The New England Classic
Student In Write-Up Meeting Says “I like beer”
WALSH HALL — During his write-up meeting with Walsh Resident Director Diana Steinfein, pre-law student Brad Chadanaugh (MCAS ‘21) reportedly responded to a question about his drinking habits by saying that he “drank beer with his friends, liked beer, and still likes beer.” Steinfein says she discusses drinking habits... Read more
Freshman Gets Sinking Feeling He’s Only Friend Of Utility
NEWTON CAMPUS — After hanging out with his roommate throughout every Welcome Week activity, Steven Palmer (MCAS ‘22) has reportedly become worried that their relationship is more mutually-beneficial than he originally imagined. “We just clicked at first, you know? We talked about our lives before BC, and found out... Read more
Study Finds That 100% Of CoRo Residents Can “Sleep On My Couch Any Time”
WALSH HALL — Late Saturday night, Chris Naughton (CSOM ’21), of Walsh 705, learned that one of his close acquaintances and frequenters of his “lit” Walsh pre-games was a resident of Roncalli Hall on College Road. Upon discovering this, Naughton expressed his pity and told Mike DiGiacomo (MCAS ’21)... Read more
REPORT: Mom Just Didn’t Think You Were The “Weed-Smoking” Type
CHEVERUS HALL — Following an investigation of your underwear drawer and a tight-lipped discussion with Dad, a report published on Friday indicates that Mom just didn’t think you were the “weed-smoking type.” While settling in for their Parents’ Weekend visit, Mom reportedly opened your bureau to make sure you’d... Read more
Student Reminds Friends Not To Swear This Weekend
WALSH HALL — Local student Brad Jones (MCAS ‘21) issued a general warning to his roommates today: don’t swear in front of his mom and dad, or else they’ll yell at him later. This announcement comes after last Wednesday’s revelation that the Jones family would be taking the entire... Read more
REPORT: Biology Majors Really Just Want The Carbon Cycle To Reclaim Them At This Point
HIGGINS HALL — A group of biology majors were recently found lying face down in the lawn surrounding the Saint Ignatius statue. Seen screaming into the grass awaiting the sweet release of death, the students had reportedly just taken their first organic chemistry exam. Similar to decomposing leaves in... Read more
RD Uses Fire Drill As Chance To Streak Through Building
90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — The fire drill that occurred Tuesday evening began normally, as disheveled students shuffled outside while emergency vehicles appeared on-site to check rooms. The night took an interesting twist, however, when Resident Director Ted Michaels reportedly ripped off his clothes and tore down the... Read more
Boston College Officially Named State School Of New Jersey
TRENTON, N.J. — Fulfilling a campaign promise to provide greater educational opportunities for the people of his state, New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy announced on Tuesday that Boston College would officially be recognized as a state school of New Jersey. “It’s something that we’ve been mulling over for a... Read more
“I’m Definitely The Mom Of The Group,” Reports Woman Giving Birth In Walsh Hallway
WALSH HALL — It was reported late Saturday night that Boston College sophomore, Mary Beaufor-Sax, went into labor in a corridor of Walsh Hall. Before she left for school, many of her small-town peers from Nazareth, Pa., were skeptical of what this single, college-aged woman would be able to... Read more
Boston College To Protect Students With Juul Citizenship As FDA Ban Approaches
DEVLIN BATHROOM — With the rise of e-cigarettes among young adults and children, the Food and Drug Administration plans to instate a ban against e-nicotine products, most notably Juuls. Boston College has responded to this looming ban by announcing its own plan to protect its Juul Citizens: the administration has... Read more