The New England Classic
Priest Confused As To Why Students Are Giving Out Weird Gloves Outside Of Mac
MCELROY HALL — This past Friday, as he was strolling down Commonwealth Avenue, Fr. Rob Trogen, S.J. reportedly encountered two students giving out “weird gloves” outside of the McElroy Dining Hall. According to onlookers, Fr. Trogen appeared confused by the students’ helpful-yet-mischievous demeanor. “Why don’t these gloves have any... Read more
EagleKink Released To Connect Campus Freaks
BOSTON COLLEGE CAREER CENTER — Late last Sunday evening, Boston College administrators introduced EagleKink to the student body, a new extension of popular LinkedIn alternative EagleLink. According to sources, this new software acts as a campus-wide social networking site aimed at connecting students with others interested in alternative sexual... Read more
“I’m Definitely The Mom Of The Group,” Reports Woman Giving Birth In Walsh Hallway
WALSH HALL — It was reported late Saturday night that Boston College sophomore, Mary Beaufor-Sax, went into labor in a corridor of Walsh Hall. Before she left for school, many of her small-town peers from Nazareth, Pa., were skeptical of what this single, college-aged woman would be able to... Read more
BC Alternative Senior Fives

BC Alternative Senior Fives

Sex September 5, 2018

Tradition is everything here at Boston College. From our beloved Jesuit values to our fan-favorite football chants (Hoo-Hah!), blindly doing things just because someone has done it before is both fun and easy. Of all these traditions, one of the most popular happens to be the annual “Senior Five”... Read more
OPINION: Sex Must Be A Sin, Because I Was Never Offered Any
By  Fr. Sebastian R. Cocksworth, S.J. There’s been a lot of talk around campus lately about “Hookup Culture,” and what its place should be in a modern Catholic university. As a long-serving member of the Jesuit community here at Boston College, I would like to politely remind all our... Read more
An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy
After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. The following account is entirely factual, but all names and fluids have been removed... Read more
Perpetual Penis Monologues Taking Place On First Floor Fitzaga
FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies... Read more
Girlfriend Says “We Need To Be Men And Women For Seeing Other People”

“I can’t believe she just decided to set our relationship aflame like that.”

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A True Patriot: This Professor Is Honoring JFK’s Memory By Cheating On His Wife
54 years ago this month, the course of world history was changed forever when President John F. Kennedy was cut down by an assassin’s bullet in Dallas, Texas. While more than half a century has passed since that tragic November morning, the memory of the charming, charismatic president lives... Read more
Guy Who Has Had Sex Twice In Three Years Doesn’t Want To Be Exclusive
CORCORAN COMMONS — Ariana Sommariva (CSON ‘20) was spotted tearing up over a Lower Live omelette Sunday morning, likely in response to the emotional trauma caused by casual romantic partner John Gilmore (CSOM ‘19). When asked about her condition, Sommariva explained that despite their several romantic dates to El... Read more