The New England Classic
BC Sends Students To Stonehenge To “Figure It Out”

“We’re kind of curious on, like, how they did it. They didn’t have cranes then, to my knowledge, so they must have used their hands. Now for those back home, these things are heavy–big rocks,” said “Little” Lisa Thorax (LSOE ’22) over zoom. “We were collected by the president–BC wanted their best applied psych majors, to apply our psych.”

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BC Postpones Divestment To Give World Time To Forget Harvard Did It First

Father Leahy supposedly told the senior staff assembled that he would “not let it look like we’re copying those Ivy League fucks,” his frock crumbling with disdain as if it were flustered as well. 

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Father Leahy Becomes A Whale, Changes Tuition To Krill

Dwight Jesse (MCAS ’25), one of the students designing the pool, offered some valuable insight: “He really turned himself into a whale. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen.”

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10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be At The Boston Logan International Airport
Live on CoRo all four years. I’d rather make the commute from exile every damn day than have to walk the marathon from the parking garage to the check-in desk even once.  Talk to Molly’s owner for longer than .2 seconds. I’d give that man my instagram handle- hell,... Read more
Honey, I Shrunk Spring Break!
THE BONN STUDIO THEATRE — Every aspiring artist struggles with the elusive beast that is creativity. Where do great ideas come from? How do we wield them and shape them into fully formed movies, paintings, novels? These were exactly the questions going through Seymour Bush’s (MCAS ’21) mind as... Read more
Fr. Leahy To Offer Exorcisms To The Sick

“I didn’t end up having the virus, but just like the Four Loko, that shit cleaned me out. Lots of stuff resurfaced—turns out Jesus and I have a couple of things in common, like mad daddy issues.”

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Red Bandana Game Canceled Amid Covid Concerns; BC Schedules Two 9/11s For 2021

“To create a more equitable situation, as well as make up for lost revenue, BC will simply schedule two 9/11s for the 2021/22 football season.

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Anti-Matter “Dark Leahy” Emerges From Project Lucidity, Loudly Denounces Racism

“I AM LLIB YHAEL, ARBITER OF JUSTICE,” screamed the otherworldly abomination. “MY GUNS DISPERSE JUDGEMENT, MY SWORD CLEAVES IGNORANCE IN TWAIN!”

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Student Overhears Father Leahy in Confession: “Fuck Them Kids”
ST. IGNATIUS — Reports surfaced that the walls in the confessionals are dangerously thin. Current student Jack Barrey (CSOM ’21) said he was waiting in line to confess his sins from two Marathon Mondays ago when he heard something unsettling coming from the confessional.  “I sat there in disbelief,... Read more
Records Reveal Boston College Has Paid $0 In Income Tax For 150 Years
LINDEN LANE — Owing to an anonymous source, The Classic has obtained Boston College’s tax records dating back to the early 1870s, giving the clearest picture of the University’s finances to date and revealing centuries of chronic tax evasion and seemingly complete impunity from the United States’ tax code.... Read more