The New England Classic
Freshman Failing Lit Core Claims Taylor Swift’s “The Tortured Poets Department” Is “Literally Her”

‘Well, Travis obviously inspired a lot on the album. I feel the same inspiration for my Insta stories from my boyfriend, Noah. He was a second string quarterback in high school, so… we get it.’

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Uh Oh: Your Babygirl Hockey “Boyfriend” Is A Freshman

“‘STOP HE IS LITERALLY MY CUTIE PIE BOYFRIEND,’ interrupted a very angered Phile. ;Why won’t you let me be happy!'”

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Freshmen RA’s Now Offer A Goodnight Kiss To Homesick Residents

With the removal of all Covid restrictions on campus, the Residence Hall Association is delighted to announce that Resident Advisors will now offer goodnight kisses to all homesick students.

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Colorblind Student Disappointed With First New England Fall

“I don’t get it. The colors aren’t that different. They’re just like… muted? Sure, the trees are little bit grayer than normal. That’s cool, I guess. I just feel like I’m missing something.”

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Freshmen Protest Surging Uber Prices By Taking Ambulances Home From Clubs

“If you call 9-1-1 and tell them that someone is passed out and not breathing, they will literally send a car so fast, and it’s way bigger than an UberXL”

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“I’m Like Robin Williams In That One Movie,” Says Entirely Blue Professor

“I was fully prepared to hear ‘carpe diem’ on the first day,” Lostsole said. “I kept waiting for him to stand on the desk, but all he did was, lecture?”

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Congratulations Class Of 2026! If We Make It That Far…

If we manage to escape the Western descent into fascism, the constant threat of nuclear war, the ever increasing threat of climate change, gerrymandering, Exxon Mobil, NFTs, shrimp in Cinnamon Toast Crunch, global pandemics, Don’t Look Up, Late Night in Lyons, and “Yummy” by Justin Bieber, you are going to do great things in your four (or less) years here.

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April Fools: You Were Never In The Eight-Man
UPPER CAMPUS – The nightmares of housing for rising sophomores finally came to a close this past week. Some ended up in eight mans, some in quads, and some unlucky ones even ended up in CoRo. However, for one student, the nightmare has only just begun. Lou Zehr (Lynch... Read more
Lessons Learned From Last Sunday’s Snowstorm

“What we found was that the aerodynamics of the coffin meant that the opposing forces of the snow didn’t allow for maximum kinetic energy on the acceleration of velocity so the resistance resulted in very little quarks,” remarked Freddy’s super smart friend, Philip Payne (MCAS ’25).

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Bert and Ernie Down the Hall Look Suspiciously Like Puppets

“Whenever I dap either of them up, they can never really get the hang of it. It’s like someone else is controlling their limbs.” Commented Oscar de Grouch (MCAS ’25) “Their hands are pretty small too, I thought it was just because they’re kinda short kings, but now I think otherwise.”

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