Jesus Turns Water Into Iced Brown Sugar Shaken Espresso For Espresso Your Faith Week
Campus CultureJesuits September 24, 2026 The New England Classic
LINDEN LANE — In what Campus Ministry is calling the most significant demonstration of divine power since 26 A.D., Jesus Christ returned to Boston College Monday morning and transformed the water in the Gasson fountain into approximately 100 gallons of Iced Brown Sugar Shaken Espresso, officially kicking off Espresso Your Faith Week. Word spread fast about the “Miracle on Linden Lane,” and students across campus flocked to grab a venti for themselves.
“I was pretty religious before, but when I saw that Jesus charged 70 cents extra for oatmilk, I started to rethink my faith altogether,” said Theo Logical (MCAS ‘28). “But, my flex dollars just ran out this morning, so safe to say my faith has been reaffirmed.”
Other students saw the Messiah’s presence as an opportunity to bypass their pre-weekend liquor store run. A group of sophomores were seen carrying a Brita from their Walsh 8-man, asking Jesus if He™ could “do that wine thing again” before the weekend.
“Can you fill it with Smirnoff Raspberry? I heard you’ve done that with wine before or something,” said Justin Case (CSOM ‘29), holding the Brita beneath the fountain.
After Jesus explained that his conversions are deeply symbolic and not intended to supply Thursday evening pre-games, students thought of more biblically-grounded requests.
Take sophomore Rich Mann (LSEHD ‘29), fresh out of Engaging Catholicism, who remembered that Jesus wasn’t JUST known for making a mean shaken espresso – he could also get people’s bread up.
“Yo, Big J, you still doing that bread multiplying thing? Cause I have $14 in my checking account right now. If I gave you a ten, how many tens could you make?” said Mann.
