home to the Kappa Omega Sigma Tau Kappa Alpha girls, Kostka is also the only dorm without RAs. Instead, Kostka has “Bigs,” just like any traditional sorority. The inside of Kostka is adorned with chandeliers and fluffy carpets, and mimosas and brunch are always available upon request. IMPORTANT: Kostka residents are required to Instagram cute pics before going out at least twice a month.