The New England Classic
Sex
Local Dandelion Slut Blows Every Blossom In Town

“We get that it’s Earth Day and all,” said Connie Serned (CSON ’23), “but Jesus Christ, I watched him lick a dandelion slowly from top to bottom yesterday on the grass outside of Lower. That can’t be right.”

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WTF: BC GET Pizza Boy Won’t Accept Sex As Payment

“I opened the door and expected him to swoon at my advances but instead, he kept insisting that I had already paid for the pizza and that I was being wildly inappropriate. Whatever. He missed out on the pure paradise of my body strewn with rubbery cheese,” Narah explained.

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Wait, Are People Still Having Sex?
CHESTNUT HILL—In recent days, alarming reports filed all over campus have shed new light on a previously unknown trend that apparently has affected the entire academic year: students have been having sex this entire time. The New England Classic inquired further in order to assess the veracity of these... Read more
University Approves Pine Manor Conjugal Visits

“We want to take this opportunity to support our married students in their quest to be fruitful and multiply, even if they might have COVID-19.”

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March Madness: Roommate Has Stage 3 Syphilis
WALSH HALL — Spring fever took on a whole new meaning Sunday when Michael Lennon (CSOM ’23) was diagnosed with tertiary syphilis by University Health Services. The news came after weeks of erratic behavior by Lennon that concerned his friends and peers.  Lennon initially disregarded his symptoms, writing off... Read more
Girl Barefoot In Bathroom Definitely Has Kinky Sex

“She talks about ‘impact play’ a lot but I just assumed it was some kind of workout, like HIIT or something.”

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Opinion: Strip Mod Must Go On, Even If It’s a Private Little Show Just For Me
Throughout the fall semester, far too many beloved Boston College traditions have been postponed, doomed to rot on the shelf until further notice. But if I could make a plea to ensure one tradition continues this semester, it would be this: Strip Mod must go on, even if it’s... Read more
Op-Ed: I Am Madly In Love With The Single Weird Tiny Fully Finished Piece of The Schiller Center

For weeks, I’d spend my days sitting in its shadow telling it about my day or just admiring its smooth, supple stone and powerful frame. The courageous independence of its existence.

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Fuckboy Would Date You If It Weren’t For “Everything Going on Right Now”

“Marley later clarified that he does not believe COVID-19 will impact his ability to hook up with you, just his emotional availability. As Boston College cracked down on the number of guests allowed in each place of residence, Marley felt it was only right to enforce a strict no-sleepover policy at his place starting Saturday. “

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New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️
STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more