The New England Classic
Sex
Pro-Life Club Sponsors Baby Petting Zoo

“The Pro-Life Club recently made waves within the BC community after the unveiling of their newest social event: the Baby Petting Zoo, featuring actual human infants ranging in age from 4 months, all the way up to 3 years old.”

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Male Feminist Really Wants To Fu-Focus On BC WLAX

Within this crowd of students who are making a full switch from supporting hockey to lacrosse, is one lonely guy who really just wants to fuck: Matt Riarchy (CSOM ‘26).

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Nation Experiences Egg Shortage After Baldwin Gives Up Sex For Lent

In his statement, Baldwin admitted his decision was not an easy one. Only after he talked to Rhett, the BU Terrier, who decided to give up humping the other student section for Lent, did Baldwin decide to embark on a 40-day journey of self-control.

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LTE: Why Is My “Hookup” Showing Me His Track Highlights?

It started out over our bond for our shared love of running. Yes, he is on the BC Track Team. Yes, I only run when Two Saints gets raided, but I was honestly willing to commit to the bit for the dick.

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Polyamorous Student Is Thrilled You Are Looking For An 8th
UPSIDE DOWN PINEAPPLE — Freshmen, yearning for a common room and non-communal bathroom, are looking for their perfect eight-man. Across campus and Fizz, these students are desperately searching for the final piece to their puzzle. However, at a roommate meet and greet last night, Polly A. Morris (MCAS ‘28)... Read more
Groundhog Saw His Shadow: 6 More Weeks Without Commitment From Situationship

According to Hayter, the ideal targets are emotionally weak and romantically inexperienced, so those employing his methods should look for people with very Catholic upbringings.

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10 Questions The Marriage Pact Missed

“The Classic set out to research: How can we make the Marriage Pact even more accurate? The following are additional questions that would guarantee 100% matches for all students across campus.”

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Did You Feel That? The Earthquake Or My Hookup From The Other Night

The only thing Gasom felt was a little rug burn down there. Little did she know, she would be confronted with this question again walking to class after debriefing her weekend escapades over a Chicken Parm Presser.

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Spooky! “Hallo, Ween!” German Exchange Student Confused About Phallic Holiday

“Zere are so many things zat I vould like to ask about zis unusual celebration of ze penises, starting vith all of zis talk of dressing up for ze occasion”

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Guy You Hooked Up With Just Discovered The Term “Avoidant Attachment Style”

Despite him initiating all forms of intimacy, admitting he has feelings first, and also introducing his parents and peepaw to her at parents’ weekend, Manny Pulator, (CSOM ’26) decided to call things off as he was mid-thrust.

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