An Overdue Celebration: Happy Men’s Week from The New England Classic!

CONTE FORUM HOT DOG LINE — It’s time to address the elephant in the room. Our society is full of so much hatred. We are so appreciative that this week, we can highlight a group of people with a long history of unjust vilification. It is time to applaud the men.

Boston College is a proud defender of the affluent Caucasian male. After all, you can’t be a Jesuit if you’re not a dude. This week, we want to take this opportunity to showcase some organizations on campus that our members fervently endorse as spaces for male solidarity:

1. Fantasy Football Strat Group 

Every Wednesday night, BC’s FFSG gets together to determine whether Ezekial Elliott will turn around his season. It’s truly a safe space to bitch about your sister, who is in first place in your family league, even though her favorite player is the punter because she “feels bad no one cheers for him.”

2. The Wolves of BC

Inspired by the best movie of all time, The Wolf of Wall Street, men in CSOM finally have a collaborative space. We teach essential technical skills like how to tie a tie, what drugs you actually really shouldn’t try at that Walsh party, and how to time your penny stock investment. 

3. Plex 3 Honor Society 

The third floor of the plex is a haven for elite gym bros. Join a group of similarly driven guys who all track their macros, solely eat triple chicken, and snort pre-workout. Minimum bench 225 | Max squat 135. 

4. Feminism Victims Club: Zach Bryan’s Top Listeners 

All of these bitches at BC love to relish in their Swifty superiority complex, but they’ll never understand Zach Bryan’s profound lyricism. We rally behind him in these hard times of false accusations because it is NOT that deep. Our womanizer workshops allow us to “Open the Gate” to finding the natural alpha within each of us “Highway Boys.”   

In honor of the week, we are sponsoring a giveaway! All BC men are invited to enter: Tag three (3) girls off your roster (must be above a 6/10). We are giving away: A DJ board, free core power for a year, a magic 8 ball, a Jesuit-sponsored Only Fans subscription, and a free Chili’s triple dipper. 

What day is tomorrow? Saturday. What are Saturdays for? The boys. Drink some beer. Cheat on your girlfriend. Call your mom a bitch. Eat some raw meat. Shoot a gun. Ball out. Go fucking crazy. This week is for us. Let’s bring back manly men. 

ATTENTION FEMALES: In honor of the end of this week, please stay inside for our mental health. We don’t want to see you. Please, for the love of god, just stay the fuck inside. Give us one nagging-free weekend of peace. Please. Any females outdoors will be shamed. 

Warmest regards, The Men of The New England Classic.

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