The New England Classic
Naval ROTC Subdues Reservoir U-Boat Invasion
CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — Twelve midshipmen in the Boston College Naval Reserve Officer Training Corp (NROTC) sunk a German U-Boat on Monday. The underwater craft was destroyed following an ambush during the cadets’ Veteran’s Day (Observed)-mandated recreational time. According to reports obtained by The New England Classic, the siege... Read more
Health Services Cures Smallpox Using Only Goody Bag Of Ibuprofen
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — On Friday, University Health Services made a groundbreaking step forward in modern medicine: curing freshman Elijah Warren of smallpox using exclusively ibuprofen. Reports indicated that, although Warren’s flu-like symptoms visibly manifested on Monday morning, he was unable to schedule an appointment until Thursday at 8:00... Read more
Virus Going Around On Campus Really Making Most Of Its College Experience
GASSON HALL — After only spending two weeks on campus, an untreatable virus has officially infected over half of Boston College. Lectures halls everywhere are reportedly filled with the sounds of coughs, sniffles, and sneezes. “At first I was worried I wouldn’t fit in,” stated the virus. “But this... Read more
RUDE: Bus Driver Takes Three-Minute Break Knowing Full Well This Guy’s Class Started 20 Minutes Ago
MAIN GATE —On Tuesday, an Eagle Direct bus driver treated himself to three-minutes of personal privilege, despite being fully aware that a student, waiting to board the bus, Meninges B. Tinglin (MCAS ‘22), was already twenty minutes late to his 10:00 AM macroeconomics lecture. As a result of the... Read more
RA Killed On Duty Gets 2150 Gun Salute
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — Over the weekend Boston College Residential Life honored the death of one of their own with a traditional salute. Cannons were fired off the top of Maloney Hall to honor the martyrdom of Resident Assistant Darryl Stills (LGSOE ‘20). Stills was killed during a typical... Read more
Student “Swamped With Work” Free Enough To Spend Entire Weekend Drunk
STAYER HALL — Matt Harper (CSOM ’20), who recently has been seen on numerous occasions complaining to various friends and acquaintances that he is “absolutely swamped with work this week,” was reportedly free enough to spend the entirety of this past weekend drunk. “Dude, I just have, like, so... Read more
Funny Friend Actually Just Mean
THE RAT — In a surprising move this Thursday, friends of sophomore Mike Hanley collectively agreed that his “hilarious roasts” are really just veiled insults. The epiphany occurred when the friends reminisced about his classic jokes, suddenly realizing they were targeted at each of their insecurities and/or flaws. “Yeah,... Read more
Spooky! OSI Approves Another A Capella Group
CARNEY HALL — In a controversial decision, the Office of Student Involvement (OSI) approved the formation of another a capella group on campus last Friday. The newly formed group, The Pottertones, will be Boston College’s first Harry Potter-themed singing group. “I was shocked when I realized there wasn’t a... Read more
BC’s Pipe-Smoking Students Demand More Sumptuous Leather Armchairs
GASSON COMMON — Punctuating their statement with long, pensive draws from their briars, a group of pipe-smoking students presented demands to the University administration on Thursday, citing the need for more sumptuous leather armchairs. The tweed-clad students stood behind a mahogany podium amid wisps of silver-blue smoke and decried... Read more
Tailgating Parents Totally Unaware That Lilly Is Blacked Out
MOD LOT — Staggering around her roommate’s friend’s tailgate, Lilly Carter (MCAS ’22) reported that game days were her favorite because “none of these parents can even tell I’m shithoused!” An avid football fan, Carter woke up at 8:30 AM to start ripping shots of vodka and sipping spiked... Read more