The New England Classic
Rising Senior Suspiciously, Concerningly, Creepily Excited To Take Freshman Courses

For some, this means taking random extra classes just to fill their schedule. For others, like Phil Thee (CSOM ‘26), this means taking freshman core classes in their senior year.

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“I Thought The Business School Was Male-Dominated,” Says Class Of 2029 Freshman Enrolled In CSON

“Just then, he realized his grave mistake. He had applied and been accepted into CSON — The Connell School of Nursing, not CSOM — The Carroll School of Management. “

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Splitting the G? You Mean Splitting My G-Friendships in Housing Week?

Molly Malone (MCAS ’28) believed her seven “literal besties” planned to split into blocked quads when they didn’t get an 8-man pick time. When she learned they skipped quad day to try for a 6-man, things got messier than freshmen at Circle. 

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Inspired By Trump’s New Immigration Policies, Leahy Creates A Newton Travel Ban

“They come in here and steal everything,” said Nobe Itches, an Upper Campus freshman (CSOM ‘28). “They steal our food, our seats in class, and worst of all, they snatch our huzz.”

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“Wanna See My nephew?”: How Is This Freshman I Know Already An Uncle?

Instead, Uncle Brian will learn to rely on figures like hourglass, slim thick, and pear for the remainder of his collegiate years.

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Did You Feel That? The Earthquake Or My Hookup From The Other Night

The only thing Gasom felt was a little rug burn down there. Little did she know, she would be confronted with this question again walking to class after debriefing her weekend escapades over a Chicken Parm Presser.

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Unlike The Circle Bouncer, Mom Won’t Let You Drink EVEN If You Slip Her A $20

How could this be? You’re 18 (literally an adult), and you are in college. No way your uptight parents aren’t going to let you get sloppy drunk on the best holiday of the year. 

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Freshman Who Read “Allegory Of The Cave” Insistent That He Is Too Old For Kids Table

He truly understands now that sometimes punching your friends in the balls as a joke is unjust, even if they deserve it.

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Spooky! Your Roommate Is Dating Her Orientation Leader

“Kenny had an interesting approach, for sure,” said Johnny Damon (MCAS ’28), also in Coogur’s orientation group. “In the icebreaker, Katie revealed that her favorite pizza topping is anchovies, and Kenny immediately responded by saying his favorite BC fun fact is that 69% of Eagles marry each other.”

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Freshman Submits First Paper In Comic Sans, Claiming It Adds Character

“Each font has a different story, and that’s, like, so cool. I just love the visual artistry of it all,” said Turner, who left her entire paper formatted in a single paragraph.

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