Sex Archives | The New England Classic

OPINION: I’m A Water Fountain. Why Don’t You Want To Touch Me Anymore? Hot

Campus Culture Sex September 24, 2020

You’ve passed me hundreds of times, and you’ve touched me more than I can count. I would be lying if I said I didn’t always crave those brief moments of contact between us, your lips close to mine, my fluid draining into your thirsty mouth. Our encounters weren’t always... Read more

Op-Ed: Valentine’s Day Is Over And So Is Premarital Sex

Holidays Opinion Sex February 17, 2020

February 14th, what a magical night. I bet you had a ton of fun having sex, huh? Bet you really enjoyed yourself. Think it’s so fun to disrespect the Lord? Yeah? Well guess what folks! Fuck time is OVER! That’s right, it’s time to hold hands and share one... Read more

New Study Finds 32% of Freshmen Lose Virginity While Wearing Agape Latte Shirt

Campus Culture Sex November 13, 2019

Boston College Sex Freshmen

Spooky! My Girlfriend Must Be A Vampire Because She Keeps Leaving Bite Marks On My Roommate’s Neck

Holidays Sex Spooky October 28, 2019

Halloween has always been a time of year filled with spooks, scares and surprises, but none have ever been quite as startling as this: my girlfriend of two years is a vampire. I know it sounds strange, but there’s no other explanation. My suspicions started about a month ago... Read more

Freshman Relieved To Discover Sex Is Banned In Campus Dorms

Dorm Stuff ResLife Sex October 10, 2019

DUCHESNE EAST—After actually deciding to read the Boston College housing policy, Jack McElroy (MCAS ‘23) was elated to discover that sex is banned in campus dorms. The policy, which states that “sexual activity between or among members of the same or opposite sex is prohibited in the residence halls,”... Read more

Feminism Win: This Woman Slept With Her Professor To Get A Better Grade, But Didn’t Let Him Finish

School Sex Student Life September 25, 2019

STOKES HALL 324S — Late Monday evening, young feminist Natasha Meyer (CSOM ’21) delivered a major blow to the patriarchy by sleeping with her professor to receive a better grade on an exam — without letting him finish. After receiving a failing midterm grade, Meyer wasted no time in... Read more

Innocent Virgin Grass Gets Pounded By 2,500 Co-Eds

Sex Student Life September 23, 2019

STOKES LAWN — 2,500 hot college teens had their way with Boston College’s best piece of grass this weekend at the annual Stokes Set concert. Never before have we seen grass get slammed like this. Hugh Johnson (CSON ‘22) was one of the many students all up in the... Read more

Perfectly Healthy Freshman Male Sure Is Going Through A Lot Of Tissues

Sex Student Life April 18, 2019

MEDEIROS HALL C39 — On Wednesday, Richard Holder (MCAS ’22) noticed that his roommate Jack Offner (CSOM ’22) had an abundance of used tissues in the wastebasket beside his bed. Despite the large number of tissues, Offner seems completely free of cold or flu symptoms. “Maybe he’s just crying... Read more

Regular Old Tyrion Lannister Tries To Turn ‘Thrones’ Conversation Into Sex

Campus Culture Sex April 16, 2019

“I’ve actually been thinking a lot about Jorah, in the books he doesn’t really have greyscale because this guy Jon Connington, who’s been escorting Aegon Targaryen around, gets greyscale, so I’m wondering if he’ll be cured and make it to the end. So, can we get out of here, or do you want to hear my thoughts about The Golden Company and the elephants?”

Priest Confused As To Why Students Are Giving Out Weird Gloves Outside Of Mac

Jesuits Sex February 14, 2019

MCELROY HALL — This past Friday, as he was strolling down Commonwealth Avenue, Fr. Rob Trogen, S.J. reportedly encountered two students giving out “weird gloves” outside of the McElroy Dining Hall. According to onlookers, Fr. Trogen appeared confused by the students’ helpful-yet-mischievous demeanor. “Why don’t these gloves have any... Read more