Local Satire Paper Officially Out Of Ideas Hot
Student Life December 3, 2018
CARNEY HALL — According to recent insider reports, Boston College’s only satire publication, The New England Classic, has officially run out of ideas. This revelation comes after an 11-year string of news stories, sketch videos, and football coach video games which some are calling “questionable work, at best.” Yesterday, an... Read more
Aging Sophomore Can’t Drink Like She Used To
Student Life November 29, 2018
90 SAINT THOMAS MORE RD. — In a groggy haze, Sarah Flaunder (MCAS ‘21) came to the harrowing realization last Saturday that she can’t handle as much alcohol as she could “back in her youth.” Between gulps of Gatorade, the 19-year-old reported that she had an “uncomfortable mix” of... Read more
CAB Holding Auditions For O’Neill Plaza Christmas Tree
HolidaysStudent Life November 28, 2018
This year’s contenders include Bjorn, a Norway spruce; Elrik, a Douglas fir; Gustav, a Lodgepole pine; and Alex (CSOM ‘19), a marketing major.
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Student Tour Guide Also Walks Backwards To Class
ServiceStudent Life November 19, 2018
GASSON QUAD — A number of Boston College students reported feelings of bewilderment Monday morning when Student Admission Program tour guide Devon Lin (MCAS ‘19) was seen walking backwards to class. “It was crazy,” said eyewitness sophomore Stewart Dent. “He traversed the entire campus without even looking behind him.... Read more
MCGUINN HALL — On Thursday, the Boston College Psychology Department released a study which concluded that there is a direct correlation between the number of stickers on a person’s laptop and the perception of the stickers as a part of his or her identity. After placing a collection of... Read more
Junior Loses Odds, Drops Out Of BC
Student Life November 14, 2018
LYONS HALL — Tomorrow, Quincy Fitzgerald (CSOM ‘20) will submit a withdrawal form to Boston College Student Services after losing a game of odds, 1 to 1000. Fitzgerald and his roommates, Corbin Godfrey (CSOM ‘20) and Preston Graham (LSOE ‘20), hosted a pre-game at their house on Foster Street... Read more
Naval ROTC Subdues Reservoir U-Boat Invasion
Student Life November 13, 2018
CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — Twelve midshipmen in the Boston College Naval Reserve Officer Training Corp (NROTC) sunk a German U-Boat on Monday. The underwater craft was destroyed following an ambush during the cadets’ Veteran’s Day (Observed)-mandated recreational time. According to reports obtained by The New England Classic, the siege... Read more
Health Services Cures Smallpox Using Only Goody Bag Of Ibuprofen
Student Life November 12, 2018
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — On Friday, University Health Services made a groundbreaking step forward in modern medicine: curing freshman Elijah Warren of smallpox using exclusively ibuprofen. Reports indicated that, although Warren’s flu-like symptoms visibly manifested on Monday morning, he was unable to schedule an appointment until Thursday at 8:00... Read more
Virus Going Around On Campus Really Making Most Of Its College Experience
Student Life November 8, 2018
GASSON HALL — After only spending two weeks on campus, an untreatable virus has officially infected over half of Boston College. Lectures halls everywhere are reportedly filled with the sounds of coughs, sniffles, and sneezes. “At first I was worried I wouldn’t fit in,” stated the virus. “But this... Read more
RUDE: Bus Driver Takes Three-Minute Break Knowing Full Well This Guy’s Class Started 20 Minutes Ago
FreshmenStudent Life November 7, 2018
MAIN GATE —On Tuesday, an Eagle Direct bus driver treated himself to three-minutes of personal privilege, despite being fully aware that a student, waiting to board the bus, Meninges B. Tinglin (MCAS ‘22), was already twenty minutes late to his 10:00 AM macroeconomics lecture. As a result of the... Read more