The New England Classic
Addazio Fired, May Miss Bowl Game
ALUMNI STADIUM — It was reported late Sunday evening that Steve Addazio was dismissed from his position as head coach of the Boston College football team, and, as a result, may miss the team’s bowl game against a to-be-determined opponent later this December. The news comes less than twenty-four... Read more
LTE: Kaylee Brought Her Shitty New Boyfriend To Friendsgiving And He Sucks
After a long three months, I finally got a break to rest up at home before finals. It’s time to kick back, relax, and, apparently, listen to Kaylee’s shitty boyfriend talk about his dumbass idea for a startup.  “They’ve only been dating for a month,” my friend Hannah told... Read more
Tornado Slams Into Carney, Causes $10 Million Worth Of Improvements
CARNEY HALL – This year’s unseasonable weather took another unexpected turn on Saturday as a tornado touched down on campus, curiously targeting only Carney Hall. However, the value of the land actually increased despite the fact that the entire structure was destroyed. This orphanage of arts and sciences bastard... Read more
Fucking Idiot Who Didn’t Lock The Door To The One-Person Bathroom Deserved To Be Walked In On
O’NEILL LIBRARY — Following a drawn-out investigation, the Boston College Board of Student Conduct deemed that Jared O’Ryan (CSOM ’23) deserved to be walked in on after neglecting to lock the door to the one-person bathroom in O’Neill Library. O’Ryan, no longer a “newbie” on campus having been here... Read more
Student Services: “Pee After Registration Or You’ll Get A UIS”
For more tips and tricks, read our print issue this December. Read more
New Study Finds 32% of Freshmen Lose Virginity While Wearing Agape Latte Shirt

Boston College Sex Freshmen

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Mod Grills Migrate South For Winter
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — In one of the region’s most celebrated natural phenomena, Boston College’s native genus of outdoor cooking apparatus took to the skies on Monday morning, beginning their annual exodus to the sun-drenched concrete of Florida State University. Having come to the end of their three-month tailgating... Read more
Addazio Accepts Coaching Job At FSU, May Miss FSU Game
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — In the wake of Florida State University head football coach Willie Taggert’s firing last week, speculation has swirled about who the program will bring in to replace him. The New England Classic can now confidently report that current Boston College head football coach, Steve Addazio,... Read more
Academic Advising: “UIS Had Darkmode First”
STOKES S140 — After learning few weeks too late that “dark mode” is now a popular smartphone feature, head of the Academic Advising, John Dunderhead, MCAS ’82, officially scrapped all plans to revamp UIS. Rumors of converting UIS into a more user-friendly platform have been heard around campus, but... Read more
Junior Canonized After Rising From The Dead At Pregame
FOSTER STREET – Pope Francis announced Monday that Mike McMackey (CSOM ‘21) will be officially canonized as a Catholic saint. The Boston College junior performed his third miracle this weekend when he resurrected himself from the dead in the basement of 295 Foster Street.  The 20-year-old grandson of four... Read more