Meat-Eaters And Vegans Finally Agree: The Grateful Burger Sucks Hot
Student Life September 19, 2018
CORCORAN COMMONS — In a shocking development late Sunday evening, vegans and carnivores alike found themselves united under a radical new idea: the Grateful Burger is fucking gross. The new addition to the Chestnut Hill Grill contains only 50% beef, with the other 50% being a mix of vegetables... Read more
Yoga Mat Thrilled To Spend Another Year Under Junior’s Bed Hot
SportsStudent Life September 18, 2018
STAYER HALL — The large black yoga mat belonging to local junior Vivian Greene has finally made peace with the fact that it will be neglected and ignored for the entire 2018-2019 school year. Like many Boston College students, Greene recently declared a newfound commitment to exercise, but has... Read more
AJ Dillon Hired To Break Up Cheesesteak Line
SportsStudent Life September 12, 2018
LOWER LIVE — After weeks of intense pressure from student groups and BC Dining staff, Boston College has reportedly settled on a solution for battling the increasingly long lines at Corcoran Commons. “Basically, we’re just gonna have AJ pound the shit out of each line about halfway down, and... Read more
Dishes Slowly Gathering In Sink Eager To Destroy Peaceful 8-Man
Student Life September 11, 2018
VANDERSLICE HALL — Peering over the sink with satisfaction, a growing stack of unwashed dishes reportedly can’t wait to ruin the peace in its otherwise tranquil 8-person suite. “I know Katie and Sara are getting along now,” said Sticky Coffee Mug (Dirty Since 08/28). “But just wait till they’re... Read more
Inbred Piece Of Human Garbage Wears White After Labor Day
Student Life September 4, 2018
GASSON QUAD — Tommy Michelson (MCAS ’19) was spotted lounging on the Gasson Quad with his roommates today sporting a pair of white Vineyard Vines shorts. Does that dumb bitch not know that yesterday was Labor Day? Michelson, usually a perfectly presentable dresser, seemed blissfully ignorant of his fashion... Read more
Club Eager To Reject Kids They Just Recruited At Involvement Fair
FreshmenStudent Life September 3, 2018
MIDDLE CAMPUS — Hundreds of student organizations took to Stokes Lawn on Friday, eager to recruit hordes of freshmen whose ambitions they could crush. The lineup included dance groups like Sexual Chocolate, service organizations such as 4Boston, and leadership clubs like the Rookie Leadership Program (RLP). Sarah Sivian, RLP... Read more
Vatican Reminds BC Dining That Snack Attack Was Original Holy Trinity
JesuitsStudent Life August 30, 2018
VATICAN CITY — In a nearly 200-page encyclical titled “Execarbilis,” Pope Francis on Friday called for Boston College to reinstate the Late Night dining policies it abandoned for the 2018-2019 academic year. “Just as the Father, Son and Holy Ghost form a Holy Trinity, so hallowed is the union... Read more
Student Has Sinking Suspicion No One Really Cares How Her Summer Was
SchoolStudent Life August 26, 2018
LOWER LIVE — Munching on a full plate of questionable eggs and home fries, junior Samantha O’Gallison reportedly began to wonder whether or not all of her classmates actually cared how her summer was. Sources close to O’Gallison believe she fears the vast majority of people who have asked... Read more
OL Under Impression He’s “The Hot One”
FreshmenStudent Life July 31, 2018
THOMAS MORE APARTMENTS — Adjusting his gold-plated name tag from his reflection in the Robsham window, orientation leader Brayden McPatrick confirmed his self-appointed place in the OL hierarchy. “From the very beginning of training, the First Year Experience staff emphasized that we were selected to represent the BC community... Read more
Mary Ann’s Purchased By Walt Disney Company
Student Life July 18, 2018
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Mary Ann’s Bar, the beloved local watering hole frequented by Boston College students for decades, was sold last week to the most magical company in the world. In the wake of its impending acquisition of 21st Century Fox, The Walt Disney Company has purchased Mary Ann’s... Read more