Junior Canonized After Rising From The Dead At Pregame
FOSTER STREET – Pope Francis announced Monday that Mike McMackey (CSOM ‘21) will be officially canonized as a Catholic saint. The Boston College junior performed his third miracle this weekend when he resurrected himself from the dead in the basement of 295 Foster Street.
The 20-year-old grandson of four took his friends and roommates by surprise when he emerged from the rubble shortly after midnight on November 1. His appearance came as a shock in light of reports that he had “totally died” earlier that night.
“Bro, I don’t know what to tell you,” said McMackey’s roommate Chris Tian (MCAS ’21). “Mike was passed out cold like two hours ago, I have no idea how he’s even standing right now.”
McMackey, an altar boy at St. Ignatius Church, was last seen alive at approximately 9:25 PM, at which point he “ripped a bunch of shots, smoked a fat kief bowl to the dome, and freebased two-and-a-half Concerta,” according to an anonymous eyewitness.
McMackey was informally laid to rest in the corner of the basement at 10:00 PM, to the mournful tune of Trippie Redd’s smash hit ‘Topanga.”
The festivities continued without him long into the night, until McMackey’s hand shot menacingly out from under the pile of crushed White Claw cans he had been buried under.
When asked how he had managed to perform this miracle after two other impressive similar resurrections, McMackey stared dead-eyed at reporters before shuffling away.
At press time, McMackey was seen wandering around the basement finishing off abandoned Natty Lights.