The New England Classic
Jeff Hafley Changes BC Football Slogan To “Everyone’s A Winner”

The players seem to have a positive outlook on next year’s season. According to a survey distributed by The Classic, the team describes the upcoming rebrand as “cool, I guess,” “what does rebrand mean,” and “as long as i get the scooter idc.”

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Dennis Grosel’s Dad Complains To Jeff Hafley About Son’s Playing Time

When questioned, Dennis Senior was open to speaking on the topic, “Yeah I spoke to the Ol’ Haf. I showed him Lil Denny’s highlight reel from St. Ignatius High School. Since I was already there, I offered up some plays that I used in college when I was a walk-on defensive end in ’87.”

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Students Honor Welles By Tying Bandannas Around Their Tits

Young women were seen far and wide sporting the popularized dress of the Red Bandanna game: a bandanna forced, stretched, and morphed against its will into a sorry excuse for a shirt.

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Hafley Wants You To Give Morehead … A Chance

“The guys need Morehead. He’s a natural leader and will definitely come in handy. I think he’ll really loosen them up and get the juices flowing. There’s natural chemistry there. He may be the secret ingredient to finally arouse our boys.”

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Jerry York Really Just 1300 Peppermint Patties In A Human Suit

Some staff members have been arguing that being made of chocolate makes you unqualified to coach a premier Division I hockey program, yet the players seem to be attracted to his unique method.

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Hafley Personally Nurses Players Back To Health

Adorned in maroon scrubs, Hafley addressed the Boston College community via Instagram Live late last night and committed himself to assuming personal responsibility for Jurkovec’s recovery. Hafley gently stirred chicken noodle soup as he declared the steps he would be taking to heal Jurkovec’s hand to thousands of viewers.

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Happy For Him: The Guy That Left Us a Year Ago Is Experiencing Great Success

We enjoyed the time we had together, and trust us, there is no bad blood between us. Everything happens for a reason, right? We have been taking this opportunity to focus on ourselves and it has been really rewarding.

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Cancel Culture Comes For Baldwin’s Big Naturals

“Sadly, it has come to my attention that Baldwin’s voluptuous, feathery bazongas have become the subject of criticism,”  Leahy said. “I just want to remind students that acknowledging the positive social and spiritual impact of our mascot’s humongous honkers is a key component to being men and women for others.”

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Jim Christian Relieved To Be Jim Atheist Again

Though many would have been distressed over the prospect of a job search during the pandemic, Atheist was grateful for the chance to return to his born surname.

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10 Nasty Things About Jeff Hafley That We Just Made Up
THE NEC NEWSROOM, ONTARIO, CANADA — Now folks, if we may, we’d like to be straight with you for a moment. Here at The New England Classic, we’ve made a killing on the gaffes Boston College’s top people make each day. But god damn it, we just can’t find... Read more