The New England Classic
“Send Stokes Set,” Pleads CAB Anonymously

CAB spokesperson Kyle Crab (MCAS ’23) responded to the allegations via Instagram story. “We take this sort of allegation very seriously,” wrote Crab of CAB. “With that being said, we’d love to see a lot of heads come out to Stokes Set this weekend so that we can justify not only our exorbitant operating budget but also our outright existence as an organization.”

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Eager Pre-Med Performs Rigatoni Tracheotomy On Choking Friend

“Yeah, I’ve wanted to be a surgeon since before Grey’s Anatomy made it popular, so I spend most of my free time studying various procedures on YouTube,” said Call.

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Lynch To Add ‘CoComelon’ Studies To List Of Majors
CAMPION HALL — Students in the Lynch School of Education were shocked to see a giant anthropomorphized watermelon blocking the entrance to Campion Hall as classes resumed this week.  With the fall semester now underway, the LSOE administration has announced the addition of “CoComelon Studies” to its list of... Read more
Local Dandelion Slut Blows Every Blossom In Town

“We get that it’s Earth Day and all,” said Connie Serned (CSON ’23), “but Jesus Christ, I watched him lick a dandelion slowly from top to bottom yesterday on the grass outside of Lower. That can’t be right.”

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British Royal Navy Invades CAB World Fair

The sailors made the quick stop on their trip to find the Northwest Passage so that they could investigate the cultures of the territories they were about to occupy.

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10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be At The Boston Logan International Airport
Live on CoRo all four years. I’d rather make the commute from exile every damn day than have to walk the marathon from the parking garage to the check-in desk even once.  Talk to Molly’s owner for longer than .2 seconds. I’d give that man my instagram handle- hell,... Read more
Wicked Pissah: Roommate Has Strong Stream
WALSH HALL — Students were disrupted late Sunday night by what reportedly sounded like a firehose from the bathroom of Suite 304. Reports indicate that this was no ordinary tinkle, but instead was categorized by Boston-based experts as a “Wicked Pissah.” The Classic obtained access to reports from the... Read more
“BC Before Dark” To Offer Sippy Cups For Little Stupid Babies Who Can’t Drink

“For the first time in a long time, I feel seen,” said Smalls Gerber (MCAS ’22)”

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16 Signs There’s A Furry Sleeping Next To You

“In front of Gasson, they give what sounds like a deep, guttural bark back at Molly. Actually, it was probably towards her owner. You forgive it immediately.”

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University Approves Pine Manor Conjugal Visits

“We want to take this opportunity to support our married students in their quest to be fruitful and multiply, even if they might have COVID-19.”

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