The New England Classic
Freshmen Protest Surging Uber Prices By Taking Ambulances Home From Clubs

“If you call 9-1-1 and tell them that someone is passed out and not breathing, they will literally send a car so fast, and it’s way bigger than an UberXL”

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“I’m Like Robin Williams In That One Movie,” Says Entirely Blue Professor

“I was fully prepared to hear ‘carpe diem’ on the first day,” Lostsole said. “I kept waiting for him to stand on the desk, but all he did was, lecture?”

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Congratulations Class Of 2026! If We Make It That Far…

If we manage to escape the Western descent into fascism, the constant threat of nuclear war, the ever increasing threat of climate change, gerrymandering, Exxon Mobil, NFTs, shrimp in Cinnamon Toast Crunch, global pandemics, Don’t Look Up, Late Night in Lyons, and “Yummy” by Justin Bieber, you are going to do great things in your four (or less) years here.

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April Fools: You Were Never In The Eight-Man
UPPER CAMPUS – The nightmares of housing for rising sophomores finally came to a close this past week. Some ended up in eight mans, some in quads, and some unlucky ones even ended up in CoRo. However, for one student, the nightmare has only just begun. Lou Zehr (Lynch... Read more
Lessons Learned From Last Sunday’s Snowstorm

“What we found was that the aerodynamics of the coffin meant that the opposing forces of the snow didn’t allow for maximum kinetic energy on the acceleration of velocity so the resistance resulted in very little quarks,” remarked Freddy’s super smart friend, Philip Payne (MCAS ’25).

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Bert and Ernie Down the Hall Look Suspiciously Like Puppets

“Whenever I dap either of them up, they can never really get the hang of it. It’s like someone else is controlling their limbs.” Commented Oscar de Grouch (MCAS ’25) “Their hands are pretty small too, I thought it was just because they’re kinda short kings, but now I think otherwise.”

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Confused Freshman Begins Training For Marathon Monday

But one freshman, Brent Henry (MCAS ’25), is not in-the-know. He thinks that the Marathon Monday tradition involves all BC students actually running the Boston Marathon. Last week, he began training for it.

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Run! Philosophy Student Wants To Tell You What He’s Learned
STOKES NORTH — Freshman Franny Bacon (MCAS ’25) was found virtuously engaging in Socratic discourse with literally anyone who passed him yesterday afternoon. After a few weeks in Perspectives I, Bacon reports feeling “enlightened” and possessing a newfound sense of “metaphysical contemplation.” “It’s hard to believe that I’ve never... Read more
Dad Brings Girlfriend to Parents Weekend Instead of Mom

“I didn’t even know my parents had split up. I mean, I haven’t even been gone for a month,” bemoaned Dale, clearly bothered by the whole situation. “But I guess it explains him mentioning his ‘new flame’ and ‘adjustments’ at home when we’ve been on the phone – I just assumed he had started taking Viagra or something.”

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Freshman Unknowingly Brings Mom to “Freud 101”

“I obviously don’t have the hots for my mom. That would be so gross. I mean, she’s a beautiful lady. I’m not gonna deny it. And she does look really nice in those Banana Republic slacks she wore today, but that’s just me being observational.”

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