The New England Classic
Meat-Eaters And Vegans Finally Agree: The Grateful Burger Sucks
CORCORAN COMMONS — In a shocking development late Sunday evening, vegans and carnivores alike found themselves united under a radical new idea: the Grateful Burger is fucking gross. The new addition to the Chestnut Hill Grill contains only 50% beef, with the other 50% being a mix of vegetables... Read more
Yoga Mat Thrilled To Spend Another Year Under Junior’s Bed
STAYER HALL — The large black yoga mat belonging to local junior Vivian Greene has finally made peace with the fact that it will be neglected and ignored for the entire 2018-2019 school year. Like many Boston College students, Greene recently declared a newfound commitment to exercise, but has... Read more
OPINION: BC Football May Be Ranked, But They’ll Never Be Better Than The 1986 New York Mets
By  Michael Prisciantelli (Class of  1982) Superfans of all shapes, sizes, and median annual incomes were given reason to rejoice this weekend as Boston College was ranked one of the nation’s top 25 college football teams for the first time since 2008. After 10 long years, the Eagles will... Read more
Coach Addazio Takes 11 Tries To Tie Shoes, Accidentally Kneels For National Anthem
WINSTON SALEM, NORTH CAROLINA — Football fans were outraged this Thursday as head coach of Boston College’s program Steve Addazio appeared to kneel for the National Anthem, joining Colin Kaepernick and other NFL players in silent protest of America’s institutional racism. However, this incident was reportedly not a statement... Read more
AJ Dillon Hired To Break Up Cheesesteak Line
LOWER LIVE — After weeks of intense pressure from student groups and BC Dining staff, Boston College has reportedly settled on a solution for battling the increasingly long lines at Corcoran Commons. “Basically, we’re just gonna have AJ pound the shit out of each line about halfway down, and... Read more
Dishes Slowly Gathering In Sink Eager To Destroy Peaceful 8-Man
VANDERSLICE HALL — Peering over the sink with satisfaction, a growing stack of unwashed dishes reportedly can’t wait to ruin the peace in its otherwise tranquil 8-person suite. “I know Katie and Sara are getting along now,” said Sticky Coffee Mug (Dirty Since 08/28). “But just wait till they’re... Read more
9/11 Moved To October 26th To Accommodate Red Bandana Game
ST. MARY’S HALL — Despite widespread criticism from students, faculty, and alumni, Boston College went forward on Monday with its decision to change the date of 9/11 to October 26th, the date of the annual “Red Bandana” football game. The “Red Bandana” game, which celebrates the heroic actions of... Read more
Addazio Misses Full Week Of Practice After Rewatching UMass Highlights For Past 120 Hours
ALUMNI STADIUM — It was reported early Friday morning that Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio missed five consecutive practices this week after locking himself in his office and watching the official highlight tape of last Saturday’s Boston College-UMass game – in which BC annihilated its opponent 55-21... Read more
BC Alternative Senior Fives
Tradition is everything here at Boston College. From our beloved Jesuit values to our fan-favorite football chants (Hoo-Hah!), blindly doing things just because someone has done it before is both fun and easy. Of all these traditions, one of the most popular happens to be the annual “Senior Five”... Read more
Inbred Piece Of Human Garbage Wears White After Labor Day
GASSON QUAD — Tommy Michelson (MCAS ’19) was spotted lounging on the Gasson Quad with his roommates today sporting a pair of white Vineyard Vines shorts. Does that dumb bitch not know that yesterday was Labor Day? Michelson, usually a perfectly presentable dresser, seemed blissfully ignorant of his fashion... Read more