The New England Classic
Unlike The Circle Bouncer, Mom Won’t Let You Drink EVEN If You Slip Her A $20

How could this be? You’re 18 (literally an adult), and you are in college. No way your uptight parents aren’t going to let you get sloppy drunk on the best holiday of the year. 

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Freshman Who Read “Allegory Of The Cave” Insistent That He Is Too Old For Kids Table

He truly understands now that sometimes punching your friends in the balls as a joke is unjust, even if they deserve it.

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Spooky! Your Roommate Is Dating Her Orientation Leader

“Kenny had an interesting approach, for sure,” said Johnny Damon (MCAS ’28), also in Coogur’s orientation group. “In the icebreaker, Katie revealed that her favorite pizza topping is anchovies, and Kenny immediately responded by saying his favorite BC fun fact is that 69% of Eagles marry each other.”

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Freshman Submits First Paper In Comic Sans, Claiming It Adds Character

“Each font has a different story, and that’s, like, so cool. I just love the visual artistry of it all,” said Turner, who left her entire paper formatted in a single paragraph.

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Freshman Failing Lit Core Claims Taylor Swift’s “The Tortured Poets Department” Is “Literally Her”

‘Well, Travis obviously inspired a lot on the album. I feel the same inspiration for my Insta stories from my boyfriend, Noah. He was a second string quarterback in high school, so… we get it.’

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Uh Oh: Your Babygirl Hockey “Boyfriend” Is A Freshman

“‘STOP HE IS LITERALLY MY CUTIE PIE BOYFRIEND,’ interrupted a very angered Phile. ;Why won’t you let me be happy!'”

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Freshmen RA’s Now Offer A Goodnight Kiss To Homesick Residents

With the removal of all Covid restrictions on campus, the Residence Hall Association is delighted to announce that Resident Advisors will now offer goodnight kisses to all homesick students.

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Colorblind Student Disappointed With First New England Fall

“I don’t get it. The colors aren’t that different. They’re just like… muted? Sure, the trees are little bit grayer than normal. That’s cool, I guess. I just feel like I’m missing something.”

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Freshmen Protest Surging Uber Prices By Taking Ambulances Home From Clubs

“If you call 9-1-1 and tell them that someone is passed out and not breathing, they will literally send a car so fast, and it’s way bigger than an UberXL”

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“I’m Like Robin Williams In That One Movie,” Says Entirely Blue Professor

“I was fully prepared to hear ‘carpe diem’ on the first day,” Lostsole said. “I kept waiting for him to stand on the desk, but all he did was, lecture?”

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