The New England Classic
Stokes Set: How Bryce Vine Lost His Way
UNKNOWN LOCATION—It’s finally here. The day of Stokes Set, the first since the 2019-2020 academic year. Our esteemed CAB has sorted through and selected only the best, most qualified artist to perform to the masses of Eagles—the guy they hired for Plexapalooza before it got canceled. Bryce Vine will... Read more
“Send Stokes Set,” Pleads CAB Anonymously

CAB spokesperson Kyle Crab (MCAS ’23) responded to the allegations via Instagram story. “We take this sort of allegation very seriously,” wrote Crab of CAB. “With that being said, we’d love to see a lot of heads come out to Stokes Set this weekend so that we can justify not only our exorbitant operating budget but also our outright existence as an organization.”

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Weirdo Gets Power Trip From Pressing Walsh Elevator Buttons
Walsh Hall— Last Friday night, during the peak hours of elevator usage in Walsh Hall, many students reported that a sick, sick man was standing in the elevator asking people what floor they were getting off on. At first it seemed the man was just being polite, but when... Read more
Father Leahy Becomes A Whale, Changes Tuition To Krill

Dwight Jesse (MCAS ’25), one of the students designing the pool, offered some valuable insight: “He really turned himself into a whale. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen.”

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Professor Asks “Just The Ugly Kids” To Mask Up In Class

Students expressed widespread indignation Monday when Prof. Patrick Lanzoni requested “just the ugly kids” in his Globalization I class wear masks. The announcement came after Lanzoni lamented seeing “atrocious acne” and “a severe lack of smokeshows” for 2 weeks.

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Weary Sophomores Defend Roncastle From Hordes Of Freshmen

A righteous group of sophomores, who just months ago found themselves on the rear end of the housing process, fashioned what weaponry they could to protect their dear fortress. Once the freshmen fired their first rock, an all-night war of bloodlust broke out.

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Eager Pre-Med Performs Rigatoni Tracheotomy On Choking Friend

“Yeah, I’ve wanted to be a surgeon since before Grey’s Anatomy made it popular, so I spend most of my free time studying various procedures on YouTube,” said Call.

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Lynch To Add ‘CoComelon’ Studies To List Of Majors
CAMPION HALL — Students in the Lynch School of Education were shocked to see a giant anthropomorphized watermelon blocking the entrance to Campion Hall as classes resumed this week.  With the fall semester now underway, the LSOE administration has announced the addition of “CoComelon Studies” to its list of... Read more
CAUTION: Article Under Construction

Yeah, how about you make something funny then, Jesus. All you ever do is take some idea you heard from someone else and then pass it along down the chain claiming it as your own. 

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Jack Dunn Excitedly Preparing For “Spotlight 2”

In just three minutes, Ruffalo had successfully convinced Dunn to reprise his breakout role, once again portraying a slightly fictionalized version of himself in Spotlight: The Squeakquel.

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