CSOM Announces New “Pay-For-Grade” Initiative
THE BEAN COUNTER — Small men in suits with shoulders that extend just a little too far for the men to fill out mill about, lounging. Another sect of students is adorned in Vineyard Vines, docksiders, and an array of business casual shorts in all manner of pastels. They look quietly down at the suited men from the floor above and snicker. The suits, in turn, point to the Vines and shake their heads. There is an air of fragile self-importance. The suit people laugh at tacky jokes in a way that, like their suits, is somehow ill-fitting and cumbersome. It is as if they are trying desperately to fill up as much space as possible. The Vines, on the other hand, exude a kind of gross, forced, haughty restraint. It seems as if some muscle in their face is always straining so as to not smile too broadly. Many people exhibit bulging forehead veins. To the outsider, it comes off as strange and slightly mechanical. To the insider, it is a familiar show of community and belonging.
Welcome to business school, baby.
Boston College just announced a new initiative within the Carroll School of Management where students simply receive whatever grade they can pay for. This effectively nullifies the need for activities deemed too “archaic” or “analog” to be of use in the workplace, such as studying, performing research, attending classes, or any other kind of bookish, overly academic endeavors.
Thomas “Mr. Monopoly Guy” Mugs, a spokesperson for the Carroll School, said, “We here at the business school believe it is our fundamental and, dare I say, fiduciary duty to first and foremost prepare our students for the brutal realities of the corporate workforce. For a long time, we’ve been in denial about how poorly our traditional approach to business-minded education actually translates into adult life. The truth is, it’s more beneficial for everyone involved if we just let students buy their grades! It’s like, uh . . . what’s that science-y mumbo jumbo about, like, crocodiles and that one bird guy that hangs out with the crocodile? Sympathetic? Symbiosis? Sycophant? You know what I’m talking about. It’s one of those big ‘s’ words. Syphilis. Anyway, we get more money, and they get better grades. Plus, none of those companies actually care what our students know. To tell you the truth, sometimes I think they just throw darts at a big board full of nonsense and call that consulting, so it all works out in the end.”
“Honestly, I think it’s a great change!” said Cameron Dithers (CSOM ’23). “Freshman year I really struggled with my econ classes. My dad got so pissed that he threatened to cut my summering in France a week shorter than usual. Now that I can just pay for my grades, I’ve felt this huge weight lifted from my soul, you know?”
In his response to what the paid-to-grade calculation looks like, Mugs noted that the chart scales with income so that the university can wring you (re: your parents) and your wallet (re: your parents’ wallet) for every possible penny.
Cameron Dithers, whose father is a hedge fund manager, for example, said he felt $13,000 for an A in Managerial Statistics was an “absolute steal!” When asked who exactly was stealing from whom, Dithers made no comment, opting rather to cough politely into his fist.