Freshmen Archives | The New England Classic

Newton Student Misses Carpool

Campus Culture Freshmen Newton February 11, 2021

“‘So sad. I simply could not imagine being dropped off for college by a yellow school bus. It’s just so embarrassing,’ said John Fitzgerald (CSON ‘24), who was later seen struggling to open the sliding door of his mom’s minivan.”

What The Fuck: Roommate Just Took The Lord’s Name In Vain

Freshmen Student Life WTF February 8, 2021

“I honestly couldn’t believe it,” said Arist. “I mean sure, I may have instigated it by calling him a fat-ass mistake of a human being, but like taking the Lord’s name in vain? That’s just too fucking far, man.”

Freshman Blissfully Unaware Her Weekends Probably Would Have Looked Like This Anyway

Coronavirus Freshmen October 23, 2020

“If there was no virus going around, me and the girls would be having the craziest weekend of all time.”

New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️

Campus Culture Freshmen School Sex Student Life October 8, 2020

STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more

Entire Dorm Chants “Kairos”, Public School Freshman Scared And Confused

Campus Culture Dorm Stuff Freshmen October 6, 2020

UPPER CAMPUS — Last Saturday night, hundreds of desperate freshmen swarmed Upper Campus in an attempt to meet fellow first-years. Once there, however, reports state that a “large, rabid circle” formed on the basketball court and began chanting in unison while a freshman in the middle rolled back and... Read more

“Who Even Gives A Shit Anymore?”: Furry Spotted On Newton Campus

Dorm Stuff Freshmen Sex October 1, 2020

“Yeah, man, I guess this sort of thing used to be a big deal. Any other week, honestly. But none of us can be bothered to give this kid the gaping, slack-jawed, sickened glares he’s so clearly begging for.”

University Welcomes “Most Diverse Class Ever” With White Guy From New Jersey

Freshmen Student Life September 10, 2020

“Look, his mumbling is bad enough as it is,” noted Rosalita Clemens (MCAS ‘24). “But on a Zoom call, with all of CLXF trying to blast “Born In The USA” at the same time, the poor dude didn’t have a chance.”

Campus Ninth Men Unionize To Avoid Living On CoRo

Dorm Stuff Freshmen ResLife February 18, 2020

STUART HALL — In a press conference Tuesday morning, “ninth men” across campus announced that they have officially formed a union. The leader of the new union, Sarah Shaughnessy (MCAS ’21), spoke to reporters at the event. “For too long, the folks in the ninth spot in a room... Read more

Freshman ELP Member Shocked To Learn She Might Actually Have To Make Other Friends

Freshmen Student Life October 4, 2019

MCELROY COMMONS — On Friday afternoon, Maddie Wilson (MCAS ’23) forced to come to terms that the Emerging Leader Program (ELP) might not have provided her with the friendships she hoped it would. After spending two full hours waiting for someone to respond to the lunch invite she sent... Read more

Newly Accepted Club Member Misinterprets Kidnapping For Kinky Sexual Roleplay

Freshmen Student Life September 9, 2019

FENWICK HALL — Boston College a capella group The Bostonians continued their long-standing tradition of “kidnapping” newly accepted members from their dorm rooms last Tuesday night. But the usually lighthearted tradition took an unexpected turn when one new member reportedly misinterpreted the situation as an extreme sexual roleplay, leading... Read more