A Crowded Newton Bus And 4 Other Places You NEED To End Your Situationship In
CUPID’S DUNGEON — With the start of the new semester, relationships are blooming, as well as undefined, nebulous, god-forsaken situationships. These romantic bonds are full of love, life, and laughter, until, well, you realize that the person you’ve been snapchatting hasn’t felt empathy since the 2008 Recession. Brock N. Hart (CSOM ‘27) was kind enough to send The Classic a list of his ideal places to end these tricky relationships.
My name is Brock, I am a freshman in Boston College’s Carroll School of Management studying Finance and the secrets to a vixen’s heart. Based on some recent life experiences, through my tumultuous singular month at Boston College and in the dating scene, I feel as though my perspective on love would be valuable enough to share with your audience.
From what I’ve found, situationships are a real conundrum! You may feel like you’ve finally found the one, until the light in your soul goes dark and that special someone drives a stake into your heart. It’s day 30 of my time here at BC, so I’d like to share my 5 favorite places to end things with the person who has made you incapable of feeling anything at all anymore.
- A Crowded Newton Bus
Bothering your roommate with an hour-long argument is simply rude and distasteful, so why involve them when you can simply turn to a bunch of strangers. The Newton Bus is a modern day Acropolis, full of opinionated freshmen and water bottles filled with vodka. When your situationship clearly doesn’t give a fuck about what you think, turn to the insightful mind beside you and ask them what they think about the troubles of your heart. They will be impassioned by the stories of your struggle and prove to that heartbreaker that everyone else sees right through her excuses. Pro-Tip: Most bus drivers are on their 4th marriage so they clearly know a thing or two about romance.
- 5th Floor of O’Neill
After a month of listening to the same-old same-old, it just becomes too fun watching your ex lover flounder in a pit of their own nonsense lies. Just because your grandma died, doesn’t mean you can’t answer my texts!!! You’re gonna tell me you didn’t pick up your phone once during the three hour funeral service? What’s more important, me or your grandma! I’m the one who’s still alive!! To really absorb all of these excuses, I recommend you go to the 5th floor of O’Neill where it’s so quiet you can hear every word clearly, how convenient!
- Your Psychology Professor’s Office Hours
Situationships usually fail because the other person is batshit crazy. Psychology professors are thus the best people to go to when trying to figure out why your partner is so insane. They’ll help find out what sort of sociopath would force you to miss a night with the boys just because they “needed” you there at their birthday dinner.
- On the Field During a Football Game
Getting out of that breakup conversation as fast as possible is crucial, as avoiding their obviously faked tears (I haven’t cried since 2011, there’s no way you cry that much) is so much better than having to look at them. That’s why getting physically pushed away from her the moment it’s done makes the most sense. Situationships will crush you into a thousand pieces, but a 250 pound linebacker will only snap your rib cage into a few hundred pieces, you do the math.
- Sunday Mass
Are you happy, Jessica? You made me spend the money I was saving from your paycheck for our Las Vegas trip on that stupid tumor surgery for your dog. It’s a dog, there’s tons more for you to get. I recommend to everyone reading this to take your she-devil of a situationship to church to end things so maybe a Priest can exorcise her, or maybe he can try to bring back that dead dog.