“4 Years Flew By” Says Senior Who Blacks Out 3x A Week

UNCONSCIOUSNESS — With the school year coming to a close, the BC Class of 2024 has been reminiscing about their college experience. As they think about all the nights in Bapst, all the TikToks they watched instead of studying in Bapst, all the shameful walk homes from Bapst, they find themselves saddened by all the time they’ll never get back. One BC senior, however, Mill R. Lyte (CSOM ‘24) has been making an exceptional effort to maximize the amount of time they’ll never get back. 

“I can’t believe how time passes so quickly,” stated Lyte. “I’m so glad I experienced college to the fullest, you know I studied, went to parties, went to darties, went to clubs, went to Applebees’ Dollar Margarita nights, went to UHS for my monthly stomach pump, and even went to some classy weddings…that I crashed for the open bar. Now that I think about it I don’t think I can remember a Saturday since high school.”

BC Reslife confirmed that Lyte has lost his student ID and needed to have it replaced 349 times and is the only student to have ever attempted to claim residency status in the bushes outside of the Mods due to the amount of nights he slept there.

When questioned, Mill’s roommate, Noah Phun (MCAS ‘24) said “I can safely say that while I have never seen such a feat of human endurance, I feel like he might be too focused on living the stereotypical college experience. I told him I was going to my cousin’s baptism, didn’t even invite him, and he still asked if he could pregame.”

When asked to respond, Lyte declared “It’s ridiculous to think all I do is drink, I’m also talking to hella shawties! Just last night I texted a girl from my First-Year Writing course and said ‘yuorr fayce sgfsvshsgwrw’, I don’t remember what that means but I can tell she wants me based on the fact that she’s too nervous and intimidated to text back.” 

At press time, Lyte was seen explaining to his friends why weed is too destructive and addictive to ever smoke or consume.

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