BC Builds Outdoor Venue For Stoning Sinners And Heretics

BAPST LIBRARY — Students all over campus have been wondering about the newest piece of campus construction on Bapst Lawn. The large white tent covering a metal frame invites questions, and after much anticipation, its true purpose was finally unveiled by Boston College’s own, Fr. Leahy.

“I’ve seen this campus descend into moral depravity and sin over my career and it’s time we enhanced the judicial processes outlined in the Student Code of Conduct,” said Fr. Leahy. “We need to go back to the good old days when people doing bad things didn’t go through a long systematic trial, and we just stoned them to death. This outdoor venue is exactly for that.”

Many students on Campus expressed concerns about this system, fearing that it could be used to put students to death who were wrongly accused. Thankfully, Fr. Leahy ensured that these worries would be addressed.

“We live in a society built on justice, and I would never efface the honorable systems of this University and this nation. That is why I have crafted an infallible system to ensure that only those truly corrupted by the work of the Devil will be stoned to death,” continued Fr. Leahy. “All accused students will be allowed to plead innocent or guilty. As they plead their case, they will be forced to hold a burning hot solid metal Crucifix, and if they burn, they will be found guilty, of course, as an innocent person would be protected from the heat by the divine intervention of the Lord.”

Fr. Leahy further addressed student concerns, as BC’s previous system included a specific description of what constituted misconduct and which acts warranted which punishments.

“We are not to mess with the ways of God, sin is sin and all individuals who act sinfully, no matter the degree of offense, are to be dealt with through God-ordained bloodshed,” declared Leahy. “What constitutes a sinful act is simple: if a religious leader dislikes it, it’s sinful. There are many obvious examples of sin: premarital sex, women wearing sensual and tempting clothing (tank tops, short skirts, any footwear that doesn’t cover the toes), cutting in line in front of me during breakfast and therefore making me eat my oatmeal cold, but some are less obvious than others. Make sure to watch for people oversalting their food and therefore stealing from BC dining, people who drink excessively (more than one 25 ml sip of wine on Sundays), and those who profess heretical and god-hating ideologies (evolution or feminism).”

At press time, Leahy was seen gathering rocks and assessing whether they were heavy enough to do any real damage.  

More Hot Single Sandwiches NEAR YOU:

Boston College Promises To Provide Students Sanctuary From Snow, No Word Yet About White Nationalist US Administration 10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be At The Boston Logan International Airport Fucking Idiot Who Didn’t Lock The Door To The One-Person Bathroom Deserved To Be Walked In On New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️