The New England Classic
TRAGIC: Roommate May Have Voted Libertarian

“See?” explained Harris, donning a blue “I’m Still With Her” baseball cap and adjusting a framed “Kennedy/Johnson” poster. “These are real positions, worthwhile opinions. It’s so hard to see out-of-date, ridiculous views like hers making headlines.”

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OIP Announces New External Program With Galactic Federation

“Not once in four millennia have we encountered a species whose diet consists entirely of carbohydrates and fermented grains, and yet is capable of such emotional overstimulation.”

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Opinion: Strip Mod Must Go On, Even If It’s a Private Little Show Just For Me
Throughout the fall semester, far too many beloved Boston College traditions have been postponed, doomed to rot on the shelf until further notice. But if I could make a plea to ensure one tradition continues this semester, it would be this: Strip Mod must go on, even if it’s... Read more
Student Who Moved Home Just Now Realizing His Parents Got Divorced
WESTCHESTER COUNTY, N.Y. — Two full weeks after returning home for the semester, junior  Dan Nulment (CSOM ’22) has just now begun to realize that his parents may have ended their marriage at some point in the past three months.  “When my mom told me that Dad was ‘quarantining... Read more
The Stress Of The Season: My Dentist Took Like 9 Ritalins And Removed All Of My Teeth

Dr. Lee did not seem particularly remorseful. In fact, she seemed kind of impressed with her own work.

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Getting Festive: CAB Announces They Have Hidden A Bomb

“If the bomb is found and deactivated successfully, the student responsible will win a free personal training session at the Plex, along with a $20 Flat Breads gift card. If the device is not found, the scale of destruction could be incomprehensible. “

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Wait, Did I Miss Stokes Set?

“I heard it was going to be Becky G!!”

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CSOM Announces New “Pay-For-Grade” Initiative
THE BEAN COUNTER — Small men in suits with shoulders that extend just a little too far for the men to fill out mill about, lounging. Another sect of students is adorned in Vineyard Vines, docksiders, and an array of business casual shorts in all manner of pastels. They... Read more
“Can Someone Call the Uber?,” Asks Friend Who Never Calls the Uber
VANDERSLICE PARKING LOT — Before departing to enjoy a dinner out with her friends at Tavern in the Square, junior Alex Solomon (CSOM ’22) was heard asking if someone could “call the Uber” to the local Brighton restaurant, despite several reports from her friends that Solomon has not once... Read more
Computer Science Department Hires Actual Python To Teach Classes
Amid a chronic shortage of professors in the computer science department at BC, CS majors finally have a reason to rejoice: the department now has an actual living python as a faculty member to teach introductory classes on Python! No one is quite sure about where the python came... Read more