The New England Classic
10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be At The Boston Logan International Airport
Live on CoRo all four years. I’d rather make the commute from exile every damn day than have to walk the marathon from the parking garage to the check-in desk even once.  Talk to Molly’s owner for longer than .2 seconds. I’d give that man my instagram handle- hell,... Read more
Honey, I Shrunk Spring Break!
THE BONN STUDIO THEATRE — Every aspiring artist struggles with the elusive beast that is creativity. Where do great ideas come from? How do we wield them and shape them into fully formed movies, paintings, novels? These were exactly the questions going through Seymour Bush’s (MCAS ’21) mind as... Read more
Fr. Leahy To Offer Exorcisms To The Sick

“I didn’t end up having the virus, but just like the Four Loko, that shit cleaned me out. Lots of stuff resurfaced—turns out Jesus and I have a couple of things in common, like mad daddy issues.”

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Red Bandana Game Canceled Amid Covid Concerns; BC Schedules Two 9/11s For 2021

“To create a more equitable situation, as well as make up for lost revenue, BC will simply schedule two 9/11s for the 2021/22 football season.

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Anti-Matter “Dark Leahy” Emerges From Project Lucidity, Loudly Denounces Racism

“I AM LLIB YHAEL, ARBITER OF JUSTICE,” screamed the otherworldly abomination. “MY GUNS DISPERSE JUDGEMENT, MY SWORD CLEAVES IGNORANCE IN TWAIN!”

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Student Overhears Father Leahy in Confession: “Fuck Them Kids”
ST. IGNATIUS — Reports surfaced that the walls in the confessionals are dangerously thin. Current student Jack Barrey (CSOM ’21) said he was waiting in line to confess his sins from two Marathon Mondays ago when he heard something unsettling coming from the confessional.  “I sat there in disbelief,... Read more
Records Reveal Boston College Has Paid $0 In Income Tax For 150 Years
LINDEN LANE — Owing to an anonymous source, The Classic has obtained Boston College’s tax records dating back to the early 1870s, giving the clearest picture of the University’s finances to date and revealing centuries of chronic tax evasion and seemingly complete impunity from the United States’ tax code.... Read more
University Purchases “Great Big Retreat Center Upstate” For COVID Isolation
Like what you see? Feeling short of breath? Zoom around our site for more single-serve, plastic-wrapped content! Read more
Athletics Raises $150 Million Selling Knives

“You know, when the CutCo division of Vector reached out and told us we could make up to $18.50 an hour with a flexible schedule and great co-workers, we were definitely hesitant,” noted Jarmond. “But once we got every single athletics employee running the phones, calling friends and distant cousins, the results really spoke for themselves.”

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Fr. Leahy Has Great Day At Boston Pride
CITY HALL PLAZA — President William P. Leahy, S.J. let his hair down Saturday at the annual Boston Pride Parade before returning to his poorly lit fourth-floor office in St. Mary’s Hall that night. Eyewitnesses reported (with surprise) that Fr. Leahy exchanged his usual black cassock for a pair... Read more