Blimey! Exchange Student From Liverpool Buzzin’ For Fr. Jack’s “Coronation” Hot
AbroadButlerCampus Culture October 15, 2026
“I know it’s a wee silly for a Liverpool bloke like me to love all this royalty shit, but me mums and I just love following the royal family. To be honest, all this coronation buzz reminds me of home,” said Blynders.
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When The New England Classic asked Inez Fant (LSEHD ’27) about her decision to join the class, she excitedly reported that she, “could not wait to get working with her hands,” and that “the blue and green kinds are by far [her] favorite.” Fant failed to mention any of Plato’s actual writings, but did talk about using puppets, which is perhaps an allusion to “The Allegory of the Cave.”
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“It’s Actually Kind Of Underground…” WZBC Host Is Going To “Music City” For Fall Break
Campus CultureStudent Life October 9, 2026
The itinerary for Indy’s weekend includes trips to grassroot speakeasies featuring bluegrass acoustic girl bands, Dollywood, and a local brewery for pumpkin IPAs.
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Women’s Hockey Beats Stonehill 17-0, Men’s Hockey Gifted Lululemon Sweat Sets
Sports October 7, 2026
In the spirit of Title IX, the women’s team received three whole BC Dining pizzas, served as they are best consumed: lukewarm and two days old. To comment on the athletics department’s reaction to their success, The New England Classic interviewed women’s hockey manager Jenna Unenlypissed to gain some insight on the team’s reaction to their recognition. Unenlypissed shared that “The girls are pretty upset that the pizza wasn’t even warm, other than that we’re more Alo girls anyways.”
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When Mr. Bates’ superior told him that “single ladies love this event” and he should “only order roses,” Bates began to pick up on what was going on.
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BCPD Declares War On Fun
Campus CultureSports September 30, 2026
“Students are simply enjoying themselves too much,” said BCPD Chief Happ E. Nesshater, during a recent press conference. “That’s why we are announcing our War on Fun. It is important to the Jesuit values of this institution that all student tomfoolery, lollygagging, horsin’ around, monkey business, dilly-dallying, and shenanigans be crushed under the righteous boot of justice.”
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“Professor Midtitty says conditions may improve once BC Football ‘stops blowing, which, unfortunately, is not expected to occur in the near future.'”
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Inspired By Trump’s CNN Ban, BC Removes The New England Classic’s Press Pass
Big IssuesWTF September 28, 2026
Known as a world-renowned beacon of journalism, the silencing of The NEC raises alarm bells for free speech advocates and silly goofy girls alike. The ban echoes many of the Trump Administration’s talking points, namely the rejected BBL edit requests and refusal to self-censor hard-hitting journalism like, “Are Freshmen Getting Hotter? This Grad Student Thinks Yes!” and “Pro-Life Club Sponsors Baby Petting Zoo.”
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Jesus Turns Water Into Iced Brown Sugar Shaken Espresso For Espresso Your Faith Week
Campus CultureJesuits September 24, 2026
“I was pretty religious before, but when I saw that Jesus charged 70 cents extra for oatmilk, I started to rethink my faith altogether,” said Theo Logical (MCAS ‘28). “But, my flex dollars just ran out this morning, so safe to say my faith has been reaffirmed.”
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LEAKED! Ten Things BC Also Spends The Least On Besides Football
Big IssuesButlerLists September 23, 2026
“After tense deliberations across all factions of the school, Father Jack Butler has decided to release a comprehensive spending report to ‘counteract the initial shock of the Times’ blasphemous article.'”
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