The New England Classic
New Study Finds 32% of Freshmen Lose Virginity While Wearing Agape Latte Shirt

Boston College Sex Freshmen

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Mod Grills Migrate South For Winter
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — In one of the region’s most celebrated natural phenomena, Boston College’s native genus of outdoor cooking apparatus took to the skies on Monday morning, beginning their annual exodus to the sun-drenched concrete of Florida State University. Having come to the end of their three-month tailgating... Read more
Addazio Accepts Coaching Job At FSU, May Miss FSU Game
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — In the wake of Florida State University head football coach Willie Taggert’s firing last week, speculation has swirled about who the program will bring in to replace him. The New England Classic can now confidently report that current Boston College head football coach, Steve Addazio,... Read more
Academic Advising: “UIS Had Darkmode First”
STOKES S140 — After learning few weeks too late that “dark mode” is now a popular smartphone feature, head of the Academic Advising, John Dunderhead, MCAS ’82, officially scrapped all plans to revamp UIS. Rumors of converting UIS into a more user-friendly platform have been heard around campus, but... Read more
Junior Canonized After Rising From The Dead At Pregame
FOSTER STREET – Pope Francis announced Monday that Mike McMackey (CSOM ‘21) will be officially canonized as a Catholic saint. The Boston College junior performed his third miracle this weekend when he resurrected himself from the dead in the basement of 295 Foster Street.  The 20-year-old grandson of four... Read more
Addazio Seen In Tears After Being Confused For Man In Mr. Potato Head Costume
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio was reportedly seen crying late Saturday night outside the Yawkey Athletic Center after a mistaken passerby complimented the head coach on his “spot-on Mr. Potato Head costume,” despite the fact he was not wearing one. “I can’t believe... Read more
Spooky! I Don’t Remember What I Said In My Last Snap
For more spooky, bone-chilling satire, look out for our print issue. Coming to a library near you, December 2019! Read more
Spooky! Jake Celebrating Halloween By Ghosting You
UNKNOWN LOCATION — Despite your Snapchat streak, double texts, and dinner dates at Lower over the past month, Jake Miller (CSOM ’21) has reportedly decided to embrace the Halloween spirit this year by ghosting you.  While most celebrate the holiday by carving pumpkins, dressing up, and watching horror movies,... Read more
Spooky! The CAB Hypnotist Converted This Junior To Judaism
O’CONNELL HOUSE — A Campus Activities Board event gained a little more chutzpah Tuesday when hypnotist Chris Jones converted a student to Judaism. Halfway through the show, Jones called Matthew Doyle (CSOM ‘21, BC High ‘17) up to the stage to be hypnotized. According to eyewitness reports, Jones pulled... Read more
Spooky! My Girlfriend Must Be A Vampire Because She Keeps Leaving Bite Marks On My Roommate’s Neck
Halloween has always been a time of year filled with spooks, scares and surprises, but none have ever been quite as startling as this: my girlfriend of two years is a vampire.  I know it sounds strange, but there’s no other explanation. My suspicions started about a month ago... Read more