The New England Classic
Spooky: Mike@Mac Is Your New Stepdad
McELROY COMMONS— Senior Stephen Kelly (‘21) got more than he paid for at his most recent trip to McElroy Commons. Kelly, who usually frequents Lower Dining Hall or his own 2150 Kitchen, found himself in the Upper campus eatery to grab a quick chicken and two sides after his... Read more
Spooky: BC Bookstore Sale Offering 20% Off Your Life Expectancy

I felt a phantasm of my mother’s being beckoning me, like a tether to this corporeal realm, and as she called me back from the darkness, she whispered, ‘Get your father and I “BC Mom and Dad” fleece jackets, sweetie.

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Pumpkin Sues BC EMS For Botched Surgery
GABELLI HALL — Dreams of a blissful thot-umn were thrown into uncertainty when news broke that Doctorina Miami (CSON ‘22), Vice President of Boston College EMS, was being sued for medical malpractice and emotional distress by a pumpkin she carved earlier this week. “I was just trying to be... Read more
New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️
STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more
Hold The Phone: Molly Has A New Bitch
GASSON QUAD — The undergraduate population was buzzing with excitement on Wednesday when campus fixture Molly the Dog was spotted with a much younger black labrador named Maisie. After rumors circulated that Molly was about to take a long trip to a farm upstate, she reached out to The... Read more
Woah! Helicopter!
BOSTON COLLEGE — The Classic received a stream of reports about helicopters hovering over campus this morning, an event aerophile communities consider both “gratuitous aerial distraction” and “still super cool”.   The sight left many speechless, but one junior captured the experience vividly. “So I was just like in my... Read more
Cardboard Cutouts File Out Of Alumni At Halftime

“If I can contribute to the team by giving them the familiar sense of an empty stadium at halftime, regardless of the score, just so we can all go home and do literally nothing, well I’m happy to do it.”

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7% Tuition Increase Used to Give CSOM Students Special Snacks

“With enough preparation, they should be able eat like grown-ups by the time they make it to the break room at Goldman Sachs.”

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Joy Moore Releases New Statement Blaming You, Specifically

“There’s one person at fault here. It’s not me, it’s not the administration, it’s just one person,” she told us, referring to You.

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Top Ten Campus Spots To Cover Your Little Head And Submit To The Infinite Sadness
Wondering where you can just let the waterworks flow at Boston College? Are you a first-year student who has yet to burst into tears in public? Are you a returning Eagle in need of a new sob spot? Does the crushing weight of your inherited, generational misery weigh upon... Read more