New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️
STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries for dinner, Cronin suffered a devastating bout of indigestion. During the troubled sleep that followed, the veteran professor had a dream that led her to what she says is the most important contribution to modern philosophy since forcing eighteen-year-olds to get a date and stop being such fucking losers.
When asked to describe the dream, Cronin said, “It was so lifelike. I was driving my red Toyota Camry through Waltham. Suddenly I was hungry. I check my watch, and, gabagool! It’s Thursday! So I pull into Burger King and tell them it’s the usual, and they say, ‘It’s on the King tonight.’ I think, ‘This must be my lucky day,’ and as I pull up to the window to get my food, I’m suddenly blinded by light, and there He is — Jesus-Fucking-Christ the King. As He handed me the bag, he whispered, ‘This is the Way, the Light, and the Truth. Go forth and bless the world.’ So that’s what I’m doing!”
Charlotte Graham (MCAS ’24) said she received a WHOPPER Jr.®️ on the first day of class and was instructed to “really smell the sanctity of the lettuce,” and “feel the power of the holy spirit” in the tomato.
On an unrelated note, BC Dining has recently closed a multimillion-dollar deal with Burger King, and will now be opening a satellite location in lieu of Co-Ro Café.