The New England Classic
CAB Holding Auditions For O’Neill Plaza Christmas Tree

This year’s contenders include Bjorn, a Norway spruce; Elrik, a Douglas fir; Gustav, a Lodgepole pine; and Alex (CSOM ‘19), a marketing major.

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Student Tour Guide Also Walks Backwards To Class
GASSON QUAD — A number of Boston College students reported feelings of bewilderment Monday morning  when Student Admission Program tour guide Devon Lin (MCAS ‘19) was seen walking backwards to class. “It was crazy,” said eyewitness sophomore Stewart Dent. “He traversed the entire campus without even looking behind him.... Read more
Student Mistakes Excessive Laptop Stickers For Having A Personality
MCGUINN HALL — On Thursday, the Boston College Psychology Department released a study which concluded that there is a direct correlation between the number of stickers on a person’s laptop and the perception of the stickers as a part of his or her identity. After placing a collection of... Read more
Junior Loses Odds, Drops Out Of BC
LYONS HALL — Tomorrow, Quincy Fitzgerald (CSOM ‘20) will submit a withdrawal form to Boston College Student Services after losing a game of odds, 1 to 1000. Fitzgerald and his roommates, Corbin Godfrey (CSOM ‘20) and Preston Graham (LSOE ‘20), hosted a pre-game at their house on Foster Street... Read more
Naval ROTC Subdues Reservoir U-Boat Invasion
CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — Twelve midshipmen in the Boston College Naval Reserve Officer Training Corp (NROTC) sunk a German U-Boat on Monday. The underwater craft was destroyed following an ambush during the cadets’ Veteran’s Day (Observed)-mandated recreational time. According to reports obtained by The New England Classic, the siege... Read more
Health Services Cures Smallpox Using Only Goody Bag Of Ibuprofen
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — On Friday, University Health Services made a groundbreaking step forward in modern medicine: curing freshman Elijah Warren of smallpox using exclusively ibuprofen. Reports indicated that, although Warren’s flu-like symptoms visibly manifested on Monday morning, he was unable to schedule an appointment until Thursday at 8:00... Read more
Virus Going Around On Campus Really Making Most Of Its College Experience
GASSON HALL — After only spending two weeks on campus, an untreatable virus has officially infected over half of Boston College. Lectures halls everywhere are reportedly filled with the sounds of coughs, sniffles, and sneezes. “At first I was worried I wouldn’t fit in,” stated the virus. “But this... Read more
RUDE: Bus Driver Takes Three-Minute Break Knowing Full Well This Guy’s Class Started 20 Minutes Ago
MAIN GATE —On Tuesday, an Eagle Direct bus driver treated himself to three-minutes of personal privilege, despite being fully aware that a student, waiting to board the bus, Meninges B. Tinglin (MCAS ‘22), was already twenty minutes late to his 10:00 AM macroeconomics lecture. As a result of the... Read more
RA Killed On Duty Gets 2150 Gun Salute
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE. — Over the weekend Boston College Residential Life honored the death of one of their own with a traditional salute. Cannons were fired off the top of Maloney Hall to honor the martyrdom of Resident Assistant Darryl Stills (LGSOE ‘20). Stills was killed during a typical... Read more
Student “Swamped With Work” Free Enough To Spend Entire Weekend Drunk
STAYER HALL — Matt Harper (CSOM ’20), who recently has been seen on numerous occasions complaining to various friends and acquaintances that he is “absolutely swamped with work this week,” was reportedly free enough to spend the entirety of this past weekend drunk. “Dude, I just have, like, so... Read more