Eddie Pess (CSOM ’25) reached out to the Classic to talk about his anxieties and to broadcast his plea to the rest of the student body: “Oh gosh, guys. I sure hope nobody fucks my mom.”

“Even though I’m technically blind, I could have sworn I saw the faint outline of their slender pointed head and thinly furred ears. I couldn’t help but take a bite.”

“I don’t really think he understands that two people raw-dogging it on a lab bench is not the same as an embryo grown in a lab.”

“The professor was trying to fill an electrophoresis gel and was just like, ‘Can you see if it went in there?’” said Emma Barrist, a sophomore biology major. “And as if that wasn’t enough, then he goes, ‘You just have to push gently and then release after the second stop, even though I can never tell if it’s all the way in.’”

“I opened the door and expected him to swoon at my advances but instead, he kept insisting that I had already paid for the pizza and that I was being wildly inappropriate. Whatever. He missed out on the pure paradise of my body strewn with rubbery cheese,” Narah explained.