The New England Classic
Mary Ann’s Reopens As Mary Jane’s

It is a disgrace, according to Tokin, that the only bar in the entire city of Boston is being replaced by another dispensary, and that harmless alcoholic drinks are being replaced by a dangerous, illegal substance.

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Uncategorized January 14, 2019

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Addazio Left Home Alone, May Miss First Responder Bowl
YAWKEY ATHLETICS CENTER — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss this Wednesday’s matchup against Boise State at the First Responder Bowl in Dallas after being left home alone by the team. The head coach’s absence from the team comes at “a very unfortunate time” for the... Read more
Local Satire Paper Officially Out Of Ideas
CARNEY HALL — According to recent insider reports, Boston College’s only satire publication, The New England Classic, has officially run out of ideas. This revelation comes after an 11-year string of news stories, sketch videos, and football coach video games which some are calling “questionable work, at best.” Yesterday, an... Read more
Aging Sophomore Can’t Drink Like She Used To
90 SAINT THOMAS MORE RD. — In a groggy haze, Sarah Flaunder (MCAS ‘21) came to the harrowing realization last Saturday that she can’t handle as much alcohol as she could  “back in her youth.” Between gulps of Gatorade, the 19-year-old reported that she had an “uncomfortable mix” of... Read more
CAB Holding Auditions For O’Neill Plaza Christmas Tree

This year’s contenders include Bjorn, a Norway spruce; Elrik, a Douglas fir; Gustav, a Lodgepole pine; and Alex (CSOM ‘19), a marketing major.

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Addazio Still Not Excused from Thanksgiving Dinner Table, May Miss Syracuse Game
THE ADDAZIO RESIDENCE – Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss the team’s matchup against Syracuse after it was reported early Saturday morning that Addazio had still yet to be excused from Thursday’s Thanksgiving dinner table after refusing to eat the vegetables on his plate. While other... Read more
Setting the World Aflame? This Abroad Student Just Set a Bar on Fire
PARMA, ITALY — A Boston College student studying abroad at the University of Parma is being held in police custody after setting an entire bar on fire. Police reports indicate that the student, Candace Whiteshire (CSOM ‘20), smoked an entire pack of cigarettes before accidentally dropping a still-burning dart... Read more
Student Tour Guide Also Walks Backwards To Class
GASSON QUAD — A number of Boston College students reported feelings of bewilderment Monday morning  when Student Admission Program tour guide Devon Lin (MCAS ‘19) was seen walking backwards to class. “It was crazy,” said eyewitness sophomore Stewart Dent. “He traversed the entire campus without even looking behind him.... Read more
Student Mistakes Excessive Laptop Stickers For Having A Personality
MCGUINN HALL — On Thursday, the Boston College Psychology Department released a study which concluded that there is a direct correlation between the number of stickers on a person’s laptop and the perception of the stickers as a part of his or her identity. After placing a collection of... Read more