Sports Archives | The New England Classic

10 Nasty Things About Jeff Hafley That We Just Made Up

Campus Culture Sports November 6, 2020

THE NEC NEWSROOM, ONTARIO, CANADA — Now folks, if we may, we’d like to be straight with you for a moment. Here at The New England Classic, we’ve made a killing on the gaffes Boston College’s top people make each day. But god damn it, we just can’t find... Read more

“Hey, You Guys Almost Beat Clemson!” Reports Uncle

Sports November 2, 2020

“This was the first message between the two in four months, save for a Washington Examiner article about college students joining “Marxist organizations” in which McGuinness had tagged his niece.”

Cardboard Cutouts File Out Of Alumni At Halftime

Coronavirus Sports Student Life September 28, 2020

“If I can contribute to the team by giving them the familiar sense of an empty stadium at halftime, regardless of the score, just so we can all go home and do literally nothing, well I’m happy to do it.”

Jerry York To Direct Pirates Of The Caribbean On Ice

Sports February 10, 2020

CONTE FORUM — In a press conference earlier this week, Martin Jarmond announced that Jerry York would be the director of the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean On Ice. The musical, icy adaptation will premiere in the spring in Conte Forum at the conclusion of the hockey season. “I’ve... Read more

Martin Jarmond Kills Baldwin, Replaces With Baby Baldwin

Sports WTF February 3, 2020

Like what you see? Get yer fixin’ with our Spring Print Edition, coming to a silent library near you! Read more

Addazio Accepts Coaching Job At FSU, May Miss FSU Game

Addazio Sports November 8, 2019

YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — In the wake of Florida State University head football coach Willie Taggert’s firing last week, speculation has swirled about who the program will bring in to replace him. The New England Classic can now confidently report that current Boston College head football coach, Steve Addazio,... Read more

Addazio Seen In Tears After Being Confused For Man In Mr. Potato Head Costume

Addazio Holidays Sports November 4, 2019

YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio was reportedly seen crying late Saturday night outside the Yawkey Athletic Center after a mistaken passerby complimented the head coach on his “spot-on Mr. Potato Head costume,” despite the fact he was not wearing one. “I can’t believe... Read more

BC Bookstore Announces Jerry York Coffin Collection

Campus Culture Sports October 2, 2019

McELROY COMMONS — Capitalizing on the success of the Martin Jarmond clothing collection, the Boston College Bookstore unveiled its new “Jerry York Coffins” earlier this week. When asked for comment, Bookstore officials said the move was a no-brainer. “We know what the BC community wants,” said Bookstore manager William... Read more

Total Plug: Dad Gives Sophomore Sip Of Beer During Game

Drinking Sports Student Life September 30, 2019

ALUMNI FIELD — Underage sophomore Harry “Heavyweight” Holmes had his entire weekend made when his cool father agreed to share a sip of his beer with him at the game on Saturday. After tailgating in the Robsham parking lot, where eyewitnesses claim they saw Heavyweight sneaking some drinks behind... Read more

Shocking: 23andMe Results Reveal Baldwin The Eagle Is 12% Hawk

Sports Student Life September 17, 2019

The test results also showed trace amounts of falcon and beagle. BC students reported feeling “shocked”, “upset”, and “aroused.”