Fucking Idiot Who Didn’t Lock The Door To The One-Person Bathroom Deserved To Be Walked In On
Campus CultureStudent Life November 20, 2019 The New England Classic
O’NEILL LIBRARY — Following a drawn-out investigation, the Boston College Board of Student Conduct deemed that Jared O’Ryan (CSOM ’23) deserved to be walked in on after neglecting to lock the door to the one-person bathroom in O’Neill Library. O’Ryan, no longer a “newbie” on campus having been here for three months, has absolutely no excuse for “forgetting” to lock the door.
Stackton Rose, a senior administrator for Boston College Libraries, took particular issue with this incident. “The color-changing lock couldn’t be more self-explanatory,” said Rose. “Red means ‘wait your fucking turn,’ and green means ‘waltz on in, dipshit!’ Nevertheless, we are faced time and again with students willfully ignoring the simplest of safeguards. It’s despicable, and we send our deepest condolences to the victim in this situation.”
“And do you want to know who that victim was? ME! Are you happy that I saw your bare ass, Jared? Were you really in that much of a rush that you couldn’t even spare three seconds to turn the lock and spare my innocent eyes? I guess that burglar last year also “forgot” that he didn’t live in my house and “accidentally” mixed up my TV with his, huh?” Riley Carson, the injured party, had a lot to say to O’Ryan. During O’Ryan’s trial, Carson addressed the defendant directly, and totally got his ass with the above statement.
O’Ryan, still recovering from his embarrassment, declined to comment to the Classic. The CSOM freshman has since been banned from the premises of O’Neill Library, and will be fined one million print bucks as further punishment.
At press time, O’Ryan was seen getting “Don’t Forget to Lock” tattooed on his palm. 
