A recent study conducted by The New England Classic found that approximately 98% of the artifacts housed in Burns Library are merely historical smut. “To be fair, we never really thought anybody would look into it that closely,” said resident librarian Jack Hoff PhD, “it’s simply a fact that most of written history is just porn.”

Known as a world-renowned beacon of journalism, the silencing of The NEC raises alarm bells for free speech advocates and silly goofy girls alike. The ban echoes many of the Trump Administration’s talking points, namely the rejected BBL edit requests and refusal to self-censor hard-hitting journalism like, “Are Freshmen Getting Hotter? This Grad Student Thinks Yes!” and “Pro-Life Club Sponsors Baby Petting Zoo.”