The New England Classic
TRAGIC: Roommate May Have Voted Libertarian

“See?” explained Harris, donning a blue “I’m Still With Her” baseball cap and adjusting a framed “Kennedy/Johnson” poster. “These are real positions, worthwhile opinions. It’s so hard to see out-of-date, ridiculous views like hers making headlines.”

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Student Who Moved Home Just Now Realizing His Parents Got Divorced
WESTCHESTER COUNTY, N.Y. — Two full weeks after returning home for the semester, junior  Dan Nulment (CSOM ’22) has just now begun to realize that his parents may have ended their marriage at some point in the past three months.  “When my mom told me that Dad was ‘quarantining... Read more
CSOM Announces New “Pay-For-Grade” Initiative
THE BEAN COUNTER — Small men in suits with shoulders that extend just a little too far for the men to fill out mill about, lounging. Another sect of students is adorned in Vineyard Vines, docksiders, and an array of business casual shorts in all manner of pastels. They... Read more
“Can Someone Call the Uber?,” Asks Friend Who Never Calls the Uber
VANDERSLICE PARKING LOT — Before departing to enjoy a dinner out with her friends at Tavern in the Square, junior Alex Solomon (CSOM ’22) was heard asking if someone could “call the Uber” to the local Brighton restaurant, despite several reports from her friends that Solomon has not once... Read more
Alarming: Hundreds of Students Would Rather Be In New Jersey

“At press time, hundreds of New Jerseryan students were queued up at the Newton Center Shell station, waiting for someone else to pump their gas.”

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Developing: UIS Set to Dictate Whether Students Go to Heaven or Hell

Next semester, students will have the opportunity to register for a class that will determine whether they will live forever in blessed communion with The Lord or find themselves chained to the infernal river in the dominion of Satan.

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Five Things To Talk About Now That The Election Is Over, And They’re All The Rat Line
1) The Rat Line I mean, Jesus Christ. The Rat used to MEAN SOMETHING, for pete’s sake. Remind your friends and loved ones how miserable a metaphor the Rat has become for our whole new way of life. The Rat is, as it has always been, the center of... Read more
Inspiring: Freethinking Roommate Doesn’t Have A TikTok

“’I enjoy being told that the things I like are stupid,’ says Smith’s roommate, Charles DiEmilio (LSOE ’23). ‘Especially from someone like Andy, who is so clearly better than me.'”

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Student Body Flips On Thanksgiving Poll: “We No Longer Ever Wish To Go Home”
SERVICES.BC.EDU — In a shocking last-minute push, Boston College students overwhelmingly reversed course on the Thanksgiving ultimatum that the University posed to them in late October. While projections from the Associated Press initially showed that, as of Monday, a majority of students planned to go home, the fallout from... Read more
Spooky: It’s Not Me, It’s You

“It’s kind of sad, but I really can’t say that I’m to blame.”

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