Freshman Failing Lit Core Claims Taylor Swift’s “The Tortured Poets Department” Is “Literally Her”
Campus CultureFreshmenStudent LifeUncategorized February 19, 2024 The New England Classic
KOSTKA HALL — Sunday night was full of surprises for Swifties across the BC campus and beyond. Fingers, toes, and eyes were crossed as students watched on their parents’ cable TV provider for Taylor’s appearance at the Grammys. While many sighs of exasperation echoed throughout the halls from SZA, Lana, and Oliva enthusiasts alike, Amy Stake (CSON ‘27) was heard violently sobbing tears of joy after Swift announced the release of The Tortured Poets Department.
When asked for her initial thoughts on the album, Stake said: “I feel like Dr. Taylor Allison Swift (Ph.D.) totally gets me with her Eras. I mean, I wanted a rerelease of Reputation and all, especially after dealing with my hometown snakes over break. But this fits my aesthetic way better!”
Stake’s VSCO is themed “classy black and white,” for reference.
After the album announcement, roommate Shanda Lear (MCAS ‘27) set down her copy of Lolita, to say that “Lana was snubbed.”
Stake promptly replied, “You ever see Clueless? Taylor and I are literally Cher and Dionne. I’m a fan because we both know what it’s like to have people feel jealous of us!” She shifted in her bed to mirror the album cover, though the twin XL did not give quite the same effect as Taylor’s ginormous pillow.
Other similarities between Stake and Swift? “Well, Travis obviously inspired a lot on the album. I feel the same inspiration for my Insta stories from my boyfriend, Noah. He was a second string quarterback in high school, so… we get it.”
“I have 200 bucks on the 49ers over Chiefs. Moneyline. Don’t tell Amy,” said Stake’s boyfriend, Noah Pinion (CSOM ‘26).
“I mean a private jet for 28 miles isn’t, like, that bad,” Stake said, responding to Swift’s CO2 emission controversy. “I take the bus back to Upper when I go to the Plex, ‘what’s a girl gonna do?”
When asked about her thoughts on the released track list, Stake had a lot to say:
“I wish ‘Florida!!!’ was coming out sooner than April 14th. Me and my girls are going to Fort Lauderdale, it literally would’ve slayed. I’m really, like, excited for ‘Manuscript.’ Just like the things that Florence Pugh burnt in Little Women! I think ‘Fortnight’ will be relatable, too. Maybe like how Noah ignores me when he’s ‘squaded up wit’ da boys.’ Taylor literally gets me so good!”
So, does life imitate art, or does art imitate life? Here at The Classic, we now know firsthand where, or perhaps from whom, Swift gets her inspiration.
At press time, Stake was seen reaching for her untouched copy of Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey.