The New England Classic
Newton Plague Survivors Debate Whether It’s Safe To Leave Their Bunker
NEWTON CAMPUS — In the basement of Keyes South, seven plague survivors have barricaded themselves in the basement study lounge for the past nine days. In an interview conducted via hushed FaceTime call, one of the students, Sophie Kelly (CSOM ’22), admitted that she and her companion are getting... Read more
RUDE: Bus Driver Takes Three-Minute Break Knowing Full Well This Guy’s Class Started 20 Minutes Ago
MAIN GATE —On Tuesday, an Eagle Direct bus driver treated himself to three-minutes of personal privilege, despite being fully aware that a student, waiting to board the bus, Meninges B. Tinglin (MCAS ‘22), was already twenty minutes late to his 10:00 AM macroeconomics lecture. As a result of the... Read more
Tailgating Parents Totally Unaware That Lilly Is Blacked Out
MOD LOT — Staggering around her roommate’s friend’s tailgate, Lilly Carter (MCAS ’22) reported that game days were her favorite because “none of these parents can even tell I’m shithoused!” An avid football fan, Carter woke up at 8:30 AM to start ripping shots of vodka and sipping spiked... Read more
Freshman Gets Sinking Feeling He’s Only Friend Of Utility
NEWTON CAMPUS — After hanging out with his roommate throughout every Welcome Week activity, Steven Palmer (MCAS ‘22) has reportedly become worried that their relationship is more mutually-beneficial than he originally imagined. “We just clicked at first, you know? We talked about our lives before BC, and found out... Read more
REPORT: Mom Just Didn’t Think You Were The “Weed-Smoking” Type
CHEVERUS HALL — Following an investigation of your underwear drawer and a tight-lipped discussion with Dad, a report published on Friday indicates that Mom just didn’t think you were the “weed-smoking type.” While settling in for their Parents’ Weekend visit, Mom reportedly opened your bureau to make sure you’d... Read more
Club Eager To Reject Kids They Just Recruited At Involvement Fair
MIDDLE CAMPUS — Hundreds of student organizations took to Stokes Lawn on Friday, eager to recruit  hordes of freshmen whose ambitions they could crush. The lineup included dance groups like Sexual Chocolate, service organizations such as 4Boston, and leadership clubs like the Rookie Leadership Program (RLP). Sarah Sivian, RLP... Read more
OL Under Impression He’s “The Hot One”
THOMAS MORE APARTMENTS — Adjusting his gold-plated name tag from his reflection in the Robsham window, orientation leader Brayden McPatrick confirmed his self-appointed place in the OL hierarchy. “From the very beginning of training, the First Year Experience staff emphasized that we were selected to represent the BC community... Read more
Freshman Perspectives Class Rescued From Plato’s Cave
CHESTNUT HILL — Late Thursday evening, Boston College officials announced that members of Professor Stephen Brown’s Perspectives class were finally rescued from Plato’s Cave, where they had been trapped since the middle of fall semester. The then-freshmen became stuck in the cave in early November 2017, when the class began... Read more
Low On Meal Plan, Freshmen Experience First Shocking Taste of Poverty
MCELROY COMMONS — The walls of Carney Dining Hall, once echoing with carefree laughter and the joyous symphony of Upper residents enjoying lukewarm food, took a somber tone this past weekend as many students were forced to confront the reality of their economic standing in the mandatory meal plan.... Read more
Freshman Girl’s Shoulders Fall Victim To Lustful Gaze Of St. Ignatius Statue
OUTSIDE – In an effort to enjoy the long-awaited sunny day on the Heights, Heather Lewdowski (CSON ’21) perched herself on the base of the St. Ignatius statue on Monday afternoon, hoping to catch up on homework she neglected over the weekend and soak up some rays with classmates.... Read more