The New England Classic
RUDE: Bus Driver Takes Three-Minute Break Knowing Full Well This Guy’s Class Started 20 Minutes Ago
MAIN GATE —On Tuesday, an Eagle Direct bus driver treated himself to three-minutes of personal privilege, despite being fully aware that a student, waiting to board the bus, Meninges B. Tinglin (MCAS ‘22), was already twenty minutes late to his 10:00 AM macroeconomics lecture. As a result of the... Read more
RA Killed On Duty Gets 2150 Gun Salute
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — Over the weekend Boston College Residential Life honored the death of one of their own with a traditional salute. Cannons were fired off the top of Maloney Hall to honor the martyrdom of Resident Assistant Darryl Stills (LGSOE ‘20). Stills was killed during a typical... Read more
Student “Swamped With Work” Free Enough To Spend Entire Weekend Drunk
STAYER HALL — Matt Harper (CSOM ’20), who recently has been seen on numerous occasions complaining to various friends and acquaintances that he is “absolutely swamped with work this week,” was reportedly free enough to spend the entirety of this past weekend drunk. “Dude, I just have, like, so... Read more
Funny Friend Actually Just Mean
THE RAT — In a surprising move this Thursday, friends of sophomore Mike Hanley collectively agreed that his “hilarious roasts” are really just veiled insults. The epiphany occurred when the friends reminisced about his classic jokes, suddenly realizing they were targeted at each of their insecurities and/or flaws. “Yeah,... Read more
Spooky! OSI Approves Another A Capella Group
CARNEY HALL — In a controversial decision, the Office of Student Involvement (OSI) approved the formation of another a capella group on campus last Friday. The newly formed group, The Pottertones, will be Boston College’s first Harry Potter-themed singing group. “I was shocked when I realized there wasn’t a... Read more
BC’s Pipe-Smoking Students Demand More Sumptuous Leather Armchairs
GASSON COMMON — Punctuating their statement with long, pensive draws from their briars, a group of pipe-smoking students presented demands to the University administration on Thursday, citing the need for more sumptuous leather armchairs. The tweed-clad students stood behind a mahogany podium amid wisps of silver-blue smoke and decried... Read more
Tailgating Parents Totally Unaware That Lilly Is Blacked Out
MOD LOT — Staggering around her roommate’s friend’s tailgate, Lilly Carter (MCAS ’22) reported that game days were her favorite because “none of these parents can even tell I’m shithoused!” An avid football fan, Carter woke up at 8:30 AM to start ripping shots of vodka and sipping spiked... Read more
Changing Leaves, Brighton Robberies Mark Beginning Of Fall
BRIGHTON, MA — According to a recent BCPD report, the seasonal influx of robberies in the off-campus community is once again in full swing. Along with the crisp air, colorful foliage, and blue skies that mark the fall season in Boston, the familiar ring of police sirens and broken... Read more
Article Broken: A Work Order Has Been Requested
Oh no! You broke this article, you big dumb idiot! We’ll fix this problem up in 3-5 business days. For now, head on over to dazquest.com and play your pretty little heart out, you destructive monster. Read more
Holy Shit, This Guy Is SO Sweaty
STOKES QUAD — On Monday, witnesses reported that Tom Reilly (CSOM ‘21) was “impossibly sweaty.” Temperatures had been approaching the high 80s, but many students were shocked that any one man could be capable of such voracious perspiration, according to sources. Nearby students noted that Reilly was wearing khaki... Read more