Big Issues Archives | The New England Classic

Letter To Thy Editor: Yes I Support Satan, Have You Seen Hell’s Economy?

Big Issues LTE November 14, 2024

Some support the omniscient and most holy God’s infallible plan for existence. However, they fail to consider the impact on tithes. Why is it that a hard-working king who took the risk to employ hundreds of serfs on his father’s land should be tithed more?

LTE: Dear BC Republicans, We Called You Short, Fat, And Ugly With Grubby Little Rat Hands, Not Racist

Big Issues LTE Opinion November 12, 2024

However, we, as BC students, will not stand with the lies that you posted in your op-ed. We said you were “short, fat, and ugly with grubby little rat hands.” We never called you racist.

Heartbreaking: We Had A Whole Slate Of Articles Set For This Week But The Associated Press Had To Go And Fuck All That Up

Big Issues WTF November 11, 2024

Editors at the Classic watched in horror as several unpublished articles, which we had poured hours of blood, sweat, and tears into, became old, shriveled, and no longer funny right before our very eyes.

Liz Cheney Found Searching Through Upper Dorms, Claims To Find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Big Issues Campus Culture WTF October 28, 2024

WHEREVER THE OIL IS — Former U.S. Representative Liz Cheney is set to speak at the Council for Women at Boston College Colloquium as part of her national tour to make everyone forget the actions of her father, aptly named former Vice President of the United States and Emperor-elect... Read more

Every Gated Community In NY Represented In “Diverse” Class Discussion

Big Issues Campus Culture School October 10, 2024

“What makes us different is what makes us special,” said Shell Turd (CSOM ’28). “I’ve met people from all over the place. I’ve met kids from Oakwood Heights, Pinebridge Estates, Elmton Ranch, and even Maplesden Village all the way out in Westchester!”

Uh Oh! The Professor Whose Class You’re Failing Sat Next to You in the Sauna!

Big Issues WTF October 7, 2024

“But then–lurking from the shadows, my financial accounting professor [Bill Incesheet (CSOM ‘88)] situated his half-naked ass next to me, fresh off a cold call in class, to which I responded with a stuttered mumble and some lightly shat pants.”

Freshman Submits First Paper In Comic Sans, Claiming It Adds Character

Big Issues Freshmen WTF October 2, 2024

“Each font has a different story, and that’s, like, so cool. I just love the visual artistry of it all,” said Turner, who left her entire paper formatted in a single paragraph.

Classmate With Red Bandana On Backpack Wouldn’t Even Hold The Door For You

Big Issues Campus Culture Sports September 19, 2024

“Most of those who tie a bandana to their backpack honor Welles’ heroic legacy. However, some students who do it can’t remember their last act of service for anybody other than themselves.”

BC Ranked 189th In Free Speech: 10 Things You Can Now Say

Big Issues Featured September 17, 2024

BC is a free speech friendly campus! Boston College was recently ranked 189th out of 257 colleges and universities for free speech on campus. BC is proud to be ranked above universities such as Gulag State and Censorship Polytechnic.

Gassy Gasson Renovations, Bells Ring When Someone Passes Gas

Big Issues Campus Culture WTF September 16, 2024

Originally set for every quarter of the hour, the bells now ring every time someone passes gas. Even worse, an announcement echoes throughout the halls, sharing the name of who dealt it with the entire campus.