The New England Classic
University Welcomes “Most Diverse Class Ever” With White Guy From New Jersey

“Look, his mumbling is bad enough as it is,” noted Rosalita Clemens (MCAS ‘24). “But on a Zoom call, with all of CLXF trying to blast “Born In The USA” at the same time, the poor dude didn’t have a chance.”

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University Confirms Nicotine Patches To Be Sold At Concessions
YAWKEY ATHLETIC CENTER — In a controversial press release, Boston College Athletic Director Patrick Kraft announced on Saturday that the University had approved the sale of nicotine patches in Alumni Stadium and Conte Forum. The specialty patches, reportedly dubbed “EagleBuzz”, will join the 2018 inclusion of beer and wine... Read more
Mom Can’t Believe You Got Kicked From Housing Group, Thought They Were All Very Nice Boys

Kelly went on to describe the situation as “fucked,” a comment which Mrs. Kelly disapproved of as she “did not raise [him] to use that language.”

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LTE: Uh, Why Is Molly In My Zoom Class?
Like what you see? Stuck at your parents house? Browse our site for more juicy, immunocompromised content! Read more
Fuck Yeah: Kid In Your APPA Group Brought Her Dab Pen
PARKERSBERG, WEST VIRGINIA — Students in APPA group #42 have taken a break from building houses for the impoverished to get REALLY high in the mountains of Appalachia. “Dabs with the bros are what make this experience so worthwhile,” said Eleanor Restucci (CSOM ‘21), referring to her G-Slim 2800... Read more
Appa Group #24 Placed At Schiller Institute

To ensure that the group would be able to work on the site, construction of the Schiller Institute has been officially registered as a Habitat for Humanity site, and will likely make use of hundreds of plucky volunteers until its anticipated opening in 2021.

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Roommate Thinks She Can Just Come Into The Room Whenever She Wants

“Like, this isn’t a fuckin’ corner store,” Purcell said. “You can’t just be walking in here anytime you want, day and night. People live here. I need privacy.”

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Falling Hydro Flask Most Outspoken Member Of Lecture
MCGUINN HALL —  In Tuesday’s Globalization II lecture, a 32-oz Hydro Flask officially became the class’s most outspoken participant when it toppled off a desk and hit the ground with a “CLANK!” that echoed throughout the room. The Hydro Flask, belonging to Linda Pound (MCAS ’21), reportedly was the... Read more
The Rat Announces Popcorn-Chicken-Flavored Coffee
LYONS HALL — Boston College Dining announced Wednesday that the Welch Dining Room, known colloquially by students as “The Rat (Rathskeller)” will begin serving New England Coffee’s new popcorn chicken blend this March. A recent Qualtrics study in the Boston College Class of 2021 Facebook group revealed that the... Read more
Campus Pizzas Rushing To Find Valentine’s Day Presents For Sophomore Girlfriends
CLEVELAND CIRCLE — Valentine’s Day has once again snuck up on Boston College boyfriends. The last-minute dash for the perfect gift has flooded the aisles of CVS and the Hillside bookstore with freshmen, seniors, and pizzas.  Alyssa Ashbury (LSEHD ’22) told the Classic she usually spends the holiday alone... Read more