Boston College EMS To Cease Kidney Theft Amid Public Outcry

CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Stating that the gruesome habit no longer reflects what the organization stands for, Boston College Emergency Medical Services (BC EMS) reported Monday morning that it will cease stealing the kidneys of inebriated students. While it intends to continue providing hospital transportation and other services for the student body, the organization now views organ theft as a part of the past. “BC EMS has a proud history of lifting the occasional kidney,” a high-ranking EMT told reporters, “but some things are better left in the past.”

This decision comes at a time of record-low approval ratings for the organization. Over the last month, more than ten Boston College students have come forward with chilling stories of waking up missing a kidney after being transported to St. Elizabeth’s hospital.

Nina Simone (CSOM, ’19) spoke to a Classic reporter about her harrowing night. “So, I ended up leaving the the Mods kind of early that night, because I got a little too drunk. I stumble back into Stayer, make it into the elevator, see my RA, and throw up everywhere. Next thing you know, I’m in a hospital bed with a wicked headache and a 6-inch cut in my stomach. Worst party ever.”

Detractors of BC EMS claim that organ theft is a violation of Jesuit values. As one Jesuit put it, “How would St. Ignatius have felt if he had taken a cannonball to the leg only to wake up one kidney shy of a saint?”  

A similar spotlight was recently shined on University Health Services, which was the subject of an investigation surrounding accusations of hoarding drugs, with the exception of Tylenol. Earlier this week, after a BC EMS employee was seen exchanging a paper bag oozing a red liquid for an envelope, major campus media outlets were forced to break the story. The atmosphere surrounding on-campus medical services encouraged victims of BC EMS to come forward, and sparked a school-wide dialogue on medical ethics.

At press time, freshmen on both Newton and Upper campuses were drinking heavily to celebrate the prospect of a risk-free hospital transportation.

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