TRAGIC: Roommate May Have Voted Libertarian

WALSH HALL — A concerned student reported a growing rift within her 8-man suite, following the close of this tumultuous election season. Emma Harris (MCAS ‘23) told the Classic that one of her roommates had to be kicked out due to political tensions among the girls. 

“We just couldn’t be friends with someone with the imagination and critical thinking skills of an eight-year-old.” said Harris. 

According to Harris, the roommate in question was overheard telling a friend she voted for Libertarian candidate Jo Jorgensen because, in her words, “I don’t like Trump, but I’m also scared about Biden’s tax plan”. Harris said that this roommate adorned her side of the room with a huge, throbbing “No Step on Snek” flag and a shrine to the fictional character Ron Swanson.

In a series of photos leaked by Harris, it was evident that the apartment was an oasis of progressive discourse. An array of posters grace the cinder block walls, touting taglines such as “Hello Kitty Says ACAB” and “Democrats Make Better Lovers”. There even appeared to be a piece of art depicting Claudia Conway (TikTok star and daughter of Kellyanne), captioned “Comrade Claudia: Our Fearless Leftist Rebel Queen”. 

“See?” explained Harris, donning a blue “I’m Still With Her” baseball cap and adjusting a framed “Kennedy/Johnson” poster. “These are real positions, worthwhile opinions. It’s so hard to see out-of-date, ridiculous views like hers making headlines. We haven’t even bothered texting her back for the last few weeks when she asks to come get the rest of her stuff, all we say is ‘No <3’” 

The Classic reached out to Harris’s roommate, who agreed to comment on the condition of her own anonymity. She said, “I’ve done a lot of research and the conclusion I’ve come to is that I’m just socially liberal and fiscally conservative. I know I’m not like most girls, but I just think it’s important to be cognizant of social issues while not actively doing anything to fix them. That’s my mantra.” 

At press time, the anonymous roommate was living in an AirBnb in Brookline. Cozying up in her “Pete 2022” snuggie, Harris added, “I mean, give me a break. Read a book. Just use your damn conscience. Making your whole ‘thing’ be some shit you saw on Twitter is, just, ugh.” 

More Hot Single Sandwiches NEAR YOU:

OPINION: I’m A Feminist, But Don’t Think I Won’t Cry To Get What I Want UGBC Presidential Candidate Found To Have Dangerously Close Ties To Student Government Of Moscow State University Boston College EMS To Cease Kidney Theft Amid Public Outcry Five Things To Talk About Now That The Election Is Over, And They’re All The Rat Line