The New England Classic
Bert and Ernie Down the Hall Look Suspiciously Like Puppets

“Whenever I dap either of them up, they can never really get the hang of it. It’s like someone else is controlling their limbs.” Commented Oscar de Grouch (MCAS ’25) “Their hands are pretty small too, I thought it was just because they’re kinda short kings, but now I think otherwise.”

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Confused Freshman Begins Training For Marathon Monday

But one freshman, Brent Henry (MCAS ’25), is not in-the-know. He thinks that the Marathon Monday tradition involves all BC students actually running the Boston Marathon. Last week, he began training for it.

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Run! Philosophy Student Wants To Tell You What He’s Learned
STOKES NORTH — Freshman Franny Bacon (MCAS ’25) was found virtuously engaging in Socratic discourse with literally anyone who passed him yesterday afternoon. After a few weeks in Perspectives I, Bacon reports feeling “enlightened” and possessing a newfound sense of “metaphysical contemplation.” “It’s hard to believe that I’ve never... Read more
Dad Brings Girlfriend to Parents Weekend Instead of Mom

“I didn’t even know my parents had split up. I mean, I haven’t even been gone for a month,” bemoaned Dale, clearly bothered by the whole situation. “But I guess it explains him mentioning his ‘new flame’ and ‘adjustments’ at home when we’ve been on the phone – I just assumed he had started taking Viagra or something.”

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Freshman Unknowingly Brings Mom to “Freud 101”

“I obviously don’t have the hots for my mom. That would be so gross. I mean, she’s a beautiful lady. I’m not gonna deny it. And she does look really nice in those Banana Republic slacks she wore today, but that’s just me being observational.”

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Uhmm, Okay? Freshman Just Introduced Himself As A “Pee-Scholar”
CONNELL RECREATION CENTER —  What would have been a casual game of pick-up basketball was derailed last Thursday when one of the first-year players led with a puzzling remark. As the freshmen made small talk while waiting for a court to open, one casually referred to himself as something... Read more
Weary Sophomores Defend Roncastle From Hordes Of Freshmen

A righteous group of sophomores, who just months ago found themselves on the rear end of the housing process, fashioned what weaponry they could to protect their dear fortress. Once the freshmen fired their first rock, an all-night war of bloodlust broke out.

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Eager Pre-Med Performs Rigatoni Tracheotomy On Choking Friend

“Yeah, I’ve wanted to be a surgeon since before Grey’s Anatomy made it popular, so I spend most of my free time studying various procedures on YouTube,” said Call.

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Newton Student Misses Carpool

“‘So sad. I simply could not imagine being dropped off for college by a yellow school bus. It’s just so embarrassing,’ said John Fitzgerald (CSON ‘24), who was later seen struggling to open the sliding door of his mom’s minivan.”

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What The Fuck: Roommate Just Took The Lord’s Name In Vain

“I honestly couldn’t believe it,” said Arist. “I mean sure, I may have instigated it by calling him a fat-ass mistake of a human being, but like taking the Lord’s name in vain? That’s just too fucking far, man.”

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