Bookstore Sends Official Statement On 1919 Anglo-Irish War, Also A 25% Off Coupon On A Hat
BOSTON COLLEGE BOOKSTORE — This week, the Boston College Bookstore broke a longstanding precedent of apolitical neutrality when they released an official statement on the clash between Irish Republicans and the British Government, which ended nearly 100 years ago, in their routine email blast to the student body. The email— whose subject line read “Bookstore Blast: Did The Brits Get A Bad Rap?”— also included a coupon for a beanie that comes in three different colors.
When asked why the bookstore had chosen now, nearly a century after a ceasefire had been brokered between the belligerents, to release a statement, Tom Dinklebick, VP of Marketing, said, “Well, I was trolling through my YouTube feed and a Vox video about Ireland popped up. I only watched the first three and a half minutes while taking a shit, but during that time I gained a profound sense of understanding on the great importance of both the British cultural identity AND the many benefits of being a dominion state of the United Kingdom!”
Overhearing this, nearby history major Jeb “The Italian Scallion” Petrol (MCAS ’21) replied, “Ay guy, watching a five minute video for smooth-brained lizards completely oversimplifies the geopolitical and religious tensions that have caused friction between the peoples of Ireland and England for decades, you absolute homunculus, huh? What are you, some kinda wise guy? The Cogadh na Saoirse was a defining conflict of the 20th century. After 800 years of oppression, the need for a separate, united Irish republic is stronger even today than it was in the ‘20s, capisce?”
Petrol was later seen checking out with his purchase of two beanies using the 25% off coupon, one in maroon and one in a tasteful burgundy, which he felt was “chic as fuck.”