NEC Has The Drive To Make Important Change, But Administration Won’t Let Us Turn The Res Into A Lazy River

CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR—Things got wet this weekend when the staff of the Classic got into muddy waters. The student organization was intent on creating a lazy river in the useless body of water next to campus but was stopped before any river could be lazied.

“We weren’t swimming. We were making real change, something the administration knows nothing about,” said NEC Co-Editor-In-Chief Cock E. Mueller (MCAS ‘24), sopping wet head to toe.

The students’ planned for all 37 members of the organization to swim in the same clockwise direction to create a “whirlpool.” Once the water really got rushing, they would throw a few inner tubes in for regular students to enjoy. They planned on keeping the whirlpool going by swimming non-stop until they could raise enough money to install jets.

“Unlike the administration, we know what the students want. The students voted, and the students want a lazy river in the Res,” said NEC Co-Editor-In-Chief Kesand Witch (MCAS ‘24), water flowing out her eyelids.

The idea came when students voted in a policy bracket posted to the Classic’s Instagram. Students chose between a policy to Airbnb Shaw House and one to put a lazy river in the Res. The latter won, and the organization is now $6,500 in debt for purchasing over 500 inner tubes.

“They didn’t want to see us slide into that smooth tubular hole and actually have fun,”said Lazee Enjoyer (CSOM ‘27), a random guy who brought his own tube.

At press time, NEC representative J. Pee Santos responded to all questions with, “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I THINK I HAVE WATER STUCK IN MY EAR!”

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