The New England Classic
Regular Old Tyrion Lannister Tries To Turn ‘Thrones’ Conversation Into Sex

“I’ve actually been thinking a lot about Jorah, in the books he doesn’t really have greyscale because this guy Jon Connington, who’s been escorting Aegon Targaryen around, gets greyscale, so I’m wondering if he’ll be cured and make it to the end. So, can we get out of here, or do you want to hear my thoughts about The Golden Company and the elephants?”

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British Student Walks Up Left Side Of Million Dollar Stairs
GABELLI PLAZA — British student Elizabeth Queen (MCAS ’22) caused mayhem on the Million Dollar Stairs on Wednesday when she used the left side of the stairs to ascend the incline. “Blokes do everything so different on this side of the pond,” said Queen. “So it’s parky out and... Read more
Student Asks Class Facebook Group If Anyone Wants Anything From CVS
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Local samaritan Katie Rollhouse (LSOE ’21) posted an offer on the Official Boston College Class of 2021 Facebook group to pick up any items people might need from CVS. Since being published, the post has received a staggering number of “wow” and “angry” reacts — along... Read more
8-Man Expecting Way Too Much From Single String of Lights

“It was, like, so dark in there. I accidentally mixed my vodka with milk.”

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REPORT: Thomas More Apartments Is Called That Because It Has More Thomases Than Any Other Building On Campus

“It was never our intention to invoke a sense of Catholicism in any way, shape, or form,” one administrator admitted in a later memo.

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Newton Plague Survivors Debate Whether It’s Safe To Leave Their Bunker
NEWTON CAMPUS — In the basement of Keyes South, seven plague survivors have barricaded themselves in the basement study lounge for the past nine days. In an interview conducted via hushed FaceTime call, one of the students, Sophie Kelly (CSOM ’22), admitted that she and her companion are getting... Read more
Student Body To Decide Who Gets To Add ‘UGBC President’ To Their Resume
CHESTNUT HILL — Tension on campus has been palpable this week as the student body prepares for yet another heated UGBC election. After an intense series of debates, knocking on doors, and making Facebook profile picture frames, Thursday’s election will determine just which candidate will have the distinct honor... Read more
Campus Racists Attend “Acquitted Eagles Day”

Historically, Boston College has refrained from using “weighted” words such as “racist,” “hate-crime,” and “responsible,” but Sunday’s summit faced that language head-on, aiming to exonerate its attendees of any reason to associate the phrases with themselves.

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MA’s To Re-open For Three Weeks, No Funding For Bathroom Wall
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — A deal struck among the owners of Boston College’s favorite dive bar will allow Mary Ann’s to reopen its doors, but only for three weeks. Mary Ann’s, also known as MA’s (also ALSO known as Mary Ann’s Family Style Italian Restaurant), shuttered its doors last month... Read more
BC Megadonor Excited For Rec Center To Be Called “New Plex”
MARGOT CONNELL RECREATION CENTER™ — Boston College trustee associate Margot C. Connell (Hon. ’09) announced on Wednesday that she is looking forward to students using and enjoying the “New Plex” when it opens later this year. This nickname, already growing in popularity among the student body, is believed to... Read more