The New England Classic
Inspired By Trump’s New Immigration Policies, Leahy Creates A Newton Travel Ban

“They come in here and steal everything,” said Nobe Itches, an Upper Campus freshman (CSOM ‘28). “They steal our food, our seats in class, and worst of all, they snatch our huzz.”

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Students So Happy Underdeveloped Country Was So Cheap

“Where I was, a margarita was four dollars and I didn’t even have to tip. It’s just so awesome how they all get paid a livable wage.”

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Fr. Butler Clarifies Last Name Not Due To Affinity For Service But Elitist Beliefs

As Butler expounded on his life story, his motivations became clear. In kindergarten he was helping hold silver spoons in the mouths of trust fund kids, writing Santa to ask him to give his gift allotment to ExxonMobil, and drafting petitions in Sunday School asking the Pope to request a class system in Heaven.

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As DEI Initiatives Unravel, BC Adds More Stairs

“When there were ramps and stuff, it was such a challenge,” recalled Meath Ed (CSOM ’27), “it doesn’t really make sense how they work. Like how do I go up when there’s not a platform for me to step on?”

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Groundhog Saw His Shadow: 6 More Weeks Without Commitment From Situationship

According to Hayter, the ideal targets are emotionally weak and romantically inexperienced, so those employing his methods should look for people with very Catholic upbringings.

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Trump To Rename Stokes Lawn “Lawn of America”

However, when cruising across the lawn, Trump was appalled with the fact that Boston College, a school with so many of his supporters, would name such a pillar of campus after the wretched pursuit of liberal arts.

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Holy Kaiju! Democrats Unveil Mecha Luther King Jr. Ahead Of Trump Inauguration

While it is unclear what kind of deal will be brokered between the US Government and King Ghidorah, conspiracy theories have gripped the nation about the impending Kaiju battle.

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Letter To Thy Editor: Yes I Support Satan, Have You Seen Hell’s Economy?

Some support the omniscient and most holy God’s infallible plan for existence. However, they fail to consider the impact on tithes. Why is it that a hard-working king who took the risk to employ hundreds of serfs on his father’s land should be tithed more?

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LTE: Dear BC Republicans, We Called You Short, Fat, And Ugly With Grubby Little Rat Hands, Not Racist

However, we, as BC students, will not stand with the lies that you posted in your op-ed. We said you were “short, fat, and ugly with grubby little rat hands.” We never called you racist.

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Heartbreaking: We Had A Whole Slate Of Articles Set For This Week But The Associated Press Had To Go And Fuck All That Up

Editors at the Classic watched in horror as several unpublished articles, which we had poured hours of blood, sweat, and tears into, became old, shriveled, and no longer funny right before our very eyes.

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