Campus Culture Archives | The New England Classic

Pumpkin Sues BC EMS For Botched Surgery Hot

Campus Culture Spooky Student Life October 22, 2020

GABELLI HALL — Dreams of a blissful thot-umn were thrown into uncertainty when news broke that Doctorina Miami (CSON ‘22), Vice President of Boston College EMS, was being sued for medical malpractice and emotional distress by a pumpkin she carved earlier this week. “I was just trying to be... Read more

Op-Ed: I Am Madly In Love With The Single Weird Tiny Fully Finished Piece of The Schiller Center Hot

Campus Culture Sex October 21, 2020

For weeks, I’d spend my days sitting in its shadow telling it about my day or just admiring its smooth, supple stone and powerful frame. The courageous independence of its existence.

Fuckboy Would Date You If It Weren’t For “Everything Going on Right Now” Hot

Campus Culture Coronavirus Sex October 19, 2020

“Marley later clarified that he does not believe COVID-19 will impact his ability to hook up with you, just his emotional availability. As Boston College cracked down on the number of guests allowed in each place of residence, Marley felt it was only right to enforce a strict no-sleepover policy at his place starting Saturday. “

Op-Ed: A Perfectly Normal Day

Campus Culture School October 15, 2020

Happy Thursday, October 15, Boston College! Boy, isn’t today normal? The first thing I did after getting out of bed was brush my teeth with a little Colgate®️ Optic White toothpaste. Then, I took my morning shower and changed into a casual outfit. To finish off my morning routine,... Read more

New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️

Campus Culture Freshmen School Sex Student Life October 8, 2020

STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more

Hold The Phone: Molly Has A New Bitch

Campus Culture Student Life October 7, 2020

GASSON QUAD — The undergraduate population was buzzing with excitement on Wednesday when campus fixture Molly the Dog was spotted with a much younger black labrador named Maisie. After rumors circulated that Molly was about to take a long trip to a farm upstate, she reached out to The... Read more

Entire Dorm Chants “Kairos”, Public School Freshman Scared And Confused

Campus Culture Dorm Stuff Freshmen October 6, 2020

UPPER CAMPUS — Last Saturday night, hundreds of desperate freshmen swarmed Upper Campus in an attempt to meet fellow first-years. Once there, however, reports state that a “large, rabid circle” formed on the basketball court and began chanting in unison while a freshman in the middle rolled back and... Read more

Woah! Helicopter!

Campus Culture Student Life October 5, 2020

BOSTON COLLEGE — The Classic received a stream of reports about helicopters hovering over campus this morning, an event aerophile communities consider both “gratuitous aerial distraction” and “still super cool”. The sight left many speechless, but one junior captured the experience vividly. “So I was just like in my... Read more

OPINION: I’m A Water Fountain. Why Don’t You Want To Touch Me Anymore?

Campus Culture Sex September 24, 2020

You’ve passed me hundreds of times, and you’ve touched me more than I can count. I would be lying if I said I didn’t always crave those brief moments of contact between us, your lips close to mine, my fluid draining into your thirsty mouth. Our encounters weren’t always... Read more

BC Defends Testing Inaccuracies: “We Were Grading On A Curve”

Campus Culture Coronavirus September 23, 2020

SAINT MARY’S HALL — In response to recent charges of negligence and misreporting, Boston College representatives have released statements defending its testing strategy. “Look, this is college, right?” reported University Spokesperson, Jack Dunn, “And what do you do in college? Anyone? Okay fine, I’ll tell you: you grade on... Read more