The New England Classic
Troy Bolton? Fowler Forced To Choose Between Love For Tap Dancing And Hockey

“I’m petrified,” said Jacob Fowler (CSOM ‘27) “People know me for who I am on the ice, but I feel most myself on the stage…The rhythm of my shoes clicking and clacking as I hop and prance, it’s the most electric feeling.”

Read more
Slimers Stuns at Green Careers Night

“In a shock to all, Slimer, the Mean Green Ghost from Ghostbusters, slithered into Gasson 100 to stun the Green employers and alumni.”

Read more
LTE From The Moon Club President

Everyone won’t shut up about summer and tanning and blah blah blah. Who fucking cares! Get some sun on the quad on a different day, I just want to get high in the afternoon and watch that shit cover the sun. Stay pale, I literally dare you. 

Read more
Barrel of Oil To Replace Baldwin As BC Mascot
ST. EXXON CHAPEL– BC University Spokesman Jack Dunn issued a statement on Friday announcing the historic mascot change: Baldwin the Eagle will be replaced with Barry the Oil Barrel, with the university rebranding their students’ moniker from the well-known “Eagles” to the new and more provocative “Barrels.” “We hope... Read more
Leahy Announces Complete Deforestation Of Newton Woods To Prevent Lame Parties

Ax observed the tree’s inability to photosynthesize following second hand Mango Crave exposure, along with root rot from pure cringe. “You don’t need to be a scientist to know that hearing Doses and Mimosas every weekend isn’t good for ecological sustainability.”    

Read more
BC Raises Cost Of Attendance  To 88k, Fifty Cattle, Pound Of  Gold, Firstborn Son

“‘Bounties that must be paid to the University starting next year include fifty of a student’s finest cows, one pound of pure gold, the hearts of four Boston University students, the deed to a Cape Cod beach house, a left kidney, and a one-page supplemental essay assuring Father Leahy that he is doing a great job'”

Read more
Will Smith’s Hat-trick Attributed To Teammate Ambrosio’s Hat Tricks

The Classic was deeply touched to learn that the reasoning behind the Eagle’s win was admiration for a hat enthusiast’s magic tricks and not the multiple first-round draft picks BC has on its roster.

Read more
Thank God! My Acapella Roommate Is On Vocal Rest This Weekend

You heard that right, vocal rest. A whole day prior to their performance where every team member must protect their vocal chords by shutting the fuck up!

Read more
Professors Replaced By Kiosks

“‘We thought it might be best to start rolling out our kiosk professors in the most straightforward discipline. Things like finance might be too difficult for a robot to explain, but things like the meaning of life, or the existence of God, felt like the right alley to try this out,’ noted representatives from the administration.”

Read more
LTE: I’m T-pain, You Know Me–T-Pain Wrote This Article

I’m T-Pain, you know me! What’s your name? Let me talk to ‘em! 

Read more