The New England Classic
Sex
New Study Finds 32% of Freshmen Lose Virginity While Wearing Agape Latte Shirt

Boston College Sex Freshmen

Read more
Spooky! My Girlfriend Must Be A Vampire Because She Keeps Leaving Bite Marks On My Roommate’s Neck
Halloween has always been a time of year filled with spooks, scares and surprises, but none have ever been quite as startling as this: my girlfriend of two years is a vampire.  I know it sounds strange, but there’s no other explanation. My suspicions started about a month ago... Read more
Freshman Relieved To Discover Sex Is Banned In Campus Dorms
DUCHESNE EAST—After actually deciding to read the Boston College housing policy, Jack McElroy (MCAS ‘23) was elated to discover that sex is banned in campus dorms. The policy, which states that “sexual activity between or among members of the same or opposite sex is prohibited in the residence halls,”... Read more
Feminism Win: This Woman Slept With Her Professor To Get A Better Grade, But Didn’t Let Him Finish
STOKES HALL 324S — Late Monday evening, young feminist Natasha Meyer (CSOM ’21) delivered a major blow to the patriarchy by sleeping with her professor to receive a better grade on an exam — without letting him finish.  After receiving a failing midterm grade, Meyer wasted no time in... Read more
Innocent Virgin Grass Gets Pounded By 2,500 Co-Eds
STOKES LAWN — 2,500 hot college teens had their way with Boston College’s best piece of grass this weekend at the annual Stokes Set concert. Never before have we seen grass get slammed like this.  Hugh Johnson (CSON ‘22) was one of the many students all up in the... Read more
Perfectly Healthy Freshman Male Sure Is Going Through A Lot Of Tissues
MEDEIROS HALL C39 — On Wednesday, Richard Holder (MCAS ’22) noticed that his roommate Jack Offner (CSOM ’22) had an abundance of used tissues in the wastebasket beside his bed. Despite the large number of tissues, Offner seems completely free of cold or flu symptoms. “Maybe he’s just crying... Read more
Regular Old Tyrion Lannister Tries To Turn ‘Thrones’ Conversation Into Sex

“I’ve actually been thinking a lot about Jorah, in the books he doesn’t really have greyscale because this guy Jon Connington, who’s been escorting Aegon Targaryen around, gets greyscale, so I’m wondering if he’ll be cured and make it to the end. So, can we get out of here, or do you want to hear my thoughts about The Golden Company and the elephants?”

Read more
Priest Confused As To Why Students Are Giving Out Weird Gloves Outside Of Mac
MCELROY HALL — This past Friday, as he was strolling down Commonwealth Avenue, Fr. Rob Trogen, S.J. reportedly encountered two students giving out “weird gloves” outside of the McElroy Dining Hall. According to onlookers, Fr. Trogen appeared confused by the students’ helpful-yet-mischievous demeanor. “Why don’t these gloves have any... Read more
EagleKink Released To Connect Campus Freaks
BOSTON COLLEGE CAREER CENTER — Late last Sunday evening, Boston College administrators introduced EagleKink to the student body, a new extension of popular LinkedIn alternative EagleLink. According to sources, this new software acts as a campus-wide social networking site aimed at connecting students with others interested in alternative sexual... Read more
“I’m Definitely The Mom Of The Group,” Reports Woman Giving Birth In Walsh Hallway
WALSH HALL — It was reported late Saturday night that Boston College sophomore, Mary Beaufor-Sax, went into labor in a corridor of Walsh Hall. Before she left for school, many of her small-town peers from Nazareth, Pa., were skeptical of what this single, college-aged woman would be able to... Read more