Eddie Pess (CSOM ’25) reached out to the Classic to talk about his anxieties and to broadcast his plea to the rest of the student body: “Oh gosh, guys. I sure hope nobody fucks my mom.”
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Local Inventor Excited About Patents Weekend Hot
Campus CultureStudent Life September 27, 2022
“I could’ve sworn I heard it was Patents Weekend. I thought it would be a good networking opportunity to put my name on a larger, global map,” Gadget confessed. “Now I have all of my thingamabobs and whos-its with me for nothing.”
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ICYMI: Kyle Leads 3-Hour Game Of ISpy Hot
Campus CultureStudent LifeWTF September 26, 2022
Kyle began, binoculars in hand: “I spy with my little eye… something green!” obviously referring to the t-shirt of someone in the 3rd row.
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EXCLUSIVE: Kyle’s Leaked Setlist For Stokes Set Hot
WTF September 24, 2022
The investigative journalists at The New England Classic have obtained Kyle’s setlist for Stokes Set.
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Phil Jurkovec Spotted At Business Career Fair Hot
SportsStudent Life September 23, 2022
After witnessing several muffed handoffs and fumbles of his resume, the Classic was able to obtain a copy. The resume included several of Jurkovec’s biggest accomplishments including his former attendance of Notre Dame, graduating high school, and duping a whole fan base into believing he was the next Matt Ryan (MCAS ’08).
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BC Dining Combats Ingredient Inflation, Introduces Lettuce Sandwich
Student Life September 21, 2022
Down 3%, lettuce has proven to be a Northern Star in the world of rampant price increases. With that news, BCDS decided to put the new Lettuce Sandwich on their daily menu and sell it for just $8.99!
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Pre-Law Student Accused Of Doctoring Roommate Agreement
Dorm StuffStudent Life September 19, 2022
“I’m just an easy target because I’m a pre-law student with more ambition than the average person. Even if I did know something, I wouldn’t tell The New England Classic. I’d go to a real paper on campus like [redacted]. Did I mention that I’m double-majoring in political science and economics with a minor in communication?”
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Students Die Of Laughter After Classmate Wears ‘BC Dad’ Shirt At Tailgate
Campus CultureSports September 18, 2022
Ina Vator (CSON ’24), sent shockwaves through the Mod Lot during this weekend’s tailgates by premiering her most avant-garde, commentorial outfit to date. What could this outfit possibly be, you ask? Vator’s renaissance of fashion and comedy was brought about by her shirt: a maroon ‘Boston College Dad’ shirt, artfully crafted into a tube top that looks like it could fall off at any second.
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Football Team Expected To Win All Remaining Games After Hafley Announces “No More Mister Nice Guy”
Sports September 17, 2022
In reports coming in from all across the nation, opposing coaches are literally shivering their timbers, nervously biting their nails back and forth like a typewriter, and losing all bodily fluids at the thought of having to face Hafley and the Eagles. Sports analysts are now scrambling to re-rank all teams nationwide, and many projections now have BC ranked as number one in the country.
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Kyle Backs Out Of Stokes Set And Is Replaced By Father John Misty, Angering BC Jesuits
Campus CultureJesuits September 16, 2022
With song titles like “Fun Times in Babylon,” “God’s Favorite Customer,” and “Holy Shit,” it is easy to see how Administration was fooled, though a quick Google search would have shown that Misty has a history of openly criticizing Christianity. Fr. Leahy added, “When I looked him up on the computer, I started crying.”
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