UGBC President Saw Their Shadow, Six More Weeks Until UGBC Statement On ICE

MCELROY BACKROOMS — In an email sent only to alumni, UGBC officially announced a six-week hiatus for “thinking about that ICE stuff,” says President Woan Dewchitt (CSOM ‘26). 

After Punxsutawney Phil declared his shadow seen on Fox News, President Dewchitt was quick to relay the news to the rest of the UGBC senate. In an emoji-filled message sent to the UGBC discord titled “UGBC4LIFE” on Monday, February 2nd, Dewchitt affirmed, “the ICE stuff is gonna have to wait…I don’t make the rules — the beaver does.”

Critics of UGBC have protested that waiting four months to issue an official statement is “absurd” and “outlandish.” Still, UGBC Secretary Red Vohteer (MCAS ‘27) maintains that “it’s all part of the democratic process.” He continued, “We’re all students, we’re all super busy, and this is an extremely contentious issue.”

Vohteer, a communications minor, further pontificated his love for student democracy here at Boston College, “When we take another look at this in six weeks, I am certain we will be able to decide whether or not we should consider putting this into the discussion for having a vote.”

Meanwhile, work has continued in the UGBC Senate chambers. Senior officials told media representatives that “important work is ongoing” and noted that “retreats don’t plan themselves.” In addition, Dewchitt emphasized that “above all else, the UGBC Senate is committed to transparency” and “only posting the meeting minutes that make us look good.” 

At press time, UGBC Senators were taking a room-temperature water break with no ice cubes in sight.

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