The New England Classic
Hold The Phone: Molly Has A New Bitch
GASSON QUAD — The undergraduate population was buzzing with excitement on Wednesday when campus fixture Molly the Dog was spotted with a much younger black labrador named Maisie. After rumors circulated that Molly was about to take a long trip to a farm upstate, she reached out to The... Read more
Woah! Helicopter!
BOSTON COLLEGE — The Classic received a stream of reports about helicopters hovering over campus this morning, an event aerophile communities consider both “gratuitous aerial distraction” and “still super cool”.   The sight left many speechless, but one junior captured the experience vividly. “So I was just like in my... Read more
Cardboard Cutouts File Out Of Alumni At Halftime

“If I can contribute to the team by giving them the familiar sense of an empty stadium at halftime, regardless of the score, just so we can all go home and do literally nothing, well I’m happy to do it.”

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7% Tuition Increase Used to Give CSOM Students Special Snacks

“With enough preparation, they should be able eat like grown-ups by the time they make it to the break room at Goldman Sachs.”

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Joy Moore Releases New Statement Blaming You, Specifically

“There’s one person at fault here. It’s not me, it’s not the administration, it’s just one person,” she told us, referring to You.

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Top Ten Campus Spots To Cover Your Little Head And Submit To The Infinite Sadness
Wondering where you can just let the waterworks flow at Boston College? Are you a first-year student who has yet to burst into tears in public? Are you a returning Eagle in need of a new sob spot? Does the crushing weight of your inherited, generational misery weigh upon... Read more
University Welcomes “Most Diverse Class Ever” With White Guy From New Jersey

“Look, his mumbling is bad enough as it is,” noted Rosalita Clemens (MCAS ‘24). “But on a Zoom call, with all of CLXF trying to blast “Born In The USA” at the same time, the poor dude didn’t have a chance.”

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University Confirms Nicotine Patches To Be Sold At Concessions
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — In a controversial press release, Boston College Athletic Director Patrick Kraft announced on Saturday that the University had approved the sale of nicotine patches in Alumni Stadium and Conte Forum. The specialty patches, reportedly dubbed “EagleBuzz”, will join the 2018 inclusion of beer and wine... Read more
Mom Can’t Believe You Got Kicked From Housing Group, Thought They Were All Very Nice Boys

Kelly went on to describe the situation as “fucked,” a comment which Mrs. Kelly disapproved of as she “did not raise [him] to use that language.”

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LTE: Uh, Why Is Molly In My Zoom Class?
Like what you see? Stuck at your parents house? Browse our site for more juicy, immunocompromised content! Read more