Barrel of Oil To Replace Baldwin As BC Mascot

ST. EXXON CHAPEL– BC University Spokesman Jack Dunn issued a statement on Friday announcing the historic mascot change: Baldwin the Eagle will be replaced with Barry the Oil Barrel, with the university rebranding their students’ moniker from the well-known “Eagles” to the new and more provocative “Barrels.”

“We hope this change will better reflect our identity as a long-standing institution devoted to Jesuit Values as well as slutting for every drop we can get of that beautiful sexy delicious black gold,” Jack Dunn elaborated in a press conference following the official statement, sporting a new ExxonMobil branded bowtie and a bedazzled leather leash leading back to the hands of two large, shadowy figures standing only a few feet behind him. 

When asked about a recent Heights article detailing their reluctance to divest from fossil fuels, Dunn responded: “For us, as a university devoted to using our vast institutional power and resources to change the world for the better, we’ve found that the best way to accomplish that is actually to focus less on changing the world for the better, and more on making as much money as we can.” He continued, “It’s like trickle-down, sort of. The more money we make, the more money we have, and then after we have all that money, we can transition into a human-centered strategy of making even more money, in order to accomplish our goal of having the most money that we can possibly have by way of collective and progressive money-gathering apparatuses. Think of the oil as more of a stepping stone in this process of making money so that we can have money, and when you focus on the second part of that process, it certainly looks a lot more attractive. After that maybe we’ll figure something out, idk.” 

Boston College remains one of the only universities among its Boston-based academic cohorts to remain entirely opposed to the prospect of divestment, despite fossil fuels’ immense negative impact on the environment. The Classic is told that the Board of Directors sees this new strategy of overt branding as the first step in a revolutionary plan to turn the university’s secretive, cowardly stance on the issue into a more bold and honest declaration of their love for money over their fellow man. 

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