The New England Classic
Innocent Virgin Grass Gets Pounded By 2,500 Co-Eds
STOKES LAWN — 2,500 hot college teens had their way with Boston College’s best piece of grass this weekend at the annual Stokes Set concert. Never before have we seen grass get slammed like this.  Hugh Johnson (CSON ‘22) was one of the many students all up in the... Read more
Psych Major Drops Out: “I’m Tired Of This Neuroscience B.S.”
HIGGINS HALL — Senior neuroscience major Emma McArthur reportedly threw in the towel on Tuesday evening and decided to drop out of Boston College just two semesters away from completing her degree. The night of the breakdown, McArthur was sitting in her Psychophysiology Of Stress class. Classmates on the... Read more
Shocking: 23andMe Results Reveal Baldwin The Eagle Is 12% Hawk

The test results also showed trace amounts of falcon and beagle. BC students reported feeling “shocked”, “upset”, and “aroused.”

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Fucking Idiot In Mailroom Doesn’t Know Shelf Number
WALSH HALL — Certified idiot Max Mortimer (CSOM ‘22) arrived at the Walsh mailroom Friday afternoon intending to somehow pick up a package without knowing his shelf number.  Bystanders and mailroom employees looked on as Mortimer searched his email for the vital code like a dumbass.  “Uh, I have... Read more
“For Boston, For Boston Hummdssaee Freahain” Sings Student Body
ALUMNI STADIUM — Following a Boston College Eagles’ touchdown against the Richmond Spiders last Saturday, hundreds of football fans broke into a celebratory rendition of the school’s fight song.  Stephen Montgomery (CSOM ‘23) and his friends from Keyes South proudly sang the first two lines of the song they... Read more
Newly Accepted Club Member Misinterprets Kidnapping For Kinky Sexual Roleplay
FENWICK HALL — Boston College a capella group The Bostonians continued their long-standing tradition of “kidnapping” newly accepted members from their dorm rooms last Tuesday night. But the usually lighthearted tradition took an unexpected turn when one new member reportedly misinterpreted the situation as an extreme sexual roleplay, leading... Read more
Couple Breaks Up After White Mountain Server Asks If They’re Paying Together Or Separate

A recent dispute had put the relationship on thin ice, according to Lynn — almost as thin as the ice cream of White Mountain’s competitors.

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The New England Classic’s Summer Vacation Travel Guide: Chicago
Chicago. The Twindy Cities. From the Sioux for “Italians need not apply,” Chi-na-town is the perfect spot for a surprise summer getaway. With at least four and a half restaurants and a record-108 years without a single Italian in public office, planning a trip to the city can seem... Read more
“Hey, How Was Your Brake?” Asks Guy Inquiring About Roommate’s Car Inspection
IGNACIO HALL—Jeff Lube (MCAS ’19) received some interesting information yesterday when he asked his roommate how his brake was after getting his car inspected. “It was pretty good, actually,” responded Gary Michaels-Croswell (CSOM ’19). “Oil needed to be changed and had to get a headlight replaced, but other than... Read more
Perfectly Healthy Freshman Male Sure Is Going Through A Lot Of Tissues
MEDEIROS HALL C39 — On Wednesday, Richard Holder (MCAS ’22) noticed that his roommate Jack Offner (CSOM ’22) had an abundance of used tissues in the wastebasket beside his bed. Despite the large number of tissues, Offner seems completely free of cold or flu symptoms. “Maybe he’s just crying... Read more