The New England Classic
“Send Stokes Set,” Pleads CAB Anonymously

CAB spokesperson Kyle Crab (MCAS ’23) responded to the allegations via Instagram story. “We take this sort of allegation very seriously,” wrote Crab of CAB. “With that being said, we’d love to see a lot of heads come out to Stokes Set this weekend so that we can justify not only our exorbitant operating budget but also our outright existence as an organization.”

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Professor Asks “Just The Ugly Kids” To Mask Up In Class

Students expressed widespread indignation Monday when Prof. Patrick Lanzoni requested “just the ugly kids” in his Globalization I class wear masks. The announcement came after Lanzoni lamented seeing “atrocious acne” and “a severe lack of smokeshows” for 2 weeks.

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Weary Sophomores Defend Roncastle From Hordes Of Freshmen

A righteous group of sophomores, who just months ago found themselves on the rear end of the housing process, fashioned what weaponry they could to protect their dear fortress. Once the freshmen fired their first rock, an all-night war of bloodlust broke out.

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New CAB Event: Hunt Your Own Dinner

“I’ve always been, like, super into killing small animals, and it just feels so good to share my passions with the rest of the student body. The BC community is just so supportive, and I am so, so grateful to have this chance to absolutely impale rabbits and other small game with crudely sharpened sticks.”

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Wowza: Roommate Used To Have An Astounding Amount Of Pubic Hair

“I was about to hop in the shower when I saw the abomination,” recalled Gillette. “It looked like someone had shaved a grizzly bear.”  

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University Announces You Can Bring Two Hand Puppets To Graduation

Students whose parents are divorced are still encouraged to bring two puppets, on the grounds that they remain cordial and do not let their puppets engage in any hilarious family disputes, outrageous slapstick violence with oversized blunt objects, or crude puns during the ceremony. 

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Wait, Are People Still Having Sex?
CHESTNUT HILL—In recent days, alarming reports filed all over campus have shed new light on a previously unknown trend that apparently has affected the entire academic year: students have been having sex this entire time. The New England Classic inquired further in order to assess the veracity of these... Read more
10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be At The Boston Logan International Airport
Live on CoRo all four years. I’d rather make the commute from exile every damn day than have to walk the marathon from the parking garage to the check-in desk even once.  Talk to Molly’s owner for longer than .2 seconds. I’d give that man my instagram handle- hell,... Read more
Yikes: BC Dining Ordered Too Many Clams
LOWER LIVE AT CORCORAN COMMONS — In a bid to maintain transparency on campus, Boston College Dining Services announced Thursday morning that they mistakenly ordered an overabundance of clams for the kitchen’s monthly food stock. “We know how much students enjoy the pungent scent of freshly fried clams on... Read more
Happy For Him: The Guy That Left Us a Year Ago Is Experiencing Great Success

We enjoyed the time we had together, and trust us, there is no bad blood between us. Everything happens for a reason, right? We have been taking this opportunity to focus on ourselves and it has been really rewarding.

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