The New England Classic
OP-ED: Whoever Read My OIP Application, I Hope You Study Abroad In Hell

“I wish you the best of luck, as you painstakingly request a copy of your transcript and forward it to Midas, the foul judiciary of Pluto’s wicked court.”

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How to Break Up With Your Significant Other Before Add/Drop Ends

Whether you’re a freshman looking to secure the perfect professors for your first major classes, a senior looking for an “easy-A” elective, or Katie finally deciding to dump that douchebag Garrett, add/drop is crucial to making the rest of the semester go smoothly.

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Kid Farts

Kid Farts

FreezerStudent Life January 18, 2019

COMMONWEALTH AVENUE — According to several witnesses, Jaymes Bennington (LSOE ’20), farted on the Commonwealth Avenue bus at approximately 11:40 PM Thursday, January 17th. One witness described a disturbing rumble coming from the rear stairwell after several riders entered the bus at the Reservoir stop. Although unidentified at the... Read more
Local Satire Paper Officially Out Of Ideas
CARNEY HALL — According to recent insider reports, Boston College’s only satire publication, The New England Classic, has officially run out of ideas. This revelation comes after an 11-year string of news stories, sketch videos, and football coach video games which some are calling “questionable work, at best.” Yesterday, an... Read more
CAB Holding Auditions For O’Neill Plaza Christmas Tree

This year’s contenders include Bjorn, a Norway spruce; Elrik, a Douglas fir; Gustav, a Lodgepole pine; and Alex (CSOM ‘19), a marketing major.

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Student Tour Guide Also Walks Backwards To Class
GASSON QUAD — A number of Boston College students reported feelings of bewilderment Monday morning  when Student Admission Program tour guide Devon Lin (MCAS ‘19) was seen walking backwards to class. “It was crazy,” said eyewitness sophomore Stewart Dent. “He traversed the entire campus without even looking behind him.... Read more
Student Mistakes Excessive Laptop Stickers For Having A Personality
MCGUINN HALL — On Thursday, the Boston College Psychology Department released a study which concluded that there is a direct correlation between the number of stickers on a person’s laptop and the perception of the stickers as a part of his or her identity. After placing a collection of... Read more
Junior Loses Odds, Drops Out Of BC
LYONS HALL — Tomorrow, Quincy Fitzgerald (CSOM ‘20) will submit a withdrawal form to Boston College Student Services after losing a game of odds, 1 to 1000. Fitzgerald and his roommates, Corbin Godfrey (CSOM ‘20) and Preston Graham (LSOE ‘20), hosted a pre-game at their house on Foster Street... Read more
Naval ROTC Subdues Reservoir U-Boat Invasion
CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — Twelve midshipmen in the Boston College Naval Reserve Officer Training Corp (NROTC) sunk a German U-Boat on Monday. The underwater craft was destroyed following an ambush during the cadets’ Veteran’s Day (Observed)-mandated recreational time. According to reports obtained by The New England Classic, the siege... Read more
Health Services Cures Smallpox Using Only Goody Bag Of Ibuprofen
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — On Friday, University Health Services made a groundbreaking step forward in modern medicine: curing freshman Elijah Warren of smallpox using exclusively ibuprofen. Reports indicated that, although Warren’s flu-like symptoms visibly manifested on Monday morning, he was unable to schedule an appointment until Thursday at 8:00... Read more