Yikes! My Priest Is Texting On The Other Side Of The Confessional

GOD’S GOSSIP COLUMN — The sacred seal of confession has long dictated that any sins revealed to a priest by a person seeking forgiveness are to never be revealed under threat of excommunication from the church. While most priests hold this as one of their highest duties to God, some priests like to get a little wacky after a few too many sips of Christ blood.  

“It’s like totallyyyyyy no biggie,” said Father Bigum Outh S.J. “If the girls need the tea, they need the tea, end of story. Sister Marissa is gonna like literally freak out when I tell her that Brooke S. said Tyler E. heard that Mike C. caught Sarah R. smooching John E. even though she literally already asked Ryan T. to Homecoming.”

With Fr. Outh’s misconduct rippled out across campus, other students are revealing how smartphones have been disrupting the once sacred and holy yap-session.

“As I was opening up about the envy I had recently felt over my friend’s new relationship, I was interrupted. I heard the sound of Subway Surfers gameplay accompanied by the voiceover ‘Am I the Asshole? I (30M) got my boss (33M) crucified for 30 pieces of silver’” said Daz Rayspeckted (CSOM ‘25) “I asked him if he was paying attention and all he had to say was ‘Uhhhhh maybe ask to share her boyfriend, anyway do you realize what people write about priests on BookTok?’”

Some students have even had their social lives collapse after Fr. Outh leaked their confessions as they were happening by using his Instagram live, @MessyMinister1969. 

“None of my friends will even talk to me anymore,” said Beatrice Trayed (MCAS ‘25) “Once they found out that I accepted the divinity of Jesus Christ as affirmed at Nicaea in 325 AD, but denied that of the Holy Spirit and instead viewed it as the creation of the Son, as was deemed heresy at the First Council of Constantinople in 381 AD, they stopped inviting me to the pre-games.”

When Father William P. Leahy S.J. was questioned as to why Fr. Outh hadn’t been reported and excommunicated yet, Leahy stated, “I can’t lose my best informant. If I don’t have a man with his finger on the pulse telling me who’s coveting, who’s making false idols, and who’s totally the slut I thought they were, I won’t be able to govern this university properly, nor will Bible Book Club be as fun.”

At press time, Fr. Outh excused himself to go make popcorn before his favorite ‘Reality show’: Confession from a Freshman Who Just Discovered Ghosting.

More Hot Single Sandwiches NEAR YOU:

BC Builds Outdoor Venue For Stoning Sinners And Heretics Boston College Promises To Provide Students Sanctuary From Snow, No Word Yet About White Nationalist US Administration 10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be At The Boston Logan International Airport Fucking Idiot Who Didn’t Lock The Door To The One-Person Bathroom Deserved To Be Walked In On