The New England Classic
NFL Football Fans Sport Cute Little Costumes
WALSH HALL — With the fall semester underway at Boston College and no social events for the foreseeable future, Eagles on campus remain anxious about what the upcoming months will look like. Despite so much uncertainty, some hope was restored among much of the student body earlier this month... Read more
Records Reveal Boston College Has Paid $0 In Income Tax For 150 Years
LINDEN LANE — Owing to an anonymous source, The Classic has obtained Boston College’s tax records dating back to the early 1870s, giving the clearest picture of the University’s finances to date and revealing centuries of chronic tax evasion and seemingly complete impunity from the United States’ tax code.... Read more
Cardboard Cutouts File Out Of Alumni At Halftime

“If I can contribute to the team by giving them the familiar sense of an empty stadium at halftime, regardless of the score, just so we can all go home and do literally nothing, well I’m happy to do it.”

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OPINION: I’m A Water Fountain. Why Don’t You Want To Touch Me Anymore?
You’ve passed me hundreds of times, and you’ve touched me more than I can count. I would be lying if I said I didn’t always crave those brief moments of contact between us, your lips close to mine, my fluid draining into your thirsty mouth. Our encounters weren’t always... Read more
BC Defends Testing Inaccuracies: “We Were Grading On A Curve”
SAINT MARY’S HALL — In response to recent charges of negligence and misreporting, Boston College representatives have released statements defending its testing strategy. “Look, this is college, right?” reported University Spokesperson, Jack Dunn, “And what do you do in college? Anyone? Okay fine, I’ll tell you: you grade on... Read more
7% Tuition Increase Used to Give CSOM Students Special Snacks

“With enough preparation, they should be able eat like grown-ups by the time they make it to the break room at Goldman Sachs.”

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Joy Moore Releases New Statement Blaming You, Specifically

“There’s one person at fault here. It’s not me, it’s not the administration, it’s just one person,” she told us, referring to You.

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Top Ten Campus Spots To Cover Your Little Head And Submit To The Infinite Sadness
Wondering where you can just let the waterworks flow at Boston College? Are you a first-year student who has yet to burst into tears in public? Are you a returning Eagle in need of a new sob spot? Does the crushing weight of your inherited, generational misery weigh upon... Read more
University Welcomes “Most Diverse Class Ever” With White Guy From New Jersey

“Look, his mumbling is bad enough as it is,” noted Rosalita Clemens (MCAS ‘24). “But on a Zoom call, with all of CLXF trying to blast “Born In The USA” at the same time, the poor dude didn’t have a chance.”

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What The Fuck: Molly On Campus Without Mask

The Classic tried to reach Molly’s owner’s wife for comment, but we were unable to make contact.

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