Professors Replaced By Kiosks

STOKES HALL — After the recent addition of kiosks instead of baristas in both Hillside and the Chocolate Bar, students were shocked to learn that some of their professors might too be replaced by kiosks. 

Alec Tronic (MCAS ’24) was shocked this past week when he walked into his Philosophy of the Person II class to see his classmates gathered around a shiny, new kiosk instead of their once smiling guide into the world of postmodern philosophy. 

After automated customer service machines were implemented at dining locations to increase students’ already monstrously high screen time, school administrators have decided to work on a similar beta program within the Philosophy department. 

“We thought it might be best to start rolling out our kiosk professors in the most straightforward discipline. Things like finance might be too difficult for a robot to explain, but things like the meaning of life, or the existence of God, felt like the right alley to try this out,” noted representatives from the administration.

When asked about the logic behind the kiosk professors, administrators expressed, “we see how happy the students are when they stare down at their phones, and how dismayed they seem when they have to talk face-to-face, so we wanted to bring that same joy into the classroom.”

“it’s worth it to give BC more money because at least I don’t have to actually talk to anyone. I always hated seeing the barista’s smiling face as she made my daily Starbucks, and now I don’t have to be bothered by the professor either,” Tronic stated.

The Classic was allowed into one of these philosophy classrooms to observe the new system in action. Students gathered around poking and prodding at their new professor and guide into the world of postmodern philosophy. Students first have to wait in line for a minimum of eighteen minutes. When they finally reach the front they are given four options: ‘lecture notes’, ‘homework help’, ‘cold specialty beverages’, and ‘seven minute filibuster of big buzz words’.  After that, students are asked whether they will pay for their answers in Eagle Bucks or Residential Dining Bucks. In a similar fashion to the coffee kiosks, by the time they have received their ticket, they are already six minutes late for their next class. 

It seemed the beta program started off without a hitch until last Thursday, when Professor 32” X æ 42 Digital started to suggest the meaning of life was a Bacon Egg and Cheese Flatbread. It is reported the professor had to be unplugged and rebooted before signals were mixed up with the Chocolate Bar. This seemed to be the reason many students were receiving copies of Plato’s Republic instead of their chocolate croissants. 

At press time, professor  32” X æ 42 Digital was seen ordering a coffee at Hillside.

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