BC Raises Cost Of Attendance To 88k, Fifty Cattle, Pound Of Gold, Firstborn Son
School April 3, 2024 The New England Classic
OFFICE OF STUDENT SERVICES — Continuing to play us all for fools and wring us all dry, Boston College has raised its cost of attendance for next year to a grand total $88,632. Additionally, starting in the 2024-25 school year, students will have to provide the University with a few additional endowments as part of their tuition. The New England Classic held an exclusive interview with Givey Money, a representative of the Office of Student Services, where he described a few of the new requirements students can expect in the upcoming school year.
The Classic: What can you tell us about the cost of attendance for the 2024-25 year?
Money: Along with the traditional tuition, starting next year students will also be required to pay a few small bounties to the University as part of their cost of attendance. Just a few trifles, like a spotless turtle dove or the sacrificial offering of a whole ox.
The Classic: What other things will students have to provide the University?
Money: Bounties that must be paid to the University starting next year include fifty of a student’s finest cows, one pound of pure gold, the hearts of four Boston University students, the deed to a Cape Cod beach house, a left kidney, and a one-page supplemental essay assuring Father Leahy that he is doing a great job. Students will also have the option to make a deal with a small elven creature to have their tuition reduced, with the caveat that one day the creature shall return and claim their firstborn son. All just trifles, really. We believe that students will easily be able to make the tributes BC requires.
The Classic: What about lower income students, who may only have a humble farm and a few old hens to their name?
Money: Of course, students will still be receiving need-based financial aid. A student with, say, only a few prized steeds may only be asked to give up one of them for use in the University’s 18th-century foxhunts. Additionally, any organs requested by the University do not have to come from the student themself. We want to keep education accessible, even for peasants who only own a few precious diamonds or even just one ancient family heirloom.
At press time, the University was considering adding one gallon of crude oil to the cost of attendance.
