CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — Twelve midshipmen in the Boston College Naval Reserve Officer Training Corp (NROTC) sunk a German U-Boat on Monday. The underwater craft was destroyed following an ambush during the cadets’ Veteran’s Day (Observed)-mandated recreational time. According to reports obtained by The New England Classic, the siege... Read more

2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — On Friday, University Health Services made a groundbreaking step forward in modern medicine: curing freshman Elijah Warren of smallpox using exclusively ibuprofen. Reports indicated that, although Warren’s flu-like symptoms visibly manifested on Monday morning, he was unable to schedule an appointment until Thursday at 8:00... Read more

GASSON HALL — After only spending two weeks on campus, an untreatable virus has officially infected over half of Boston College. Lectures halls everywhere are reportedly filled with the sounds of coughs, sniffles, and sneezes. “At first I was worried I wouldn’t fit in,” stated the virus. “But this... Read more

2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — Over the weekend Boston College Residential Life honored the death of one of their own with a traditional salute. Cannons were fired off the top of Maloney Hall to honor the martyrdom of Resident Assistant Darryl Stills (LGSOE ‘20). Stills was killed during a typical... Read more

STAYER HALL — Matt Harper (CSOM ’20), who recently has been seen on numerous occasions complaining to various friends and acquaintances that he is “absolutely swamped with work this week,” was reportedly free enough to spend the entirety of this past weekend drunk. “Dude, I just have, like, so... Read more

THE RAT — In a surprising move this Thursday, friends of sophomore Mike Hanley collectively agreed that his “hilarious roasts” are really just veiled insults. The epiphany occurred when the friends reminisced about his classic jokes, suddenly realizing they were targeted at each of their insecurities and/or flaws. “Yeah,... Read more

GASSON COMMON — Punctuating their statement with long, pensive draws from their briars, a group of pipe-smoking students presented demands to the University administration on Thursday, citing the need for more sumptuous leather armchairs. The tweed-clad students stood behind a mahogany podium amid wisps of silver-blue smoke and decried... Read more