The New England Classic
BC Girl Reconnects With Her Jesuit Values, Only Eats Bread Rolls And House Wine In Punta

BC Girl Reconnects With Her Jesuit Values, Only Eats Bread Rolls And House Wine In Punta

HolidaysServiceStudent Life March 13, 2024 The New England Classic

"She promptly described her powerful experience at her 4-day mass in a 'distant place,' providing plenty of candids of her consumption of the 'house... BC Girl Reconnects With Her Jesuit Values, Only Eats Bread Rolls And House Wine In Punta

PUNTA CANA–This past week thousands of college students packed their shein tops into their sparkly duffle bags for spring break, with the hottest of all destinations being Punta. BC student and devoted Jesuit according to her common app essay, Spoil D. Bratt (MCAS ‘26), was no different. She had been dreaming for weeks about escaping the confines of her lack of spray tans, minimal red 40 consumption, and half-cooked burger intake, and knew Punta was the destination to solve all of her problems. 

Funding her trip was no problem, as she told her parents that APPA had made a new volunteering trip in the Dominican Republic and in her house, “good deeds are rewarded with monetary compensation.” Her parents were thrilled that she was going to be connecting to the Jesuit values that they had raised her on.

Once there, Bratt and her 40 identical friends took no time at all to get acquainted with the free lobby champagne. After taking a minimum of 5 years off her skin’s lifetime by “reading” on the beach it was dinnertime. However, Bratt had been warned by her 5 older sisters who also went to BC and also went on spring break in Punta Cana that the food was a dangerous game that could strike back at any moment. A long lineage of sisterhood in the Bratt family had taught her that it was a survival of the smartest- and the smartest only ate the unscathed bread rolls when in Punta. 

After a couple of hours at the swim-up bar, Bratt had gained the confidence to use her 8th-grade Spanish to order the wine for everyone claiming “don’t worry guys I got this, I visited Spain this summer for a week, I’m basically fluent”. Bratt and her posse were feeling rather classy and decided to go with the house red which they had heard great things about on the TripAdvisor reviews they had read prior to the trip. Her “fluency” brought the table 8 bread baskets and a few bottles of the house red, in her eyes the perfect combination for avoiding food poisoning and staying true to the Jesuit tradition that had paid for the trip in full.

Upon her return to the heathen world, Bratt was hounded left and right by her teachers and peers about her spring break experience. Having heard all the whispers of the judgment for Punta and the popularity of APPA, Bratt knew she couldn’t risk losing any social clout from her peers or future moncler puffers if her parents were to somehow find out about her real destination. She promptly described her powerful experience at her 4-day mass in a “distant place,” providing plenty of candids of her consumption of the “house wine blood” and “bread roll body” of Christ. In some of her classes, she really committed to the bit, even shedding a few fake tears talking about how life-changing reconnecting to her Jesuit values was.

At press time Bratt was seen posting pictures of herself in a nun outfit with the caption #forjesus #puntachangedme