BC Bubble Boy Contracts Flesh Eating Bacteria On The Green Line
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — One Boston College sophomore remains in critical condition today after contracting a deadly strain of bacteria on the B Line this past weekend.
The student, identified only as “Ben,” was reportedly just “trying to see what’s off campus” and “break the BC bubble” when he came into contact with a microorganism that has since infected his entire body with necrotizing fasciitis.
These deadly organisms are extremely common outside the half mile radius that surrounds the Chestnut Hill campus, causing most students to take preventative measures by isolating themselves from the wider community for the entirety of their college years.
What began as an innocent trip to see a movie at the Coolidge Corner Theater and maybe get some homework done at Tatte in Brookline quickly turned deadly for the youth, whose immune system had not been exposed to the pathogens that are native to the Greater Boston area since arriving at Boston College over a year ago.
“I tried to tell him,” his friend Amy Petterson (CSOM ‘20) tearfully reported. “It’s not safe out there! That’s why we only go to parties in shitty, overcrowded dorms and take an Uber when we need to go grocery shopping!”
She continued, “I’ve heard Cityside is sometimes okay, but I prefer to play it safe when it comes to things like this.”
“I wholeheartedly regret my actions,” Ben said in a statement to the press. Choking back tears, he bravely continued, “Students at BC have long known that Boston neighborhoods harbor hostile bacteria. This why the only dates we go on are to White Mountain and why we order pizza from Pino’s and Domino’s to be delivered straight to our doors. I just hope that other students will learn from my mistake.”
At press time, Ben was seen peeking nervously at the scenery outside his hospital window, pondering why the sidewalks are so dirty and where Washington Street might lead.
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