The New England Classic
Pro-Life Club Sponsors Baby Petting Zoo

“The Pro-Life Club recently made waves within the BC community after the unveiling of their newest social event: the Baby Petting Zoo, featuring actual human infants ranging in age from 4 months, all the way up to 3 years old.”

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10 Tariffs To Be Enacted Over The Next Month

The New England Classic gained special access to a look at 10 of the most extreme tariffs to be enacted over the next month.

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Phew! Pre-Med Man Has Some Advice For Your Period Cramps!

Plainer shared her appreciation: “I never would’ve thought to take Advil for my period. Thank goodness there was a future doctor.”

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UGBC President Signs 17 Executive Orders On First Day of Administration

In line with global political trends, the administration plans to implement projects that, in the words of one genius commentator, “make shit fucking suck even more than it already does”

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Inspired By Trump’s New Immigration Policies, Leahy Creates A Newton Travel Ban

“They come in here and steal everything,” said Nobe Itches, an Upper Campus freshman (CSOM ‘28). “They steal our food, our seats in class, and worst of all, they snatch our huzz.”

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Students So Happy Underdeveloped Country Was So Cheap

“Where I was, a margarita was four dollars and I didn’t even have to tip. It’s just so awesome how they all get paid a livable wage.”

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Fr. Butler Clarifies Last Name Not Due To Affinity For Service But Elitist Beliefs

As Butler expounded on his life story, his motivations became clear. In kindergarten he was helping hold silver spoons in the mouths of trust fund kids, writing Santa to ask him to give his gift allotment to ExxonMobil, and drafting petitions in Sunday School asking the Pope to request a class system in Heaven.

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As DEI Initiatives Unravel, BC Adds More Stairs

“When there were ramps and stuff, it was such a challenge,” recalled Meath Ed (CSOM ’27), “it doesn’t really make sense how they work. Like how do I go up when there’s not a platform for me to step on?”

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Groundhog Saw His Shadow: 6 More Weeks Without Commitment From Situationship

According to Hayter, the ideal targets are emotionally weak and romantically inexperienced, so those employing his methods should look for people with very Catholic upbringings.

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Trump To Rename Stokes Lawn “Lawn of America”

However, when cruising across the lawn, Trump was appalled with the fact that Boston College, a school with so many of his supporters, would name such a pillar of campus after the wretched pursuit of liberal arts.

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