The New England Classic
Sex
Spooky! “Hallo, Ween!” German Exchange Student Confused About Phallic Holiday

“Zere are so many things zat I vould like to ask about zis unusual celebration of ze penises, starting vith all of zis talk of dressing up for ze occasion”

Read more
Guy You Hooked Up With Just Discovered The Term “Avoidant Attachment Style”

Despite him initiating all forms of intimacy, admitting he has feelings first, and also introducing his parents and peepaw to her at parents’ weekend, Manny Pulator, (CSOM ’26) decided to call things off as he was mid-thrust.

Read more
Psych Major Cheats on Girlfriend; Explains He “Required Novel Stimuli”

Using his Walsh dorm as the testing grounds, Pist conducted a classic A/B test “to explore my reaction to novel stimuli in an intimate setting”.

Read more
BC’s Legal Lineup: Predictions for Who’s Diving into the Swim & Dive Legal Battle

After getting a team suspension due to hazing, BC Swim & Dive is lawyered up and ready for action. As BC prepares to defend itself,  the Classic has acquired a leaked list of finalists for Boston College’s representatives in the legal battle with Swim & Dive.

Read more
BC Alcohol Compliance Officer Ranked First in Jobs That Will Definitely Get You Laid

U.S. News posted the rankings this past week with The New England Classic Staff Writer and Monster Truck Driver coming in positions two and three, respectively. Both of those positions pull more sexual partners than all other jobs with the exception of Alcohol Compliance Officer.

Read more
Golden Jesuit: Father Leahy Trades Collar for C*nd*ms

“Once a man of God, now a God of love. This prim and proper priest who has spent the majority of his life being a figurehead at Boston College is ready to trade that position for a more pleasurable one”

Read more
Super Original Girl Says  “Why He Kinda…” Towards Every  Dad During Parents Weekend

“She keeps pointing out these ugly ass old men and saying they’re hot,” said Oyed. “Like, yeah it was funny the first time, but now it’s just getting annoying and weird.”

Read more
Your Friend Who Puts Herself In Dangerous Situations With Strange Men Is “Totally A Samantha”
CORCORAN COMMONS — Sex icons. When those words are heard, Samantha Jones, the backbone of hit show Sex and The City, often comes to mind. However, one unsuspecting student, Ah Loof (CSOM ‘24) made the mistake of sharing her relationship troubles with her friend who is a Classic writer.... Read more
Telling People Your ACT Score, And 10 More Surefire Ways To Protect Your Virginity

You got a 34 (35 superscore) and everyone else who got into the same university as you NEEDS to know it. Find a way to drop it into conversation even if it doesn’t relate to the topic at hand!

Read more
SPOOKY: I Got Sent TOO Many Condomgrams

Talherpes soon came to understand that her boyfriend was sending her these candy bags filled with cryptic messages about her sexual health. For Talherpes, the condomgrams quickly lost their shine and became signs of a potential medical emergency.

Read more