Physics Major Asks Lab Partner To “Torque” On It

HIGGINS HALL — While most U.S. women are looking for “a man in finance, trust fund, 6’5, blue eyes,” recent polling shows Boston College women have completely flipped this CSOM-centered narrative. In a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, a majority of BC women indicated they were most interested in men in STEM disciplines, calling them “some of the most rizzful young men to grace this campus.” Women cited their “pheromone-coated musk, narcissistic personality disorder, and dismissal of all non-STEM disciplines” as getting them dripping wetter than the titrations they just haphazardly completed in the Merkert basement. In particular, Boston College physics majors are known as total catches, consistently making girls “snap, crackle, and pop.” Safe to say, their experimental derivation of the clit continues to be precise and accurate. 

This fundamental truth is the main reason why general physics labs no longer require goggles; instructors became far too frustrated with the constant fogging of the lenses of their female students. We caught up with a current Physics Lab I student, Apple G. Newton (MCAS ’28), about her experience dating in Higgins Hall. Newton explained to the New England Classic, “I was flirting with this guy in physics lab—and oh my gawd, his goatee was so hot—anyways, he literally asked me to ‘torque’ on it. We exchanged numbers, and now he’s bringing me to see his Nanofabrication Clean Room later tonight.”

Newton later reached out to tell the Classic staff that “Nothing clean happened in the room that night, and there was nothing ‘nano’ about his vector. The way he moved it had magnitude AND direction.” 

Other women in STEM have reported similar experiences with “Higgins Hunks.” In the biology department, Sarah-Macy Cerevisiae (MCAS ’29) said her Introduction to Molecular Biology lab partners were complete flirts. Cerevisiae explained how one partner asked if he “could germinate” her this weekend, and the other lab partner let her know his micropipette was a P-1000. They then went on to delete her lab data and told her to focus on using her phone and watching cute animal videos (Cerevisiae is a Gabelli Scholar with a 4.0). 

How this new polling will impact the flirting techniques of humanities bros remains to be seen. However, the Classic has kindly compiled a list of pick up lines to utilize according to your major. 

1. Economics: “Call my dong compound interest the way it keeps growing exponentially.”
2. History: “Call me Martin Luther, because I’m about to nail my theses to your door.”
3. Political Science: “On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?”
4. Women and Gender Studies: “Hi.”
5. Theology: “Your body is a temple, let me be the priest?”

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