The New England Classic
Student Takes Break From The Grind To Remind Social Media Followers The Grind Never Stops
O’NEILL LIBRARY — After waking up early to secure a desk cubicle on the fourth floor of O’Neill Library, Andrea Thompson (MCAS ’21) took a break from studying for her Introduction to Genomics final exam to upload a post to her Instagram story reminding her followers that “The Grind... Read more
LTE: Kaylee Brought Her Shitty New Boyfriend To Friendsgiving And He Sucks
After a long three months, I finally got a break to rest up at home before finals. It’s time to kick back, relax, and, apparently, listen to Kaylee’s shitty boyfriend talk about his dumbass idea for a startup.  “They’ve only been dating for a month,” my friend Hannah told... Read more
Tornado Slams Into Carney, Causes $10 Million Worth Of Improvements
CARNEY HALL – This year’s unseasonable weather took another unexpected turn on Saturday as a tornado touched down on campus, curiously targeting only Carney Hall. However, the value of the land actually increased despite the fact that the entire structure was destroyed. This orphanage of arts and sciences bastard... Read more
Fucking Idiot Who Didn’t Lock The Door To The One-Person Bathroom Deserved To Be Walked In On
O’NEILL LIBRARY — Following a drawn-out investigation, the Boston College Board of Student Conduct deemed that Jared O’Ryan (CSOM ’23) deserved to be walked in on after neglecting to lock the door to the one-person bathroom in O’Neill Library. O’Ryan, no longer a “newbie” on campus having been here... Read more
Mod Grills Migrate South For Winter
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — In one of the region’s most celebrated natural phenomena, Boston College’s native genus of outdoor cooking apparatus took to the skies on Monday morning, beginning their annual exodus to the sun-drenched concrete of Florida State University. Having come to the end of their three-month tailgating... Read more
Academic Advising: “UIS Had Darkmode First”
STOKES S140 — After learning few weeks too late that “dark mode” is now a popular smartphone feature, head of the Academic Advising, John Dunderhead, MCAS ’82, officially scrapped all plans to revamp UIS. Rumors of converting UIS into a more user-friendly platform have been heard around campus, but... Read more
Junior Canonized After Rising From The Dead At Pregame
FOSTER STREET – Pope Francis announced Monday that Mike McMackey (CSOM ‘21) will be officially canonized as a Catholic saint. The Boston College junior performed his third miracle this weekend when he resurrected himself from the dead in the basement of 295 Foster Street.  The 20-year-old grandson of four... Read more
Spooky! I Don’t Remember What I Said In My Last Snap
For more spooky, bone-chilling satire, look out for our print issue. Coming to a library near you, December 2019! Read more
Spooky! Jake Celebrating Halloween By Ghosting You
UNKNOWN LOCATION — Despite your Snapchat streak, double texts, and dinner dates at Lower over the past month, Jake Miller (CSOM ’21) has reportedly decided to embrace the Halloween spirit this year by ghosting you.  While most celebrate the holiday by carving pumpkins, dressing up, and watching horror movies,... Read more
Spooky! The CAB Hypnotist Converted This Junior To Judaism
O’CONNELL HOUSE — A Campus Activities Board event gained a little more chutzpah Tuesday when hypnotist Chris Jones converted a student to Judaism. Halfway through the show, Jones called Matthew Doyle (CSOM ‘21, BC High ‘17) up to the stage to be hypnotized. According to eyewitness reports, Jones pulled... Read more